Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
Ad 2:
Digital Ocean
Providing developers and businesses with a reliable, easy-to-use cloud computing platform of virtual servers (Droplets), object storage ( Spaces), and more.
2020-06-10 22:55:57 (UTC)

June 2020 (1)

6/1/2020 Monday 11:19 p.m.

I try not to let petty shit get to me, especially when it involves people I don't even know. But the more I think about the rude person that demanded I take my last entry down on PB because they didn't agree with it and mistook it for “racist” and “threatening,” the more it pisses me off. Who the hell do they think they are to judge and decide whose entries should be taken down vs. those that are "right" for the PB community? I read shit all the time that I don't like or agree with, and what do I do? I simply stop reading and move on. It's that simple. I don't judge you; you don't judge me. :)

My opinion still stands, and I have every right to express myself the same as others do. I don't support violence as a means of obtaining justice. I never will no matter who's involved and I'm not going to change my mind just because most people think I should. I'll be damned if I'll run and hide just because I'm not willing to bury my head in the sand in the name of political correctness. I have no idea why George Floyd was being arrested and I really don't care either. the fact is that he was needlessly murdered since I didn't hear any reports of him brandishing a weapon or anything like that. No one should have to die to be arrested, and restraining someone for 8 minutes is definitely overkill. In less than that time he should have been cuffed, hogtied if he was out of control, and thrown in a squad car. Can't say that it was done out of “hate” as opposed to the aggressive macho bullshit stance many cops have with anybody and everybody since I don't know the cop involved. But that doesn't matter. Why you kill someone shouldn't matter. What matters is dead he did indeed kill someone and it's a shame to know that he'll never pay for it since those in law enforcement usually take care of their own. He may be in jail now, but we'll see how long that lasts.

Meanwhile, I'm not the least bit ashamed or guilty for feeling that looting and destroying innocent people and their businesses is totally wrong. There's no excuse for taking your anger out on those that have absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand and nothing anyone says is going to make me feel differently. My beliefs and opinions stand as they are just like yours do and that's okay. :-) Violence only incites more violence. What good would that do anyone? I'm not saying you shouldn't defend yourself if someone were to attack you personally, I'm just saying that when you're pissed at the bank teller, you don't take it out on the hairstylist, do you? It's never okay to go on a rioting rampage like a bunch of spoiled children. Becoming criminals and thugs only make you look bad. So unless the owners of this site decide to kick me off, I'm not going to stop expressing myself. I never threaten, I never divulge sensitive/personal info on anyone, so take a hike if you don't like what I have to say. No one's ever obligated to read me. :-)

Speaking of that, I threw on a tracemyip page counter yesterday just out of curiosity and was surprised to get over 90 views. I don't know who they are but obviously I can't be too uninteresting. Even so - and I know I've said this before - while I don't mind sharing my thoughts and experiences with anyone who happens to be interested in them, I’m not here for approval.

StatCounter is working again so I’ll go with them since I can hide the icon unless anyone thinks to check the page source.

Had to laugh at the president running to hide in his little bunker, though, and threatening military action. Yeah, the dumb cock loves to make all kinds of empty threats but that would actually be against the law. In this country, military action is to defend against other countries. I do defend the right to drive through protesters that are blocking roads, especially in emergencies. If you're dumb enough to stand in the middle of the fucking road, you could be hit no matter what the circumstances.

When I think of how this decade has begun, I'm surprised it's not the 40s instead of the 20s since 4 is such an unlucky number. Not even halfway through the year and first it's the virus and then corrupt cops and violent protests. They say bad things happen in threes. What's next? I cringe just thinking about it. It's like the world is going to hell but then humanity has always had its ups and downs ever since it existed. I think it just seems a lot worse now because the news is so in our faces that it seems to compound and magnify things, not to mention the fact that there are a lot more people in the world now than there were 30, 40, 50 years ago.

In general, I'm much more concerned with those I care about and my own personal health and well-being than what's going on in the rest of the world, selfish or not. My husband, my upcoming root canal, my bestie…this is what’s on my mind right now.

Moving on. The lights were flickering really badly all through the night to the point that the power would cut out for a few seconds every now and then. It puts stress on me because I'm on nights now and it was shitty timing like most things seem to be in my life. Luckily, though, it has been taken care of and everything's been holding steady ever since, so I'm relieved and appreciative of that much. It cost $160. I was worried it would take days to get someone out here which would make it even harder on me, especially when I have two appointments back-to-back that are coming up soon enough. Yet he called someone a little after 8 and they were out shortly before 10. Didn't take them long to fix the problem which was exactly what he thought it was. One of the circuit boards had corrosion. Definitely glad it's fixed since it was 90 degrees yesterday and it's going to be 100 degrees tomorrow.

