Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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2020-06-17 04:24:28 (UTC)

June 2020 (2)

6/11/2020 Thursday 5:14 p.m.

The root canal is done! It was WAY easier and quicker than I expected. Definitely worth it to go to a high-end place. They were over in Roseville.

Woke up at 4:30, just in time to hear the motorcycle roar out of here. I was a little scared when I first took the Halcion at 6:30 which was an hour before the appointment because I'm always nervous about anything I haven't taken before. Yet it wasn't quite like Lorazepam even though they're related. In 10 minutes you feel an instant effect from the Lorazepam but it's very short-acting. This made me more tired, but it was a gradual and longer-lasting effect. I was able to walk into the building okay, just a little slow.

After a brief wait, someone took my temperature and Tom made himself comfortable with his phone in the waiting room as I was taken into the exam room and prepped by Samantha. Doctor K and his assistant Sam were wonderful. He slipped half of the second Halcion under my tongue and the non-epinephrine numbing agent they gave me worked its magic during the entire procedure. I really thought they would be working on me for over an hour but nope. Took only about 40 minutes. As a bonus, I'm no longer freaked out by those electronic blood pressure cuffs which they had to use. It didn't hurt at all. My upper number started off in the 160s but dropped to the 130s as I calmed down. My HR went from the 90s to the 80s.

Because I was so groggy, Sam wheeled me out in a wheelchair while Tom pulled the car around. I've had absolutely no pain at all! :-) I indulged in a 3-hour nap shortly after getting home and gave Dr. K and his staff rave reviews on Yelp, Google and Facebook.

Sam had me LMAO when she said she thought I was 100-110 pounds and went, “No way!” when I told her I was in the 150s. Muscle definitely makes you heavier than you look. I may not be that big but I’m damn heavy.

Now all I have to do is wait for my dentist to call to schedule to fill me in. She finally sent us a bill too, and $74 for her to have to open things up for an emergency was quite a bargain since we were expecting it to be over $100.

The only thing the doctor said that I didn't like was that my tooth shouldn't be affecting my lymph nodes or energy levels. I hope Tom is right when he says he thinks that it was just aggravated by stress. Really want to just get filled up soon and then not have any appointments until I see Doc A in October.

My ear got on my nerves at the end of my day yesterday to the point that I had to take Ibuprofen, but it's been okay so far today. Going to oil it in just a bit.

I repolished my nails a little while ago, and believe it or not, I really do think the tea tree oil is helping even after just one use! But I think it's only helping with the discoloration, not the lifting. I'm still not sure what to make of the lifting. That seemed to improve with the calcium supplements but now I'm not so sure.

Since I just saw my ENT, I would have thought I would dream of her if I was going to dream of any of my doctors, but instead I dreamed of my GYN. It seemed like I was at some summer camp or resort. I glanced at people swimming in a lake as I entered a building.

I don't know if this was connected to the dream the GYN was in or not, but we were neighbors in an apartment building. Permanently or temporarily, I don't know, but she lived a few doors down. Seems like we were several floors up. I would visit her for an hour or two late at night and we would chat, and I would wonder how she had the energy to see patients all day after staying up so late.

6/12/2020 Friday noon

Not much going on at the moment. Yesterday evening, the paramedics showed up at Bob and Virginia’s, but they didn't take either of them away, so I hope they're okay.

We went to Rite Aid this morning and it was nice to go out someplace that didn't include doctors or dentists.

The endodontist’s office called to see how I was, and I called back and let them know I'm still pain-free.

After we got back, we went for a bike ride. It was breezy but nice. I saw the outline of Bob sitting in his chair in his living room watching TV as we were coming up the street. It's been a long time and I'm really curious, so one of these days soon I may go over there with my mask on and see what's up.

On the 23rd, Sam’s is going to have their early hours again, so we'll probably pick up some things from there that we haven't gotten in a while.

It was finally time for my ENT to star in my dreams. She was in three or four of them, but I barely remember them and they didn't really make much sense. Tom was talking to her about my past ear surgeries on the phone and calling her Lara. Then when I asked who the hell that was, he said it was Elle and I knew he was talking about my ENT. I guess she liked to change names regularly.

6/13/20 Saturday 4 p.m.

