My Secret Friend

Shel’s Thoughts
2020-07-14 22:49:07 (UTC)


Well, this day has proven to be a very trying day. I seem to wake up everyday wondering why I made the choices that I made that put me here. I just feel like I am in a rut that I can't seem to get out of. It's not even a depression issue anymore. I think I'm just not fulfilled with my life the way it is. My marriage is a far cry from being anywhere near fulfilling. It's not that I hate being married, we just don't seem like we are very compatible. Things he says to me that used to make me feel less than worth anything just piss me off now. I find myself thinking daily about how my life would be different if I just picked up and left. What is keeping me here with him? He lacks any kind of emotion towards me what so ever. We hardly talk and when we do we fight, we absolutely NEVER touch, and I find myself happier when I am by myself without him. Is it time to just cut my losses and leave? I don't want to be with anyone else, I am just not sure that I want to be with him either. Talking, talking, talking is all we seem to accomplish when I have held things in so long that I finally blow up. He has no idea what goes on in my life outside of what he sees because he don't ever spend time with me to where we can ever talk about it. I don't think that he understands that I go to a place everyday where it is nothing but stress and being treated like a second class citizen and being ran like a dog while everyone else sits on their ass and sometimes I just want to come home and be able to spend time with him and get my mind off of it. Not to mention, it's not even our vacation together yet and he is already talking like he is miserable about it. I don't think he understands that I don't need him. I have never needed a man in my life. I am completely fine with it being just me and my boys, but I married him for a reason. After so of being treated like you are a burden, you eventually shut down and just want to take a step back and away from the person who is treating you like that. I think I am needing to just make a drastic change at everything.