I was going to crash at 6 but ended up not crashing till around 11 with the exception of dozing off for nearly an hour beforehand. I even pulled out the old portable sound machine in which the batteries were amazingly still good. The sleeping earbuds would be great for on the road if they didn't give me those horrible earaches every now and then. Anyway, I slept on and off until 4 and was woken up by traffic once, not at all surprisingly. Then I kept waking up because I was worried I was going to sleep too late and fuck up my schedule. No motorcycles or new house today, though. No idea when they're going to haul it in. At least the motorcycles usually aren't as bad during the week. as I've always said, it isn't so much the residents that are annoying but their visitors and workers. They were annoying in my dreams, all right. First I dream that insanely loud car returned only it looked like an old Caddy. The kind that was really long.

Then I was being annoyed by the damn sawing at Dahl’s place. I looked out and saw two people in the carport and decided it was time to finally find out why there's so much sawing going on over there. But as I was heading across the street, Virginia was sitting with a few people on a grassy area that's really where this retaining wall is in front of the house. When I saw Virginia, I hesitated and decided to postpone complaining since it didn't involve her. But they had already spotted me and insisted Tom and I eat some of the food they had grilled. Some guy handed me a plate with a burger and steak fries that looked delicious, LOL.

Back to reality. I ended up taking a nap from about 8 p.m. to 9:30 and I'm still tired. Hopefully, I'll sleep better tomorrow with no interruptions. Right now I'm going to bake some fried clams and just kick back and relax with a movie.

6/2/2020 Tuesday 9:36 p.m.

Mrs. Twenties delivered Tom the newsletter when he was outside putting air in the tires. Then he read that the person who owns the house that was removed isn't going anywhere. They simply donated the house to farmworkers but will be living in the new house whenever it gets here which wasn't mentioned. I'm sure the illegals will greatly appreciate her old house. I still think it's a ridiculous waste of money when you can just move to a newer place but that's just me.

I just hope the new place comes in when I'm on days!

Slept better last time around and Tom said it was quiet. I figured as much since nothing woke me up, making me wonder once again if the noise curse was always aimed at me since it's been quieter since he's been home despite the lockdown. Plus, the curse began before we even met. I was surprised when he said he didn't even hear much landscaping since Tuesday is a big day for that. He's either deafer than he realizes or maybe they changed their schedule around.

What the hell was I thinking getting bras in size 44? They're definitely big on me and don't give me much support. I guess that like with most people, I'm smaller than I give myself credit for. I'll either keep them for lounging around or get a smaller size or both.

My ear has been driving me crazy and Tom looked at it and could see big chunks of dead skin so I think I'm going to tell my ENT that a year is too long. 8 or 9 months would be better.

Tom said Walmart was pretty crowded when he was there, and half the people weren't even wearing masks. I just hope it relaxes me enough to survive my appointment but doesn't totally knock me out so I can't even move.

The calcium supplements do seem to be helping with the nail lifting and even some of the discoloration has improved. I still have some fungus and I'm looking forward to trying the antifungal nail polish when it arrives.

Tom has a test for a potential job tomorrow but even if he got the most they pay which is $22 an hour, that's less than what we're getting for free and would mean a cut to the retirement checks, so he's going to be sure to have a dumb moment during the test, lol.

I gotta pull back from the internet a bit. I just gotta. Or at least limit where I go and how often. Every single fucking site I go to has some mention of race and racism and it's just way too much. Society has been obsessed with the subject for far too long and while I'm not expecting anyone to sweep it under the carpet entirely, too much of anything is just plain overkill. It isn't a matter of who's right and who's wrong but the excessiveness of it that gets to me. I've never had a tolerance for repetition no matter what the subject. I think any time we get fixated to the point of obsession that people literally live, eat and breathe the issue, it's unhealthy and unproductive. It really isn’t much different than a person who obsesses over another person to the point that it basically consumes them and becomes so much a part of their everyday life. It seems to be all people can ever talk about, and enough is enough! Not all whites are out to get blacks. Not all blacks are angels. Being white doesn't make me “privileged” and one example of that is how my state pays the medical expenses of illegals while my husband and I are on our own. And yes, reverse discrimination does happen. I should know. I was a victim of it 20 years ago.

I did thank those who managed to get supportive comments sent my way on PB. And I agree…it’s not illegal to dislike or hate any particular group, and I get that I’m automatically seen as “racist” for not supporting violence as a means of obtaining justice, but I never have or will use public slurs of any kind nor will I make any direct threats or suggest a person(s) take violent measures against anyone. I simply shared an opinion some didn’t like or agree with and that was all.