Yesterday evening I was sitting here when all of a sudden, I heard a loud shriek. Guess which kiddies are back? Yeah, Miss Melody has her grandanimals living here again from what I can tell. Yesterday evening it was screaming by on its bike. Today it was a scooter. You don't bring that kind of shit here unless you're living here. But being tight with the manager enables you to get away with shit for a while until enough complaints come in. None will be from me because they're not right next door, and while the screaming is certainly annoying and not what I came to an adult community for, it's not maddening like the loud car was. I'm sure that will make its return next. People get testy. I learned this in Phoenix. They'll behave for a while and then they'll slowly ramp up their old shit to see how much they can get away with the next time around.

Then at about 4, it got really dark all of a sudden, and we were hit with a surprise fast-moving thunderstorm. There was only one loud thunderclap but I'm glad I was awake. It rained hard but not for long.

A little further into the evening and my TMJ turned itself on like a switch. That's when I started to look up self-help tips and found some jaw exercises that might be helpful. It figures that sleeping on your stomach is the worst position for TMJ since that's my favorite position. The best is on your back but that's my least favorite position. Sometimes I do flip over onto my back after I've been asleep for a while, though.

So why is it that my favorite everything seems to be bad for me somehow?

I also read that cold weather is bad for it. No wonder it was so much worse in Oregon! But why has it been worse these last few months? I did read something about weather changes and we've definitely been having some up-and-down weather lately. The temps have been like a roller coaster. We’ll drop from triple-digits to the seventies in just a few days.

I liked how I read that warm weather wouldn't do you much good unless it could stay that way consistently. Well, Florida will do just that most of the time. :-) Couldn't find any connection good or bad to humidity.

Got up shortly after 8 a.m. and there was an email from Dixie complaining that the park is complaining about the same shit they complained about us for. Yeah, it's funny that all of a sudden, after all these years, one of her palm trees is suddenly blocking drainage. I guess she also thought some parts of her property were part of the park and not her responsibility. She's also noticing it getting noisier with things opening up, and says she's having a hard time with Diane. I guess she's giving her and one of her babysitters a hard time, plus she needs cataracts removed which may be more than she could handle. I know I’d be freaking out big-time if I ever needed any kind of eye surgery!

I told her about the paper masks we got on Amazon and that they were similar to what doctors and nurses usually wear and told her we had some to spare if she was interested. I ran down and gave her 4 from our 10-pack so she and Diane can each have a couple.

At 9:40 we set the bombs off for what will hopefully be the last time and went to Jack-in-the-Box. We left the pigs in the storeroom which we bombed the day before since their cage is so big and might be too smelly enclosed in a car. We put a divider in the middle to keep them from fighting.

I put the rat in the small white wired birdcage with the pink base and he rode in the backseat. He happily accepted the piece of cheesy burger bun and French fry I shared with him. To a rat, it's like taking a dog out. It's a fun adventure for them. The pigs might have been scared, though. We both agreed that even if we do decide to move by the ground when the time comes, they should be re-homed and not subjected to a long road trip. We feel they'd be much better off being taken in by a pet store and then adopted out to someone who wouldn't mind having older guinea pigs. There are pet stores that will take any animal for any reason.

Adding vitamin C to Blitz’s food has helped but he still has a bit of a limp and I'm still not sure if he has a tumor or not. A male rodent’s balls tend to get large with age but one side of him seems a little too large.

We spent most of the time sitting in the carport since we don't want to take chances in public unnecessarily, masked not, and don't want to spend too much money either. The two hours we needed to be out of the house passed by quickly enough. We ate our food and played on our phones. I watched part of a movie, listened to audiobooks, and that sort of thing.

The only thing that bugs me in some of the Lifetime movies is certain stereotypes. Why is it always that you see a woman who's fearful of being home alone because of whoever and never a guy? Why portray women as scared little wimps? Some are, of course, but not all are any more than all guys are tough.

Tomorrow I'll be making homemade macaroni for the first time in the cooker. I would save it for our anniversary, but the milk is to expire tomorrow. Close enough, though.

After we got back and aired the place out, he began setting up the portable air conditioner in the bedroom. Well, first we got the doll out of the way and put her on the living room couch since we never “use” her anyway. She's beautiful to look at, but $700 wasted. If I can't magically transport Aly or me to visit each other, I wish I could at least teleport Suki to her!

