My Secret Friend

Shel’s Thoughts
2020-07-03 10:27:51 (UTC)

Endless Thoughts

So, I wake up today and everything is just running through my mind. I am thinking about all the past choices that I have made that have put me where I am today mostly though. What would have happened if I would have worked a little harder at my first marriage? Where would I be now? Would I be happier if I had just kept it me and the boys instead of getting married again? Don't get me wrong, I love Mike, but something between the two of us has changed. I know he tells me that the physical stuff is not me, but what am I to think when I have a husband that never wants to be around me or touch me? I can't decide if it is the changes that have happened to me physically that make him not want to be with me, but I lie to him when I tell him the physical stuff is not a big deal. If I changed the way I looked or lost weight or anything would things change for him? I just want to be noticed and that is something that I totally lack at home. I hate it. That is one thing that I never had to second guess with Brent was if he wanted to be with me. He always made time and I always felt like he looked at me and wanted me. It was just everything else that fell apart around us. With Mike, it seems like everything is lacking. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells on what may upset him or make him mad, he never wants to pay attention to me at all unless we have a huge blow out and I finally lose it on him about being lonely. I only have one more year with Zach in school. The thought always crosses my mind on what it would be like to just pick up and move to Tennessee after he graduates and just start over. There has to be something better out there for me. Life can't honestly be like this all the time. What would it be like to not feel like I had to ask permission to do stuff? I'm thinking that this next year could be bringing a lot of changes for me.