As for those saying they want a “safe” place without racism, I think what they’re really trying to say is that they want PB to be about what they want to hear only and what’s popular belief and opinion. Anything out of the “norm” is racist. Therefore, different viewpoints should be censored and banned, right?

But that’s just not real life. The reality of the internet is that it’s a great big smorgasbord of all kinds of things, some we agree with and like and some we don’t. Again, don’t like it, move on.

As for safe; how is PB unsafe? Can any of us reach through our phones or monitors and harm anyone there???

Well, others are free to dwell. I’m moving on to making my first cheeseburger pie!

6/4/2020 Thursday 12:34 a.m.

I know I said I've had enough of this subject, and yes, I have. But I can't help but note that it's a damn shame that apparently, it's now racist to say that ALL lives matter. Just ask the sports announcer that was forced to quit for saying this. So I guess that because one group matters, others don't? As usual, it's blacks against whites and whites against whites. Reminds me of those that insisted marriage should only be between a woman and a man. Why does everything have to be one way or the other and so all or nothing? And how much longer is every single fucking site we go to going to shove BLM in our faces? Getting pushy is not the way to obtain approval. if anything, it's only going to bring on more resentment.

I asked Tom if he felt BLM was a hate group and he doesn't. I don't know about that, though. They've been pretty damn disruptive in some cases. Certainly not as vicious as groups like the KKK, but I think that anytime a group is created for one particular group only and not people as a whole, that pretty much tells me something right there.

Who knows how much longer this bullshit subject is going to be run into the ground and people (of all races) are going to carry on like spoiled children taking their animalistic shitfits out on innocent people? The fuckers are not only hurting innocent business owners but they're interfering with people getting tested for the virus along with a host of other things.

They even started rioting in France, but they love to riot there so this doesn't surprise me. Give them the slightest excuse and they're quick to get their riot on. I swear I am SO sick of this world and the people in it at times!

At least the cheeseburger pie came out well. I've gained a few pounds, though, so time to low-carb back down to my usual plateau.

The planes have continued to be quiet at night but they're getting annoying again in the early mornings. I was hoping I would get a few months off from their shit but I'm sure they're going to be annoying for the most part for as long as we live here.

Tom took the test today and it turns out that even though he was sure to have a dumb moment when it came to it and was quick to let them know that he wouldn't accept less than $19 an hour and couldn't start until after the 11th, they want to send him on a fucking interview anyway. Well, of course they do. He went from not being able to work to not being able to stop working to trying not to work, LOL.

Turns out it's the same company he worked for when we first came to Cali. He really wants to wait until October and then do holiday work and get extra money that way, but he may have no choice. It might look suspicious to Unemployment if it takes him too long to get a job. They may get curious as to why he's had offers and interviews yet is still unemployed. But it would be a temp agency so we would still have the better insurance we now have.

Not only does he hope they don't want him since we're getting more money for free, but that virus is still out there, and we still don't have a vaccine either.

I'm tired today because I was up for a long time and didn't quite sleep for 6 hours. Part of my fatigue is stressing over my upcoming root canal. Nothing woke me up, although there was a project today. Gee, what a surprise! And what a surprise that it was at Dahl’s place. The project whore got new windows from what we can tell. At least this wouldn't have called for much sawing and hammering if any at all.

I just can't wait to one day be able to go to sleep and not worry if anyone's vehicle or project will wake me up! But I still do worry about Florida’s storms. Maybe it won't be any worse than the monsoon storms in Arizona, but I don't know about that. I would think there would be a lot more storms in Florida than Arizona.

We thought the quickest way would be to go through Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and so on, but as I said a few entries ago, it's actually shorter and quicker to head toward the Midwest and then drop down from there. It’s just the way the roads are set up. We're still a ways away from any concrete plans but now we're thinking that instead of a truck and trailer, getting an RV and having it pull Candy might be our cheapest and safest bet since electric cars are so expensive in Florida for some reason. It's weird too, because RVs and gas cars are similar to here but those Nissan Leafs? Not quite.

My biggest concern, although this would only be temporary even if “temporary” may seem like forever to me, is how the hell I would get much sleep until we're on solid ground somewhere. The older I get, the harder it is to deal with a lack of sleep. So even if it was just the couple of weeks Tom expects it to be, that would be like a few months to me, and I would be willing to bet just about anything that’s exactly what it would end up being. You know things always take longer and don't go according to plan, I reminded him. We were only supposed to be in hotels for a couple of months when we came down from Oregon and that couple of months turned into nearly nine months.

I love to fly and he hates to drive, and flying may be more fun, but I don't see how we could afford to fly, spend even just weeks in a hotel, and then buy another Candy (or something I'd assign another silly name to if it wasn't candy apple red).