So he put this thing in the window that the AC hose attaches to and at first I was like, are you kidding me? This thin little flimsy piece of plastic is all I've got between me and the motorcycles?

But he's going to add layers of soundproofing material that we still have over it. The whole point is to save money by keeping the rest of the house warmer in the summer and cooler in the winter. The thing won't pay for itself as just a backup alone.

I'm now relaxing with some merlot. decided I would drink every other week instead of every day. That way I don't become addicted and it remains more of a treat that way.

6/14/2020 Sunday 4:30 p.m.

Now it's my turn to lose weight for seemingly no reason like Aly. It's just another half a pound but that's something for an older person with a bum metabolism and thyroid. Maybe my thyroid is actually better, though. With 10 weeks of taking my medication consistently, I've got to be around 6 or 7. But that’s still mildly hypo and while I'm eating healthier overall, I'm not eating healthy all the time. Yesterday is a good example of that. I was a little hungrier than usual yesterday and ended up having between 1600-1700 calories. I've had so much more fatigue lately that I haven't been exercising nearly as much, so it could be some muscle loss, although I doubt it.

Been hot flashing a little more lately which is discouraging because if that and the fatigue can pick up again, so can the anxiety.

My lymph node is still swollen to the point that you can just make it out by looking at my neck but only if you knew what to look for. It's not that obvious. I can definitely feel it more than I can see it. Sometimes I feel a slight scratchiness in my throat when I swallow. Tom still thinks that it will back off in a few days. I don't think so, but I know I'm really sick of doctors and would still like to try to wait until I see my PCP in October at which time she's going to do a full panel of blood work and not just thyroid and cholesterol.

Made homemade macaroni and cheese in the crock-pot and I think it came out shitty. It smelled great and it tasted good, but the texture was kind of fucked up with “heavy” noodles and the creamy part being too runny. The good thing is that Tom loved it, so it's not like it's going to go to waste even though it didn't even cost five bucks to make. It was just a box of elbow macaroni, milk, evaporated milk, and cheese.

Good thing I got up before the fucking motorcycle came and went. Probably Tom's son, the guy across from Dixie. I don't know if she'll win, but I'm glad she's going to get a lawyer and fight the park on the palm tree issue. There's no way, after all these years, it's suddenly blocking drainage. Especially when palm trees have such short roots. She said the park isn't allowing palm trees anymore. Yeah, if it was up to this fucking park, they’d practically bulldoze everything out of here with the way they love to cut trees down. The cutting of the trees here, in general, has been unbelievable right along with the projects, traffic, and everything else.

I told her that since she likes that tree and isn’t planning to move within a year, it's great that she's going to fight them. We only complied with their last two demands because it was something we were going to do anyway, but so help me God, one more complaint - just one more - and I'll be quick to put them in their place and remind them that they're not only not our parents but we're the ones that live here and we're the ones that pay. Therefore, they're not to contact us again.

Tom also thinks I should stop taking Benadryl when I'm having trouble sleeping and that it’s part of my fatigue. Now that's something I can definitely try, especially when I don't have any scheduled appointments right around the corner. I was up till nearly 3 a.m. and was woken up by a nightmare which certainly didn't help.

A couple of guys tried to kidnap me in the nightmare. Tom and I were staying in this building that may have been a hotel. The ground floor was long with many doors off the sides of the hallway. Tom was asleep in one of the rooms closer to the entrance. The rooms had two beds in them.

I was coming in from wherever one night. Just as I entered the building, I turned to look behind me and saw this guy running up to the door. I quickly pulled it shut so it would lock, thinking he didn't belong in the building. But then I saw him reaching into his pocket and assumed he was taking out a key and that he was staying there after all. So I pushed the door open and demanded to see a key since he stopped reaching for whatever he was reaching for in his pocket.

Suddenly, there were two guys and they were trying to kidnap me. I began screaming Tom's name as loud as I could. I was wearing a jacket and they were pulling on the sleeves. I managed to wiggle my way out of the jacket and run toward our room.

The guys began to leave due to all the racket I was making but then they stopped as if they were considering changing their minds. The dream ended with me hoping I got the right room in my panic as I bust through the door to one of them. Instead of regular doors, the rooms had swinging doors. Once inside the room, I saw the outline of Tom asleep in the bed and continued screaming for him to get up.

