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2020-07-12 18:39:16 (UTC)

Same Shitty Sunday


Morning
5:39am

Wanting to self harm today
Same ole Sunday
Same ole Shit

Selfish
Plum selfish

Thought after speaking my mind on how it makes me feel would change things
What dream world am I living in

Friday night was nice
I had ordered from Victoria Secret, and damn, I was impressed. Cute black see through babydoll, see through black lace, cute little g string lace bottom, back fully open, just barely covered the bottom of the breasts, with cute black fluff and lace over top. I’ve been doing sit ups daily and really looked sharp and sexy in it. So Friday night, was about us equally. It was nice. It was an emotional connection.

Sadly, not on Sundays.
First thing, not even had a smoke or coffee, he just slides close, and I know the drill. 6 minutes, he’s done, no nothing for me, no attempts, no cuddle, no nothing, hops uo, grabs a towel, and goes to the bathroom, brush his teeth, and I got up, grabbed coffee and a smoke and sit outside.

The feelings are cold between us both. There’s no compassion, no love, no nothing. Just cold. Routine.

Puts me in a shitty spot in my mind. Feeling used.

When I feel this way, things start rolling through my mind. Things said that somehow, still hurt, no matter how cold I try to be mentally. I’d like to just not care. Not be effected. But words start running through my head.

The drink, how it shouldn’t matter because he didn’t do it near me, in front of me, around me, so what harm is it?

Well, what if I did that. I’m a self harmer.
So, can’t say anything if I don’t do it around you, near you, or in front of you.

Right?

That’s how you justified what you did, and don’t understand what it put my emotions through. So why can’t I do the same?

I can bet you he will have an issue with it, will tell me it bothers him, and I have to stop it.

That’s just one example I can use right now.
Trying to fight back tears.
Trying to fight back the urge to puke.

DewDrop sent a fucked up message last night after midnight....
“You thought about me last night, didn’t you”
Stupid fucking idiot. I’m so tempted to file a restraining order. This is harassment. If it’s not text messages, it’s voicemails.

It’s nice to know after 4 months I still take up the majority of the space in his head. But also proves, the fucker needs help, and the best thing I did was leave. I’m so glad I never let him know my address. It would be one ugly ass mess.

So I kick myself today, asking myself WTF were you thinking, when I thought maybe writing it in a note would be a good thing, closure.

It wouldn’t do a hill of good. He seriously needs help. More than I do.

I have my SSD gearing tomorrow. Early morning. I pray it’s finally granted. All the things health wise I’m going through every day. It’s sad people like Dew Drop lie to get on it, knowing he can physically work, and people like me, who doctors pulled me from my job, want to work, but can’t, and struggle to get on disability.

(Brb, I need coffee....sitting alone outside, he went in and never came back out to spend time with me, he’d rather lay in bed wanting more of his time, like he’s so much better than me and deserves it.....) (he was on FB messenger instead of out here with me.....it’s cool, ima go for a walk, then come back and get coffee)

Went for my short walk.
Fighting back tears.
Got a fresh cup of coffee and going to watch the walking dead to get my hamster to stop spinning...

11:50am
Watched a few episodes of season 3 The Walking Dead.
Sat here crying.
Got called an “ass”
He did apologize.

What happened was...
His little princess has a tendency to beg when we eat.
I was munching on Honey Nut Cheerios, and dropped one, and when I went to pick it up, told her
“Sorry I’m not going to give you any”
He, already gave her a few
So I said
Ok fine and set out a handful for her
And he said
“Why you gotta be an ass? You wonder why I leave here upset every Sunday”
And I explained .....
“I thought you said we would stop feeding her real food because she has gotten to where she will steal it off your plate or sit and beg while we eat”

Don’t matter.
Not my dog.
So, I’m an ass.
Next, I will be called a bitch.
I’m waiting for it.
Never fails.

Sunday, I get moody.
I explained
“The one sided thing every Sunday sets me in a bad mood”
And of course, no discussion, no changing it, nothing.
I seriously need to emotionally shut off.
Nothing will change unless it’s his way.

(Deep sigh)

1:36pm

(Deep sigh)

Will work on my pro and cons with Indio later.
I’m tired. Depressed. And yes,
Probably going to SH.

Thanks DD3 for my card. Finally came in the mail 💋


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