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of RV parks is a ferocious symphony of screaming kids, barking dogs, motorcycles and God knows what else. But they do have 55 RV parks in Florida. Fortunately, Florida has a lot of old folks in it. :-) Great! This eliminates everything but the mutts since they’re not going to pull a motorcycle. This way, even if they had grandkids, why would they be there? If you're traveling to see your kids and grandkids, wouldn't you visit them at their place instead of having them come to your RV?

Another concern is whether or not a park will let us rent or buy anything due to not making enough money but if worse comes to absolute worst, we could always slap on a down payment on a piece of land somewhere, which is where I think we're going to end up anyway.

If things go really wrong, the climate will mess with my asthma and allergies and the storms won't let me get much sleep and therefore we would likely end up in Texas somewhere. Imagine if we had to move there and Molly knew it, LMAO! I would make sure she didn’t, though, unless Aly told her. I'm not telling anybody but Aly where we're going despite how easy it would be to find our location once we got settled into something we owned. I may mention moving and whatnot in blogs, but I don't have to say where we're going. I’ll tell Kim which state, but there’s no need to mention the town.

6/5/2020 Friday 1 a.m.

I slept well but now I'm not sure if I’ll sleep well until after my appointments. Tomorrow is trash day. Weekends are more likely to call for motorcycles. Then beginning next week, I’ll have the stress of my upcoming root canal.

With today's technology, I jokingly suggested to Tom that we leave cameras behind when we leave so we can see what the next people do to the place. If it's completely empty, though, then cameras would be hard to hide.

Now Shannan is showing up under the People You May Know section. No Holly yet. Again I can't help but wonder what this means. Did she just pick up my message or is it only because I messaged her? If I had to guess she and Doc Hall picked up my messages and then visited my profile. If Holly's picked up hers, she hasn't looked in on me.

I kicked Twitter off my toolbar for now because I can't stand the violent videos anymore showing all the police brutality and rioting going on. It's nothing but a surefire way to get me angry, depressed and anxious feeling, and that's something I can certainly do without. Filtering keywords doesn't work when they're trending in the news. I don't see any way to hide the news feed when I use Twitter on my computer, so I'll only use it on the phone. I also can't see a way to use the account switcher on the phone, so I’ll only use my private account there. Facebook no longer shows trending news, so the only place I should have to have it shoved in my face is when I go to get my Bing points.

Because the world is full of liars, there's no way to know who's telling the truth in the case of Justin Howell in Austin where the pigs fired a “less lethal” bullet at his head and cracked his skull and then fired at the medics trying to help him. It's fucking sick either way. Of course the pigs claim he was struck by accident and that they were really aiming for people throwing bottles at them.

What sickens me even more was the unarmed white guy in his seventies that the pigs shoved to the ground in New York. He started bleeding like crazy as soon as his head hit the ground and the pigs walked on by like nothing ever happened, claiming he “tripped” when the video clearly shows otherwise. This won't get nearly as much coverage, of course, because he's white, but it further proves my point in that the pigs will abuse anybody, and being white doesn't automatically make you “privileged.” Anybody who thinks that is sadly naive and mistaken. Just ask the Cali illegals getting free medical care while we have to pay for our own needs.

Right now it seems like both sides are fucked up in their own ways. Seriously, this world is getting more and more twisted by the moment. We still have far too many blacks falsely and unfairly crying racism and ruining countless lives. But our police departments definitely need serious reform as well. I doubt much will happen to any of the pigs involved in brutality since they do protect their own. Parades, marches and riots have never changed much of anything either other than to allow people to vent. No matter what color I was, the pigs are the last ones I trust to protect and serve me. The problem is - and I don't need a degree in psychology to know this - those that would make better cops aren't usually interested in the job to begin with. It's those who are aggressive and like to act out that aggression that are much more likely to apply.

At about 4 in the morning yesterday, I heard about half a dozen gunshots. Because I don't know much about guns, I couldn't say what type of gun or how far away it was. I don't even know if it was connected to what's going on.

No more front-loading washers. The guy that set it up was right about them being high-maintenance. With my bloodhound nose, I can smell mildew buildup no matter how much we try to clean it. They may not clean clothes as well since the clothes don't get rinsed beforehand, but back to top-loaders we go in the next place. I also get tired of the pod getting wedged between the rubber seal in the door if I don’t put it in a sock bag first.

Wonder if I slipped into another dimension last night in my sleep given how detailed the dream I had was. An ordinary-looking dark-haired woman in her forties came to pick me up and take me to her place.

She had a small home out in the country. The area had a mix of hills and patches of wooded areas. For some reason, she got tired and ended up taking a nap in the one-bedroom cottage-like home. She left the door open and was just down the hall from the kitchen.