6/15/2020 Monday 3 p.m.

Happy 26th anniversary to us! We're definitely becoming a bit “old-fashioned” in that sense. Fewer people are having kids and even fewer are getting married these days. I still say to each their own, though.

Not doing much today. Just taking it easy but I’ll go out for a bike ride in the evening when it’s cooler. I gotta stop cooking for Tom, though. He says he'll never lose weight since he likes my cooking that much. LOL

He says he's going back to before he got fat which means he has just one full meal a day. Yeah, but he can't go back to the body he had 30 years ago, so we'll see. At least he's been working out regularly and feeling well.

Whenever I’ve lost weight in the past, with the exception of going thyrotoxic, it was always slow. Always the same kind of pattern too, where I would hit a new low and sort of zig-zag between that and the next pound up, settling in for about a week, and then my hunger would increase as it would make a reach for the next pound down, hitting a new low. Well, this is what's been happening lately, though I'm not sure why. I don't diet and I try not to get too food-focused but accept myself as I am instead as long as I don't gain. This is simple enough if I stick mostly to low-carb. Assuming nothing's wrong, then I guess the weight loss is because I'm higher on thyroid than I have been in ages. My hair hasn't been this thick in years! Even though it's not that long, brushing it has become a bit of a challenge once again. I can't push the detangling brush all the way through it yet when I use the brush with stiffer bristles, it snags because of the balls on the ends of the bristles. They need to come up with better brushes for thick curly hair!

So full of thyroid am I that I was worried yesterday that I could be on the verge of getting anxious again, so I cut my waiting time today just to be safe. Besides, it's our anniversary. Who wants to wait for their coffee? I almost felt like I was getting borderline yesterday. Depending on how I feel for the rest of the day, I'll decide what to do tomorrow. If I do get anxious, back to pill cuts I go.

I was able to go a couple of days without Ibuprofen for my ear, but I'm still wondering and worried about my neck at times. Just not to the point where I feel I have to bump up my October appointment.

Had a strange few seconds when I sat down in my chair and was dizzy. Not light-headed, but dizzy. The room spun and I almost felt like I was going to topple over to the side, but I didn’t, of course. The sensation only lasted a few seconds.

Now we're thinking it may be cheaper to get a piece of shit rather than rent a condo and stay there for just a few months in order to test the climate. Then we would turn around and sell it and then settle where we decided to settle. You can get a place for as low as 8k in an adult community in Florida. The problem is that things always take longer than expected. It wouldn't be just a few months for us. We'd be stuck there for close to a year. It doesn't seem like we should be because we would be in an entirely different situation, but this has always happened to us in the past. I've never been able to move as soon as I wanted to. We thought we would only be in hotels for one or two months when we first came to the state and it turned out to be almost a year. I wanted to get out of here years ago yet we're still here. I wanted to get out of the trailer much sooner than we did, and Phoenix, and other places I was in before I met Tom. I don't know if something up there gets off on seeing me stuck in places or what, but I just know that “temporary” place to test the climate, be it a house or a condo, wouldn't be so temporary. Either way, I'm all for the idea of a house rather than a condo. Attached living is just too noisy and you hear enough shit as it is in a standalone place.

There are some loud vehicles here lately, but the planes and traffic haven’t been nearly as maddening as they tend to be from September to around April. I'm sure there have been planes in the early mornings but I've been sleeping during those hours lately. Summers are always quieter here.

My dream blog, although not fully updated, has been public for some time now yet interestingly enough, when I click on “stats” nothing shows up. I would have thought some Google searches would have led to some visitors by now with all the content that's there, but nope.

Had a few strange dreams last night. In one, I was inspecting a large furnished bedroom.

In another, I was standing on the shore of a beach watching a jellyfish and an old chimney from someone's house slowly float by. The chimney wasn't made of brick but wood instead. It appeared ugly and creepy to me for some reason.

In the last dream, I had a roommate somewhere. A detective came to visit with a search warrant for the roommate who was wanted on some rather serious charges (child abuse?). I told him I wished he could wait for her to return, not knowing how she’d react if I sprung the news on her while we were alone. To my relief, she came in a few minutes later while the detective was still there. He got up from the small kitchen table we had and I told her she needed to pack her stuff and get out.

