MamaB

Life as I know it
2020-07-03 07:17:42 (UTC)

Testing Testing Day 2

Last night i received 4 messages from him while I was asleep. The usual mmm, MU, XX and then.....U abandoned me!

What a Cheek!! I know he's trying to push me to answer him and it's REALLY hard not to so I'm writing here. I can't believe how egocentric he his and that he's not wondering WHY i'm doing this. He has all the answers and just needs to reread my messages, but i guess if he didn't get it the first time, he won't get it now right? i'm quite sure he wanted to continue this charade indefinitely but continuing it would totally break me. I can't do this to myself. A few weeks ago I told him that it's difficult loving someone and knowing that it's useless.That i'm tired mentally and physically trying to figure things out. He didn't give any solid reply. Just the usual mmm which half the time i don't understand.

GRRR how much i hate being in this position. I tried just treating him as a hook up but I can't. i have feelings for him. With other hook ups i was very detached and no emotional involvement whatsoever so it was very easy for me to let go, but him, eh no! I WANT him and i don't even know why! OK he's handsome and I am stupidly in love with his nose! he's taller and funny and teases me a lot which sometimes makes me feel awkward and rejected but most of the time it's our way of connecting and laughing and loving.He''s generally sensitive except i guess with me and sometimes he sends me messages out of the blue when i mostly need them. I feel attracted to him but sexually there seem to be some issues. I love his company and i'm fully aware of him when he's present. Sometimes though it does get awkward. it does feel that we're on different planets and when i need reassurance, he seems to be a million miles away. He seems to need a lot of validation from his friends and they are his safety neet and his comfort zone. I tried to figure out if he wanted space or wanted time with his friends while we were together but i couldn't really understand. We used to go out alone....which i liked and he seemed to encourage, but then he would tell me not to go to the festa cos he's going to be with his friends, which i had already met and travelled with a few weeks before! go figure huh! And then i discovered pictures of him with his ex and his friends at this festa on facebook two years before.......soooooo.....my conclusion....he's ashamed of me being there. He denied but i'm not stupid. A week or two after that, he dumped me.

I just need to continue reminding myself of these things in order not to fall for him. Unless things between us change, I don't want to live in this mess. This is a cleanup, and if I'm gonna do it alone, he's done.




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