༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2020-07-09 14:53:58 (UTC)

What is.....

It’s 952am on Thursday, 7/9/2020
I tried to get out and start the rider, but, it’s not turning over, so, yes, ended up push mowing 1/2 the yard already. Heart rate hit 180, so had to stop when the push mower ran outa gas.

I ended up asking Indio last night what he thought was ok with him drinking, that I felt it was very selfish of him. He of course gave me the...
“I didn’t drink it in front of you, didn’t bring it around you, so what’s the harm in me having a beer?”
I of course, explained that even the smell of it as a recovering alcoholic will effect me in a bad way.
He still, didn’t get the point.
So, I said....
“So I can smoke crack, as long as it’s not around you, nor I front of you, and you’ll be ok with it?”
Then I get the.....
“I don’t want to argue”
So I shut up.

Asked him where he sees us in a year, he said I don’t know. He went back on his word to move closer and expects me to move to him, knowing I have an autistic child established in a school he does not want to leave.

But, not dwelling on things, I’m just going as I can, with the minute to minute life I’m living.
I will continue to better myself. With,or, without him.
Plain and simple.

I woke up to a voicemail from dew drop.
Asking me still, why I’m not talking to him. Why I’m ignoring him.
Said he will continue to call till I answer and talk to him.
Almost 4 months and he still calls. I still, do not respond. Why should I?
I can make a beat, I will not break, he will....or he seriously has control issues, because to truly love someone, is NOT putting them down, and watch them self destruct.
Sometimes I think I should call, but I know it won’t end good.
I will have the usual domination ordeal he does. Me, ignoring him, is just priceless. I’m sorry, but it’s actually funny. He still talks to his ex’s. I’m one ex, who, yes,I still love and miss him, but want nothing to do with him. His words are mean, cruel, he is not trying to better himself nor his life, he has lied to me, threatened me, and the list goes on. Why would I ever be dumb enough to tolerate that again? I was beyond shattered. Was doing drugs, drinking, and self harmed in front of him. I will not go down that road again.

I’ve realized, I deserve better. I deserve to be treated as I treat people.
I treat everyone decent, even if I’m being treated like crap.
I will say, as a redhead, scotch Irish and German, I do, have a side, that if you tick me off bad enough, I will, get even.....I do it silently tho. I don’t yell, I don’t scream, I don’t cry, I don’t argue, I will get silent, and let the hamster wheels spin for a few days till I get the perfect way to get even.
I am, human.

Example:
Had a mechanic friend, Homer, who took my car completely apart, and refused to put it back together. It was his way to keep me coming by so he could see me.
Well,
I knew he had warrants for his arrest when we met. After trying to get my car put back together for months, I finally, decided to make an anonymous call, and let them know the warrant number and his location. And, I was there when he was arrested. I then, took the cops to the shop, and had them in trouble for selling behind the shop.....
I got my sweet revenge.
Took me awhile to get to that point, but I got there.
I don’t get mad easy. I don’t anger easy. I really have to be seriously pushed past a breaking point to go that round.

That’s just one example. I have, quiet a few.......
Dew Drop has his coming. Eventually.
Wrong of me, probably. But guess what? I’m human. I will, do it legally.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Had nightmares again.
Getting a bit sick of the nightmares. Not sure how to change them. It’s not something I’m awake and aware of.

I, am cooled off, and plum exhausted, but going back out to try and push mow a bit more. 3 1/2 acres.....and I’ve got maybe an acre completed. Took 2 hours.....will take about 5 hours to completely push mow the whole thing.

Yeah, as I said, I work hard at everything I do. I’m not afraid to do it all. I will utube it if I can’t figure it out. I will, get it done.

Could be why men take me for granted. I’m not like most women. I’m not afraid to get greasy, dirty, do the hard work, and still, dress up and look high maintenance, when I’m a down to earth, kinky, open minded, one of a kind woman.

Men, I think feel threatened sometimes.

I out work some men I know, and I’m disabled. Go figure.

Got the “if you’re push mowing I’m not coming back up there” bullshit. Really? You can do what the hell you want and disregard my wishes, but I have to do as you say????

Please..... what he don’t know, won’t hurt.....
I’m going to finish push mowing....
will update later.



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