6/16/2020 Tuesday 11:30 p.m.

I'm on for the dentist on the 30th to get my fillings done. The only thing right now is this faint aching feeling in my jaw that has me a little worried I'm reinfecting. What if he didn't clean the infection out enough? We can't afford to throw $1,700 in my mouth every month. Really wish there was a better long-term solution for my teeth. Right now I worry it's going to flare up in which case it would get worse and worse each day until it was excruciating. God, I hope that doesn't happen! But this is how these infections usually start. I just can't get a fucking break, can I? :-(

But perfectly healthy Kim, despite being so humongous that she looks like a giant blow-up doll gone wrong, never has a fucking problem and will likely never know how good she's got it either. Imagine your worst problem being that you can’t get your way and you can't ride with someone you're obsessed with, and then you get to spend all day sitting on your ass bitching about it.

As I was telling Aly, I've been in a few situations that were so shitty they made me see how easy past problems were in some ways. Just the extreme hell I went through with my health from 2014 to 2019 actually made the recession and even jail seem like not such big crises. Living like bums in tiny ancient trailers made me see that the Phoenix house wasn't that small and dumpy, after all.

Well, what is it going to take for Kim to see how great she really has it? Who throws her in jail over nothing? Who sends her through hormonal hell? Who gives her one health issue after another? Who makes her live in poverty and insecurity?

I otherwise feel wonderful. I cut my pill today and will return to full doses tomorrow. Maybe next time around I'll make it 11 weeks before I feel on edge. I may have to make pill cuts periodically all my life. I stopped losing weight, not surprisingly, so there's no concern there. While I could afford it, if I lost 20 or so pounds, then I would be terrified of how the medication may affect me. But as I read and have heard, hypothyroidism usually makes you fat, but treatment doesn't normally make you lose weight.

Although I haven't had a scratchy throat, I can still feel a bulge in my neck depending on the position my head is in.

Really wondering what the hell is wrong with Blitz. He doesn't limp as much, but he has a noticeable red spot on his hip and we're still not sure what it is. It's common for guinea pigs to get things like cysts, tumors, abscesses and other forms of growths which can be cancerous or benign. Nothing can be done to prevent them. If this is serious, he may very well be gone in a few months, but I don’t think it is.

I thought of unblocking the termites and then seeing if they notice and then replying with the journal excerpts if they do and contact me, but unblocking them could cause problems. Tammy could look for a post of mine that she's commented on and add something I definitely wouldn't want others to see. She could also comment on a comment I make to Norma. I wish there was a way I could go around and delete all the comments I've ever received from the termites, but I don't see how that's possible. I would have to comb through my entire wall bit by bit and it's just not worth that amount of work. But I know that unblocking them would bring all their comments and reactions back. I'll just wait until we've been gone for a year or so and then send the excerpts before reblocking them.

Just read that if she commented on something that wasn't public, then she could no longer find the comment and add another one to it.

But I don't want to give Becky and Sarah a chance to block me if they haven't already and don't know that you can block someone that blocked you first because then I can't deliver the excerpts as easily. I thought of asking Aly to piggyback the excerpts but they're not likely to get them that way since they were never connected before. Even if the account wasn't in her real name, they would probably think I was behind the account.

A fucking motorcycle came tearing in at midnight last night and then ran back out that was insanely loud. I could feel the fucking vibration beneath my feet which were touching the floor. It's pretty fucking sad that this is what adult communities have come to. They definitely aren't what they were 20 years ago. I swear I heard about five gunshots too. Hopefully, they popped the fucker.

I’m just pissed that the world has come to what it has and that I’m never going to be able to return to the days of getting away with just sleeping with a fan or air cleaner, even at night. Can't do that here with those fuckers roaring by just 20 feet from the bedroom until maybe November.

Thought about anonymously contacting the office and demanding they do something about the late-night motorcycles, but they'll just figure out it's me and counter-complain without doing shit.

Oh, and remember the days when you could go online without hearing about racism on every single fucking site you went to? Damn, do I miss those days as well! At this point, it’s no longer a matter of who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s TOO DAMN MUCH! Period. People need to find something else to run into the ground and obsess over. It’s never healthy or productive to fixate on something endlessly.

