Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2020-07-07 22:39:54 (UTC)

Forced Self-Discovery & A Dream Helping Me Through

I know it is important to learn to love yourself, before anyone else loves you. Also, to not be in a hurry to find love and to find out who you are. That's all well and fine, if you're single, as I was so many years ago. But, I think I understood these concepts back then, before I met my husband. I wanted love, of course, but wasn't desperately seeking it. I enjoyed being single... and probably dreaming of love, as well. I had it together so much better than I do now, though I was 20 and living with my family. Now, I'm 34, completely alone and have lost the love of my life, whom I was with for 12 years. I gave my virginity to him and I'm proud of that, and I am proud that I have never been with any other men. I did kiss a couple boys before my husband. Uh-oh, I'm so bad. Lol.

Wow... I often go in directions I do not mean to. Could 'tangential' be a good adjective to describe my mind and thought processes, or is that too mathematical a term? Is math related to science? Just kidding. I like Katy Perry... but, damn girl, really?!? I just want to argue about Pluto and why I think it should be a planet still... with Neil Degrasse Tyson and other scientists! They are smarter than me and I will likely lose the debate, but it would be fun!

Anyways... back to the original point I was trying to make!: If now is a time I can find who I am and learn to love myself, I feel that that is being forced upon me. I could still do all that with the love of my life here! It's called alone time, though if he were here, I would not want that at all. I'd be so happy and thankful... 😒😒😒

If I ever fall in love again (now I'm thinking of that Shai song... ::SIGH::), that's going to be one of the worst things about me... is that I'm not going to want to leave them alone! Of course, if they ask me to, I will, but I'll be thinking of that lyric from "Sanctuary" (❀Joji❀ If there was any way of Joji and I getting together would MT approve? I know he wants me to be happy, but I know he'd want me to be with the right person... even though, that was him. ☹ It would be the "second best." Sorry new, future love -- I won't shove that reality in your face, but it's true. It's not my fault MT died. ☹):

"Pull me oh so close
'Cause you never know,
Just how long our lives will be."

Joji... you look so damn snuggleable! I know this is total fantasy, but it's what I have for now and it's amazing I'm still capable of it, with my grief. I'm a romantic, though and Joji... 😍😍😍 He's so much like MT, from what I can see. Will I ever know for sure/find out? Probably not. But, he is a dream helping me through my grief and loneliness. ❀❀❀ 😊😊😊

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