Ninja Girl

Diary of a Breakup
2020-07-09 20:13:35 (UTC)

Just another Thursday of missing you

1:13pm

Ugh i have a meeting at 3 and i've done zero work which i need to have done for it, so i'm going to do like 2 weeks worth of work in one hour. I couldn't imagine being like you where you enjoy your work. I fell into what i do and i suck it up because of the living circumstances. One day I'll give a shit about enjoying things, for now i'll appreciate that i've formed a career and a half decent reputation (a manager type just went into our employee review system to leave a random comment about how it's good that i'm there to help the team with XYZ tasks, it's all smoke and mirrors dude).

I miss babbling dumb stuff to you.

I miss how good you fucked me. Every night i get turned on thinking about it and then 2 hours later of trying i'm barely able to cum on my own. I'm not kidding when i say you ruined me.

Finding myself surprised at how much i miss the idea of being vulnerable and open with someone. I was reading some stuff on CEN (childhood emotional neglect, which i guess since i got 18 out of 22 on their test i fall under that boat) and how it makes people act like complete unemotional robots. But as i've repeated a million times, since i had nothing to lose with you i just told you things that i don't ever tell anyone. And i thought about trying to then open up to my husband last night. It explains a lot of the superficial conversations he and I have. There's no depth. So i was planning to...and then he was just vegging out on the couch as usual watching tv, playing on his phone, and I just thought "meh" and went to bed.

fuck i miss your shoulders.

I miss that stereotypical mormon boy happy attitude.

I miss being excited about things with you. Adventures. Anything.

I miss you. So damn much. And the only thing stopping me from telling you all of this is that i know it will undo any efforts you're doing and I don't want to do that to you. I have to tell myself that since it is 99% most likely that we'd never end up together, at least you've shown me what i AM capable of getting and SHOULD get in terms of treatment from a guy. It's not that guys treated me like dirt before, i'm not a classic case of a chick who dates some abusive alcoholic or something. But in terms of communication, openness, vulnerability, and just simply not putting up walls to play mind tricks. You've never attempted to get the upper hand with me. And you always wore your heart on your sleeve. It takes incredible confidence to be able to do that.

I never in my wildest dreams would ever think that i'd miss you like this.

5pm
So weird the random things i wish i could message you. Like how I lowered my annual driving amount with my insurance (they don't make it easy to do online but i found from a forum how to do a workaround) so now i'm saving a few hundred bucks a year. And since you and I are both the financially-conscious one, i figured you'd appreciate that.




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