We went over our plans until the winter. We're focusing on curb appeal so Tom was going over ideas for outside the house such as adding rocks along the carport, replacing the old rotted fence on the back corner, and maybe having someone come out to take care of the tree between us and next door. It would be safer, since it's not a sturdy tree, if it wasn't taller than the roof.

We won't touch up the inside until we're about to list the house. He thinks we'll be out of here by May. That would be awesome! Wish I knew our moving date so I could start a countdown.

He still hopes to work during the holiday season for extra money. Of course he's getting interview offers. When he wanted them, he couldn't get them and now that he doesn't want them, he gets them. Life is so the opposite of what we want.

We talked about possibly hiring a realtor to get us a place so we'll have a place to move into when we arrive in Florida, and that way we can skip hotels if we were to fly and an extended stay in RV parks if we drive. This would be the temporary climate testing place. We would just tell the realtor what we wanted and check it out on Google Maps to see what was around it. I would really like to get on a cul-de-sac or something. Fewer houses so close to us would be nice as well. Common areas could be a problem too, so we have to consider everything around the place with me needing to sleep in the daytime half the time.

I have a feeling I'm never going to get to live in peace no matter where we go and I'm always going to be stuck in places built in the 20th century. Then again, any place that's not on a busy road or in a flight path has to be at least a little better than this. I'm surprised the planes aren't going crazy tonight. I heard quite a mix of small planes and commercials throughout most of my day.

Fly or drive? It's still a tough call. I want to meet Aly and I want to give her the doll. But he hates to drive and I love to fly.

If we went by ground but had a place to move right into, that would make traveling that way easier on me because then I would only lose sleep during the days it took to get across the country. At least not unless the day we got there I was woken up by someone's mutt barking too close to the bedroom, then a visiting kid screamed me awake the next day, then a storm thundered me awake the next day, and then mowers the next.

With a fan, I could sleep through the mowers that came to mow the duplex in Oregon, but these are big commercial monsters that go right up to the windows so I don't know if they're going to be easy to mask or not.

We’re gonna see if we can sell or donate the couch and whatever else. During one of the bulk pickups, he’s gonna dump his bed and sleep on the airbed that has a hole in it somewhere. I'm getting a new airbed when we get to the tester place. A cheap twin mattress that's on the floor until I have a real bed of whatever kind is fine.

Anyway, we took the bikes out when it was in the low 80s. It was a little blinding when I was facing the sun because we went out late in the day.

He finished putting the soundproofing around the AC panel in the window and I can operate it by remote from bed if I wake up too warm or cold. From now on the house AC will stay at 78 degrees. When I want to make it cooler in the bedroom for sleeping, I can do that. I love the peace of mind that comes with having it as a backup if the house AC decided to crap out on us, and how it should definitely save money most of the year.

I was once again thinking about how Aly said she wouldn't tell me what she had on me because then she would lose that “power” before telling me she didn't really have much dirt on me as opposed to others.

If it's something she feels telling me would cause her to lose power over, then it makes me wonder if she's got any passwords to any sites my journal is on which she would know I could run and change or maybe even remove the journals altogether. If she's found a way to read them, though, oh well. As long as she doesn't delete or alter them in any way, that's on her because she's the one that's going to have to live with what she reads that she may not like, after all. :-)

For a minute I thought of Tom’s case but surely she's got to know that being in a different state wouldn't give her any power. Not for a misdemeanor. You could call and report the location of a murderer in any state and the cops would come running, but not in his case. If she really feels she has anything on me that she could use, although I can't imagine what, she's not going to tell me about it. But then why didn't she use it when she dumped me? Maybe because she feels I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve revenge?

Had a series of weird dreams. In one of them, I was pulling up these socks that were made out of this strange material. I decided I would throw them out since they felt too weird and didn't fit right. One sock reached all the way up to my groin. I went to show Tom how funny they looked but when I looked down at my legs, they were bare.

In the next dream, I was at the front door. As usual, it didn't look like any place we lived in. I looked out toward the street and saw a couple of old guys talking and then I stepped back and stretched out on the couch for a nap.

Then I dreamed I was at this woman's house. She may’ve been in her 30s. I didn't seem to know Tom. I told her I was worried I may have to move to a particular place, and she said, “Yeah, you may have to if…”

Then I suggested we be roommates and offered to take over the cooking, cleaning and laundry and she said, “Nah, just seven seconds,” as if it took her no time at all to do these things herself.