So I sat at the kitchen table writing in a notebook to pass the time. I was writing a book about my life that I decided to name Not Dropping My Anchor. On the way over, I explained to the woman that I thought it was an appropriate title since I didn't plan to stay where I was currently living.

I knew that the woman had a gun in the drawer of her nightstand. I then heard someone fiddle with the lock on the back door just a few feet away from me. The way they were taking so long to open the door made me think they were breaking in. Not knowing if they were armed, I ran and hid in a closet. When a guy finally entered that I could see was unarmed through the cracked door, I wondered if I should jump out and surprise him, but then he walked down the hall and began to argue with the woman. I decided to stay where I was in case she shot him as I didn't want to get caught in the crossfire. But then the guy left and the woman went back to napping.

I casually walked over to a window on the other side of the kitchen and looked down the hill at this dumpy-looking single-wide trailer. I could see several colorful kids’ toys strewn about as well as one of those plastic free-standing basketball hoops. I could imagine how noisy it would be when the kids were out playing, reminded of the fact that the country isn't always totally peaceful.

Then I decided to take a few pictures on my phone so Tom could see where I was since he had never been there before. But it was starting to get dark and the pictures barely came out. That was when I decided to wake the woman up and ask her to bring me home.

In a split second, she was out the door and I was scrambling in the dark to gather my stuff, unable to find a light switch. I felt my phone in my pocket and decided that was most important so all was good enough.

6/6/2020 Saturday 2 a.m.

Just went to Bing to get my daily “racism” points. *rolls eyes*

“Dallas Police Adopts 'Duty To Intervene' Policy To Prevent Abuse”

Oh, that'll work. Like the pigs will really prevent each other from getting carried away, right?

“Buffalo police officers quit unit to protest colleagues' suspension - officials”

Well, of course. Why wouldn't corruption side with corruption?

Lastly, it's pretty fucked up that a student has to get expelled over a Twitter post that they made in their own free time and that shouldn't have anything to do with their studies, no matter how much people may not have liked it. Same for the guy booted off some sports team simply for his wife's supposed right to express herself in a way no one agreed with.

Freedom of speech? Who the hell are people kidding? The correct term is more like the freedom to say what people want to hear and what’s popular opinion!

Seriously, can we please go back to segregation now since we're obviously never going to get along? Just leave my bestie’s BF out of it. Oh, people will still find something else to pick on each other for but at least it will be something different for a change.

Did a little research and we're starting to wonder if Blitz might have scurvy which is due to a lack of vitamin C and a known problem with guinea pigs. It's just that tomatoes, which he loves, has vitamin C, so I don't know. We threw in a couple of oranges in our Walmart order and we'll see if he eats that and if it helps or not. Lack of calcium could also cause his symptoms, but guinea pigs shouldn't have too much calcium.

I only ended up having barely 1000 calories the last couple of days and it wasn't because I counted them or was sick in any way but simply what I ate. Protein definitely makes me less hungry. I could easily have a 3-egg omelet every day, but I know that even those without high cholesterol shouldn't have that, so I decided I would replace the eggs with cottage cheese. There’s still some cholesterol in that but not nearly as much as eggs.

Since broccoli is said to irritate thyroids, I decided to replace it with zucchini and it's delicious! I don't know why I didn't think to do this before. I'll still have broccoli every now and then, just not as much.

The nail polish arrived yesterday and I'm hoping it helps my fungus. I have my doubts, though, with both my finger and toenails yet I don't want to take medication for it either. If this doesn't help, then it was just meant to be the way it is. Meanwhile, I'll have a very expensive but lovely bright turquoise nail polish that I'll definitely use up.

I was going to get another set of bras in a smaller size but decided not to for now. I still have smaller bras, just different styles. Instead, I got a 10-pack of low-cut boy shorts. They're not all cotton but they're mostly darker colors. The Alyce boy shorts are too high-cut which means they roll down my fat gut, the lace ones I got tore, and while I could get all-cotton and very comfortable Fruit of the Loom boy shorts, they have too many light colors. I prefer light bras but dark panties. It's not easy to find sets of all-cotton boy shorts in black. I would have to get them in singles and that would be close to 10 bucks apiece.

We also decided that rather than bother with homemade masks to just get the same kind of light blue paper masks dentists, doctors and nurses use. We also got a set of pink adjustable straps so that if they're too big on me I can secure them with that.

Now Holly is showing up in the People You May Know, so that makes all three of them. again, I have no idea if it's because I messaged them or because they visited my profile, but I haven't heard a thing from any of them, so that's it from me.

