Broken Glass Park
I AM In A Hell, Of Sorts...
I've been bitching about people bitching. I honestly can't take the negativity. And they are complaining, but they all seem to have more going on for themselves than I do... whether they have family, friends, a significant other, children and/or a pet/s. Most people have at least one of those people in their life. Yes, I'm counting the pets as people! I'd love to have a cat, but I'm not allowed. Even if I were, I just live in a small room, so no. I'd be afraid to even meet someone as lonely as I am, mainly because... I hope there isn't! I know there are, though. Like, how many people go through grief absolutely alone? Oh my gosh... .
About all this bitching at work... in the words of Taylor Swift, "And I'm like, damn - it's 7:00 AM!"
I also can't stand people urging me to smile or be more positive. They don't know and/or understand my situation/life!
I was so exhausted all day today, I felt numb and like I was drunk.
I cried for an hour when I got home. Ranted to and AT God. As bad as it is, I'm technically in communication with God, nonetheless. I think some of my views towards God are Jewish. It kind of makes sense, considering I've read The Old Testament even as a Christian and/or Agnostic/unreligious person. I don't have a religion, but I think it's part of the Jewish faith to question God. There's at least, some of that in Psalms. Oh my gosh... I found a fantastic example that I SO relate to: "WHY do You stand afar off, O LORD? Why do You hide in times of trouble?" - Psalm 10:1
And I read something several years ago about a Rabbi who said that we are all held accountable for what we do in life, after we die. If you repent of your sins, while alive, you will not have to go through so much purging and/or pain after you die. Yeah, it's sort of like Purgatory. What it is, is you have to fully face both the good and the bad you've done in life. The bad can "burn" you, last a long time (God's time is different from ours, afterall...) and basically feel like hell and/or hellfire, if you didn't fully face what you did in your life already. Oh man... Jeffrey Dahmer is going to go through a lot of hell... he actually said that he did not blame his parents for how he was and what he did, but that he only blamed himself. Well, that's quite... logical. If you watch the interview where he says that, however, there is no emotion at all on his face. He can acknowledge things objectively, but that is actually part of how a psychopath (or sociopath) works. They can't empathize at all with people or the pain they cause to their victims (before they die) or their victim's family and friends. This is not to imply that all psychopaths and/or sociopaths are murderers, but the ones that are... cannot connect at all emotionally to people and to their own emotions. That is why they can commit their heinous acts and feel no remorse and/or guilt and keep doing what they do. And their heinous acts give them some sort of thrill - an emotion they dont otherwise have. Its so fucked up. But, according to that rabbi... they will pay for what they have done in not a literal fire and brimstone version of hell, but by having to fully face 100% what they've done, without being able to escape to other thoughts or anything nice or good. It's like a cleansing, purifying fire. And the thing is, we will all go through it, but it won't last so long and therefore, be nearly as bad for most other, decent people. I like this belief. We're all cleansed before we can go to the afterlife. This may imply that everyone goes to heaven... maybe, but there can be different levels of heaven. In any case, I don't believe in an eternal hell, though for people like Jeffrey Dahmer... I don't know. That interview is crazy in how sane and logical and coherent, he seems. At the same time, he never shows emotion and is quite cold.
Once again, I didn't mean to get that deep. Why am I reading The Bible, if I'm so angry at God all the time? Well, I am slowly reading through it for the 3rd time in my life, so that I can read The Book Of Mormon, afterwards. While, I very well may need spirituality in my life, I'm doing this for more insight into my husband's beliefs. He was Mormon. I feel it necessary to read The Bible first.
And as it stands, I've read most of The Book of Mormon. I love 2 Nephi chapter 2 - it's very, very interesting. Maybe I'll write about that in a future entry.
I still have yet to look into 1 Corinthians13:12. I'm about to now and may write about it later.
It may as well be like I died. When will this purging end? I don't think anyone deserves to suffer like this. If this is the next 50 years of my life (an estimate, considering I'm 34 - my great grandpa actually lived to 84, so maybe I will too...), God should just kill me now. I know it says do not test The Lord. I just want to be with my husband again and not suffer any longer this lonely, miserable existence any longer.
I'm not sure, exactly, how to word the following...
Well, I was watching an old Mario Maker video of Ryukahr and I started crying. I just had leftover tears from my hour of crying, I guess.
I get tired of my YouTube and little bit of TV, I watch. Still haven't received Francis Of The Filth yet. 😡 I'm tired of everything. I got bored when my husband was here, but that's all it was... boredom. Now, I despair of these things... that they are all I have. But... I should be content. I'm doing all the same things I did when my husband was alive, anyways. I'm fine.
This is partly why I don't want to change things. I'm not sad when I'm home, I'm comfortable. Even the sadness of missing my husband is lessened by actually being at home because I feel like his spirit is here.
Can anyone understand that?
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