I was then walking around the outside of this jail that looked more like a farm. Several inmates hung out in a fenced-in area in back of the place and I knew that one of the inmates was Jodi Arias. There was also another female killer with the same first name. I spotted Jodi Arias who had her back toward me. The top of her uniform was a bit large and part of her shoulder was exposed which appeared to be dotted with bruises.

“Which Jodi killer is worse?” I asked jokingly. Then a handful of inmates looked at me like I was mean to ask such a thing and moved further away from the fence.

Next thing I know, I'm the one in jail. I don't know why or for how long, but this place didn't look like a jail either.

I casually walked through the place. There were various rooms with various groups of inmates. I wanted to find my room because I was tired and wanted to lie down. I couldn't figure out how to get upstairs to the bedrooms, though. Instead, I found a ladder leading up to a wooden frame with a large piece of material draped over it. I climbed the 6 rungs or so to check it out and saw it was a large hammock of sorts.

Disinterested, I climbed back down as Tom approached me with some of my belongings in his hands. I knew he had to leave me there and that I couldn't go with him. The dream ended with him telling me what things he had to take with him and what things he could leave with me.

6/17/2020 Wednesday 9:52 p.m.

Not feeling as well as yesterday, but still better than the day before yesterday. May cut tomorrow's pills as I did with yesterday’s. My levels need to drop a bit more. But if I can go longer and longer between cuts, great. Hopefully, I won't have to cut too close to labs, but my comfort is more important than their numbers.

Since there are only so many more recyclable pickups between now and when we leave, I'm thinking of large items we no longer want or need that aren't too large for the recycle bin but not quite big enough for the bulk trash pickup. I have a big black roasting pan that I don't think I've even used in this house and we've been here almost 7 years. It’s a recyclable metal of sorts. I just can't see myself using it ever again when cookers can cook just as well, if not better, with a fraction of the cost and without heating up the house. So that's out in the recycle bin.

I never noticed the portable AC cycling on and off when I slept because that's how much quieter they've gotten. You know how it is, they make indoor stuff quieter and outdoor stuff louder. Woke up warm a couple of times so I'm going to drop it from 75 degrees to 74. The rest of the house remains at 78 and will be 68 in the winter.

I was looking at some pics Kim posted of her trip to Rhode Island with her sister and her sister's girlfriend and you would never think they were sisters any more than you would think me and the termite were sisters. Different heights, different weights, different styles of dress, different everything. Carol once looked like an average woman but now she looks very butchy, and again, while we all have a right to look as we wish and to date who we wish, what's the point? Why do you have to “be a man” to be with women? I still don't see the connection or why anyone would want that since you might as well just get a real man if you're going to get something that masculine. Yet they’re your typical lesbian couple unlike on TV where they're both feminine and gorgeous. Carol was the man-woman while the other was feminine and long-haired. I never had the desire to run and cut my hair really short, stop wearing makeup, and start dressing, acting, walking and talking like a guy simply because I’ve been attracted to women. Again, though, to each their own.

Took the bike around the circle, and as I was careening down the hill in front of our place, I caught a glimpse into Bob & Virginia's kitchen window. I saw Bob walking and I don't think he was using his walker, so hopefully, that's a good sign.

Been having fun picking out items for our future house, wherever it may end up being, and putting them in the save-for-later section on Amazon. Some things we can't pick out until we know what we're going to be living in, such as murals. But I have my eye on a pink plush office chair and a really cool desk. The desk was designed for two users with shelves in the middle. You can actually set it up in different ways. I was thinking I would have a little office on one side and a coloring station on the other. And rather than get two chairs, since we plan to have laminated floors, I could just wheel myself back and forth easily enough.

Molly was in my dreams last night for the first time in ages. We lived in a strip of apartments and next to us on the end lived Molly with her mother who was still alive. Facebook came out with this thing that showed the profile picture of non-friends who visit your profile. I still hated her like I did a decade ago and was furious when her picture appeared as having visited my profile.

Knowing they were right next door, I decided to go over and get Molly seriously disinterested in me. I was surprised to find their door unlocked, but I burst in ready to scream at them only to find the apartment dark and deserted because they moved.


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