DominiqueCasise

Silver Lining
2020-03-23 00:00:00 (UTC)

23.03.2020

Well, it is official, lockdown is happening and I am on the rock. That is approximately 90 miles away from my doctor (future husband). I wonder if he has got the virus yet? I hope he stays safe lol, not like I have a chance but you never know! I keep also finding myself wondering if he has kids or not. I hope he doesn't because then it would be official, I would NEVER have a chance with him. Decided I want to marry someone exactly like him. 

I keep struggling with my feelings about Nathan, but keep picking myself back up. Honestly, I need to show myself some more appreciation and praise. I haven't messaged yet and it has been nearly a month since I text him abuse, or maybe it has been a month? Either way, I am doing myself proud by not unblocking him to say "I miss you". I wonder if he has tried to contact me or not? Absolutely not HAHAHA. 

I do really miss him dearly, but he didn't love me, at least not in the way I needed to be loved or the way I deserved. I know if I message it will be followed by instant regret. I am trying to have faith that there is someone out there who is going to treat me so good and really fancy me hahah. I know that sounds so gross but I don't think Nathan ever made me feel really sexy and stuff? weird. 

speaking of sex, I am so horny. Honestly, I was going to message someone who is a year younger than me earlier to hook up with. I am not attracted to anyone younger than me really. Finn kind of seems like he has grown up a bit, he has got tattoos and stuff and drives and is tall and yeah. I should ask if he is a regular drug user, because that definitely stunts your growth. He seems a bit similar to this reject I used to have a thing with when I was like 15. come to think of it he was literally a pedo. I was 15 and he was 19 maybe 20. absolutely disgraceful. Regardless, I'm not bothered by it. I'm not emotionally scarred, or for that matter I don't even actually care. Back to my original point, this Hobie guy was a regular drug user and he had a TINY pee pee lol. Maybe that was why he went for the youngens. So if Finn is a regular coke head, he most definitely has a tiny dick and im sorry, but that just doesn't do anything for anyone. 

I bet mr Doctor has a big dick. 
I bet his wife knows all about it too. 

I wind myself up 

I need to get FIT. I actually remember being 7 stone and able to see my rib cage. I now weigh 61kg most the time and have 3 roles when I sit down. I need to tone my body and my ass. My ass is my only half decent asset. other than that im a pretty basic looking bitch. 

I really want to be a lawyer when I am older, but I am scared I wont make it. the legal career is extremely competitive and I am only mediocre smart. But I am extremely interested in the subject and need the money to fulfil the kind of lifestyle I want. I want to wear a suit and get a nose job and for once not be the DUFF. 

A DUFF is a designated ugly fat friend. I know I am not ugly or fat, but I am the one who doesn't get hit on when I go out. My friend Rose is absolutely beautiful, so it is a confidence knock when I go out with her. I struggled to even introduce my boyfriend to her because I was so scared he would fancy her instead. I think I definitely do have a lot of insecurities.

I saw this movie once called ask me anything. it was about a girl who had mental health issues and she done some online blog similar to this. I wouldnt mind people being able to actually read this. maybe I could be writing stuff that people can relate to? Or this is just a load of shit that no one cares about. either way, im going to browse because I realise that no one can actually read this. 

Currently listening to Supercut by Lorde

God, watch me forget completely about this and then look back on it in 10 years, I will actually vomit at my literal cringiness. 

I just miss my best friend, but I am waiting for that absolute excitement from someone, Nathan never really gave me that, he was so down to earth and chilled while I was on cloud 9 looking at everything through rose tinted glasses and up in the air. Maybe that was the problem? We were two polar opposite people? He would be happy with his small fat and chilled out semi pretty girlfriend. While I want that Christian grey shit. not all the chains and whips and shit, but I want that level of excitement. or I want that Katy Perry Teenage Dream stuff, you know the things that you see in movies. I want a beautiful imperfect love story. 

lol soooo gay. 

Anyway, I want go on a run in the morning. what are the chances I'll actually go? probably not, I'll have an asthma attack after jogging for 20 seconds. 
but need to get fit for Dr Sex 

HAHAH 




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