Got the crazy, outlandish idea to ask Ostrander out for lunch or dinner to meet one last time before we move so I can tell her about the brand issue. I won't ask until the house goes on the market, of course. I'm going to request that I get an answer from her either way but I'm sure I won’t. I guess I’m just wondering if there will ever come a day when anyone that I never met in person that wasn't a neighbor will ever surprise the shit out of me with a reply. Might even say hello to Arteaga and Garland a year or so after moving.

Had a split-second dream where I'm pretty sure I was in Nebraska. I plucked a leaf off a tree and studied it intently. Aly asked what I was doing and I said that it was great to finally see what she sees.

A sign we really will be passing through Nebraska? Well, I should have that answer in less than a year.

We're having another cool spell and I'm not liking it much. It's only getting into the upper 70s today and down as low as 53 degrees. I would be pissed if the pool was open because that wouldn't help warm it up at all. I don't like it under about 76 degrees in the house yet right now it's 73 degrees in here and it's only 2 a.m.

6/7/2020 Sunday 12:13 a.m.

As I go through old journals, I think whoa! This world is way too sensitive for my uncensored journal which I plan to leave after I'm gone. There's a good chance it will get kicked off when it goes public but that's okay. It can exist for however long it exists. Some sites may not kick it off but it's hard to believe it would last very long on Blogger with the way I say how I'd like to kill whoever for screwing me over and I hope God kills whoever for the pain and suffering they've inflicted upon people, etcetera. But Blogger doesn't get much traffic, so I really don't know. It doesn't matter either way. I'm leaving my online legacy whether people like it or not and whether it survives for long or not. The thing is that I don't think anybody cares about reading about someone's life from a few decades ago. Once it gets to be a few hundred years, then maybe. I don't think there will be people left on earth in another 100-200 years from now, but they're still cute up for 2055 unless I publish them sooner. If we find out in 10 years that one of us has terminal cancer, obviously they would be made public sooner.

Back in the days when I thought I wanted a kid for those three or four years or so that I did and I had that dream where my evil grandmother was telling me to pick new goals and dreams, I've often wondered if that was her sending a message from the other side. I'm not sure if there is another side, but if there is and that was really her, it gives me a little hope that there just might not be a hell after all. If anyone deserves a first-class ticket to hell, it would be her. So if she can be deemed to be not bad enough for hell, then I sure couldn’t be. I just can't believe anyone residing in hell would have the power to deliver messages through the dreams of the living.

I'm slow-cooking a piece of chicken and a piece of pork with zucchini, butternut squash and corn on the cob. I bagged the meats and wrote the number of the date on which they expire on the bags, although I already froze most of them. I made sure to add the letter B to the chicken that isn't boneless, not that it matters much. I can kind of tell anyway because the boneless pieces are smaller and lighter.

None of the rodents are interested in oranges so I tried to add drops of vitamin C to Blitz’s food for whatever good that may do.

And the little babies continue to throw their temper tantrums, leaving me to wonder if their shit will ever end. It's like it’s not just about George Floyd anymore. It's about raising hell and labeling all whites as evil racist monsters. Okay, so some of them are going about it in a peaceful manner but many aren't “protesting” but rioting instead. There's a difference.

We saw Bob sitting at the end of his driveway on his walker early yesterday morning as if he was waiting for someone to pick him up. A sad sight to see. Makes me want to kill myself when I hit 70 to spare myself from the hell most of us go through the older we get. Gone is the guy that would annoy me with his power tools, easily and fearlessly climb his roof to blow leaves out of his gutters, trim his trees, and walk the 2-mile perimeter around the park every morning without fail. I wonder if he misses his walks with Jim and the two of them playing golf together. Tom said he could have sworn he saw him driving the other day. That much isn’t too surprising since there are many people who can't walk well but can still drive such as Dixie.

I know this sounds horribly selfish, but I just hope to hell that house doesn't end up on the market before we leave! However, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he was gone by Labor Day and the place was for sale by Christmas. Can't say for sure, though, not knowing the details of his health.

Although I may have TMJ, nerve damage that causes sensitivity to the upper outside area of where the canal was made, sensitivity from skin shedding in the canal, and God only knows what else, I wonder if that doctor in Oregon might not have been so wrong after all. He believed, my eardrum was being vacuum-sucked inward or something like that, putting pressure on the eustachian tubes and blocking them from draining any fluid build-up normally. I think that damn tube has been a big part of the problem the more I think about it. I'm wondering if it's been worse lately because I haven't been taking my allergy spray. Just because I haven't been having sneezing fits doesn't mean I still don't have congestion. I really wonder if it's having trouble draining because the tube is blocked or closing up somehow. That too might explain why I hear a bit of a “tearing” sound when I move my jaw a certain way, sort of like Velcro tearing apart. I found things on Amazon for that but don't want to spend the money on it right now and I want to ask my ENT about it in a few days and see what she thinks.

