Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2020-07-01 00:51:49 (UTC)

I Guess I'm Not Such An Antisocial Pessimist???

I couldn't stand the silence at work this morning. It makes for a tense atmosphere. Meanwhile, I would not shut up, but I was working the whole time I was talking. Of course, it's aggravating when it's really busy and people are just standing around talking and not working. But, when it's not super-busy, you can't just talk to people, while you're working? There's times you can't talk, really, like when it's busy, but it wasn't that busy!


How am I, the most antisocial of people, suddenly becoming the most social? And it's not a forced change - it's happening naturally!

I'm just becoming more like my husband. If I can't have him in my life, I must retain his spirit, as much as possible in whatever ways I can.

For me, being the "goody-two-shoes" and my husband being a smoking, drinking, cussing Mormon -- I would say he was a much better Christian than I am. I can be... stingy. I don't trust anyone. I have very good reason, but at the same time you could consider me a little paranoid. But, like Jesus, my husband hung out with everyone (Jesus was despised for hanging out with Matthew, a tax collector) and helped anyone when they needed help, in any way he could. He was one of the most generous people I knew in my life and one of the most Christ-like people - in spite of his vices. No one is perfect, afterall. I think my vices are sugar, caffeine and junk food. I know I'm over weight because I can feel the extra weight. I'll start figuring out small ways to lose weight and slowly start doing that. I don't mind how I look, but I do want to be healthy and not get out of breath from walking because of my weight. I'm about 6 feet tall and 250 pounds. I used to be around 220. That was before my husband died. I would be happy, if I could get back to that, even if that is still overweight. That can just be my first long-term goal.

A problem with this, will be having to buy new clothes. I'm not worried about being able to afford them, I'm worried about being able to find them. I often get angry about the verse in The Bible, attributed to Jesus, no less that talks about not worrying about God providing you with clothes because he takes care of the birds. Yeah, the birds are fine, but what about the humans? What about all the starving children around the world? I shouldn't just focus on myself in this scenario, especially not with much more serious matters going on. But, do you think I or anyone else, feels better knowing this? Maybe I do feel better about my life, but that's sick, in a way. It's sadistic. I don't want to think or talk about these things anymore and I didn't mean to get so deep and dark with this entry. Not at all!

It's fine, if God doesn't help me with my small, first-world problems, but help the children!

There's just too many things to be mad at God about! And of course, humans are to blame for all these problems, but it seems like God just sits back and watches all of our suffering. I guess it would interfere with our freewill for Him to intervene, but when you are crying and begging to God for something, a friend, in my case, or just help, in general, and you don't get that - not what you want and not even what you need.

Where is this divine intervention and miracles I hear about?

And surely, there's no reason why deadly viruses, disease, starvation and other things HAVE to exist!

Instead of asking who is God, or is there a God, I'm asking, WHERE is God?

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My husband was a Christ-like person. Now, he's an angel watching over me. And that's comforting. But, he's not God and can't help me the way God could. But, it seems like God WON'T. And as I've been saying there are far worse problems in the world than what I'm going through. It's difficult to see the bigger picture through so much grief and pain, but I guess I'm looking through a glass darkly. 😉

Wow... is that what that verse is about?!? Unfortunately, I can't look that up right now. So, that may be my next entry!

Did not intend to write this much.

Ahh yes... one more thing. Tired of all the bitching and complaining from people who have better lives than me... they have a significant other, and/or friends, family, children, a pet. SOMETHING or SOMEONE. I DON'T. YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLES!!!

On a much lighter note... going to watch Ryukahr now. I think besides the obvious (Filthy Frank), Ryukahr is my favorite YouTuber. It's always going to be Filthy Frank, but Ryu is second, for now. He's just so cool and I love, love, LOVE Mario Maker. I'm actually wearing a shirt right now that has many of the characters from Super Mario World on it. My husband bought it for me. 😊😊😊 In fact, all my shirts are ones he bought for me, along with shirts of his, that I can fit into. He was shorter than me. Funnily enough, our feet were almost the exact same size! I have small feet for my height. I'm not a foot fetishist, but he had beautiful feet. He could have been a foot model. Lol. Seriously, though!


Anyways...

I love you, Monkey Man. Pray for me, please. You are closer to God than I am. Say "hi," to Nana and Papa for me!


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