adelehutchxnson

Happy or Depressed?
2020-07-05 13:41:30 (UTC)

New character

Sometimes I still think about hurting myself.

I constantly have some kind of issue but it always comes from me, like I am the issue.

I’m so sensitive that everything makes me cry and I’m so vulnerable for getting hurt as people’s words and thoughts on me is really what builds my character as I don’t feel much of myself.

The way my life is is how it’s meant to be anyway. I’m not hard off and I don’t have a bad life at all. I’m just unhappy with myself which makes it really hard to show or feel general happiness in my life.

This has been a thing for years and I’m not sure how I can get or feel better. I tried to do the every pessimistic thought turn in an optimistic thought although you have to really believe in what your saying or telling yourself and I don’t. I’m just faking being positive.

I have so many chances and opportunities currently in life right now to progress. I’m on the way to getting my degree which means I can build an amazing career earining money and helping people in their law pursuits. I have an amazing boyfriend which we have our ups and downs but I believe we could really build a life together, have a family all of that if we both put in the work to change and I particularly change myself.

If I don’t change who I am, none of this will happen. But everyone always says to just be yourself but me being myself doesn’t get me anywhere. My best way right now that I can consider doing this is if I act. I need to put on a different face to how I’m feeling, and do less talking. Less trying to explain myself, less trying to make myself happy and more pursuing what will help me progress.

I generally want to not get into bed and cry almost immediately and continuously doing myself in life, I don’t want to be so weak and silent jusg to make others happy but if it helps to get over the bumps I will do it.

I don’t want to be who I am therefore I won’t be and I’ll be the person who is likely to be more successful in life. It will require some about of brain food to get myself into this mindset but it’s not about how I feel it’s about what I portray and how I act.

For many years I’ve put on a front to everyone around me, even some of my bestest friends don’t know about the lows I’ve hit in my life and the things I’ve done to myself because I don’t want to be seen in that way. It’s hard to understand unless you been through it and I’m fully aware of that.

All I can do is try it may not work, I may not be happy but I honestly just want to know I’ve played a good part in people’s lives and that they’re happy regardless.

Time to shut my mouth, suck it up and be how I think people will prefer me to be.




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