We're back to the cool spells again and I feel like it's early April instead of early June. It's getting down to 50 degrees this morning and it's only 71 degrees in this room right now. That's about 5 degrees too low for me. I can't wait to live where it's always summer or at least summer more often than it is here!

6/8/2020 Monday 3:56 a.m.

The zucchini pretty much turned to mush and the pork was dry, but the squash came out okay and the corn and chicken came out better than okay.

We decided to bomb the place when I go to the dentist. This should be the last time we ever bomb here.

We're still discussing various options. Can't swear to it but right now it's looking like we're going to drive across to Florida. However, we're also weighing the pros and cons of getting out of this fucked up country. I'm tired of the healthcare system here and the racial bullshit. However, I would be worried that I may have trouble getting insured and finding new doctors in another country. The US is pretty much the only country that will cater to outsiders promptly and with no questions asked. If we decided to do this, we would have to get rid of virtually everything and would spend a few months in the country before making any concrete decisions. It's really going to depend on costs and whether or not any benefits outweigh any negatives. It really would be a lot easier to just stay in the country since no country is perfect to begin with but we won't know anything for sure for a while yet.

Funny that this country has been preaching lack of intolerance more and more lately, but in a sense, when you really think about it, that right there is a lack of intolerance all by itself. It's like we've acquired a whole new kind of intolerance and desire to control others. But still, if only gays and lesbians could get the same love and support blacks are getting all around the world! You can destroy all the statues you want but you can't rewrite history, as bleak as it may be.

I wasn't going to write this just in case Aly does read my entire journal somewhere someday after I'm gone but then I said, no fucking way! I'm not holding back in my own journal because of what someone might read decades from now. Well, where Kim was driving me nuts with long and excessive messages about June, Aly is almost as bad with detailed messages about her parents’ health. It isn't so much that I don't want to hear it and that I don't empathize but that I don't know these people.

It was revealed to me in my dreams that my regular New York follower was in fact Marie. Well, I don't know about that but they definitely refuse to comment for some reason. This must mean it's someone I know, right? I just can't believe anyone's that shy or lazy to leave a quick comment.

I tried friending users I thought may be her. Marie’s favorite animal is the wolf, so I friended those with “wolf” in their usernames. Then I made a FO post to see if she would show up on my visitor list and she didn't. I would really love to know who she was so I could friend her and then do most of my stuff FO.

Trying one more FO post after friending one more batch of possible users.

6/9/2020 Tuesday 4:02 a.m.

We talked more about the pros and cons of moving to another country and I'm pretty sure we're not going to do it. Too risky. Especially when it comes to medical stuff and if we needed extra money. He couldn't just go out and get a job in another country. Again, the US is pretty much the only country that's going to give you instant health care and let you help yourself to whatever jobs are available. Between that and the areas that protect illegals, it's no wonder so many fucking people come over here.

So while it's easy to say I'd like to go to a country that takes care of its own rather than the other way around, well, we wouldn't be one of its own. So we'll have to stay here and pay our own medical expenses since we're from here and continue to deal with all the racial bullshit.

Given the massive outpouring of love and support for blacks from all over the world, maybe people can finally see the big picture and realize that racism isn't as huge of an issue as the media wants you to think it is and that many people make it out to be. Besides, what about all the black cops on police forces around the country? If cops in general hated blacks, does that mean even black cops hate blacks? Funny how you seldom hear about the black cops that also get carried away and abuse their power as well. Again, I don't think it's about race for your average pig. It's about the abuse of power and losing control in the name of power play. White cops do it. Black cops do it. Asian cops do it. And it isn't just blacks who get killed.

With selective reporting, the media can cleverly twist things to either make something look much bigger than it is and not show the whole picture.

Getting worried about my lymph nodes which are becoming more noticeable. I just fear that they won't settle down after getting my tooth fixed. then I'll have the tough decision of whether or not to bump my PCP appointment up or not. I'm just tired of appointments and running to doctors every time I feel something. It's unlikely to be anything life-threatening and while it's uncomfortable I'm not in any real pain. Just dealing with fatigue at times.

6/10/2020 Wednesday 4:26 a.m.

It's ENT day. Compared to tomorrow, I expect this visit to be short and sweet. Going to see if I can see her again in March since that will be getting close to when we leave. Going to also ask her about this thing I saw on Amazon for blocked eustachian tubes. Just wish the outside hadn't gotten so sensitive thanks to nerve damage.

The endodontist’s office called yesterday to confirm that I got the Halcion and said to feel free to take my phone and listen to music through earbuds and to remember to remove the nail polish from my middle finger and all that. I'm going to remove all of it later today. I'm curious to see if this new and pricey polish is helping the fungus. Unfortunately, I have my doubts about that as much as I have my doubts that getting the root canal will help my lymph node. It was sore yesterday and I had to take ibuprofen for it but at least that helped. I could feel soreness in both my neck and side of my boob. Also, if you look closely enough, you can see a slight bulge in my neck.

After reading around a bit, I realized that there's a chance it could be lymphoma even though Tom and I both doubt it. I do have some fatigue but that could be connected to my tooth. It seems like every other day I just don't have much energy. Or I’ll start off okay and then a few hours later I'm dragging for the rest of my day. But I don't have most of the other symptoms of lymphoma.

I asked Norma how often she gets woken up by thunderstorms in Florida. She saw the message but hasn't replied. What, does she not like the idea of me moving there? Again, I know she's going to side with and believe whatever the termite tells her because she knows her better. Just not well enough to have crossed her in the way that would unleash her true colors.

While our stuff is definitely going to travel by ground, we're still not sure if we are. Now we're throwing up the idea of shipping Candy and flying to a condo. Yes, I hate living connected to others but if it's only for a few months to test the climate, it wouldn't be much noisier than this place when you think about it. Instead of landscaping, it would be doors slamming. Instead of traffic, it would be footsteps. I would still be hearing sounds, just different ones. As long as the place isn't too close to the street, especially a busy one.

Tom likes the Venice area on the Gulf side. Lots of old folks there and good beaches, yet close enough to big cities and rural areas further inland in case we decide to stay but not in a community.

I could likely adapt to the climate without any serious lung or allergy issues, especially since you spend most of the time indoors in air conditioning, but what I'm most concerned about is how often thunderstorms would wake me up. That's what I want to find out. If that's an issue, then I'm going to have to return to drier ground. It would also be nice to have another adult community to compare this one to, although I would think it would be similar. Times change and so do people. It's noisy everywhere these days. Once we pick the state, then maybe we can try to get something a little less noisy somewhere.

I had a quick and vague dream about moving to the Northeast, which we would never do, and not being sure I wanted to stay there because of the cold.

Then I dreamed we had a place somewhere that was connected to my parents’ place (ugh). There was an inner door between the two places like connecting hotel rooms. I walked over to my parents’ side and into a room that had two beds similar to in a hotel. Some guy was sleeping on one of the beds. I woke him up and he swore at me. Then I left and drafted an email in my head about it that I would send to my dad.

Then I entered our place from the outside and was surprised to find the door unlocked. But I checked the place, which seemed to be a small one-bedroom, and found no one in it.


Oh, to have all my appointments be as short and sweet as it was today! It was more like an enjoyable social visit than anything else.

My once just there ENT has become so cool and I'll miss her. Funny too, because she started off very business-like and some described her as rude and snobby. She never stood out to me in any way and I could have taken or left her for all I cared. She cut her hair to the shoulders and went from brown to dark blond. She's fairly ordinary-looking but now treats me like an old friend, LOL.

Instead of getting right down to business when she entered the room, she took a seat in the chair by the door and asked how I was and I told her it was a pleasure cleaning her luxury apartment, LOL, and told her about the dream I had.

She laughed and said, “Well, I definitely don’t have a luxury apartment.”

So then I told her my ear was up and down as usual and asked what she thought about the device for eustachian tubes. She said don't waste my money. She said the best thing to do would be to pinch my nose and gently blow my nose which is exactly what the doctor in Oregon recommended.

My ear wasn't horrible but was in need of cleaning out the dead skin, though, and this time she used a vacuum before using what she calls a grabber to clear out the rest of it. She agreed that a year is a bit long, so I'll see her one last time in March.

I told her we were moving and that was also why I didn’t want to wait a year. She asked where we were going, and I told her. I said it was too bad I couldn't take her with me and that I would miss her, and she said she'll miss me too. I told her if she was ever going through Florida to let me know and she said she would.

She and her husband have been talking about where they might go when they retire in about 15 years. As I was telling her, California is simply too crowded and expensive. She said it's okay for if you're working but otherwise no. She said she lived in the south and was originally from Washington, so I guess they're considering those areas.

I don't expect to ever get a response, but I’ll message the one account I found with the name of my ENT on Facebook once we get settled wherever we end up and let her know that she can feel free to message me there as well if she wants when I see her in March.

She told me I looked cute all dressed in pink which is also her favorite color and I complimented her colorful mask. She said one of the people that works there made a bunch up for the staff.

Before the doctor came in, I was brave enough to let the beautiful and friendly black nurse check my blood pressure electronically, and while I was a bit nervous and the top number was high, it didn't grip me nearly as tight as the one we have at home.