All that is
I'm 31 and I may fall in love
I'm so grateful. that i'm alive. there couldn't have been a better time for me to be alive. I've had a journey but when i pause to think that the self I am right now, is the most enlightened i've ever been about myself. It's a good thing to know yourself. If you know yourself, nobody can tell you anything. I'm still riding into this but with a clearer sense of ...self trust. Trust your own voice. Not trusting my own voice is probably, i think, the greatest disservice I've ever done myself. hands down i think. and it's such a shamge to think. how could it have taken me so long to trust myself more? I've always been ahead of the curve. the most insightful, the most genius, the most zany, the most creative, the most modest. maybe that's been it. I've been so modest about it all that I started believing it myself. That I am just like everyone. If i could tell my early teenage self one thing it would be:
Give up on trying to convince them that you're just like everyone else. You're not, and the fact of it is the best thing that you'll ever realize. You're an artist.
For X. I hang on every word.
I'll be 31 on Thursday. damn. 31 you know. it even looks weird when I type it down in relation to the age I'm turning. maybe we get used to writing down our after age after three or four decades previously only ever beginning with only ones and twos. if i think about it i've never written down 31 or 32 or 33 and so on, next to my name. "xxxxx xxxxx", 31 years old.
I'm excited, slightly afraid, though in an 'I know it'll be fine' kinda way. It's got to be. I have a better grasp of what i'm doing and for the first time I know why i'm doing it and what it's going to be. But the size of the ambition and even those ones that I'm too afraid to even fully visualise for fear that I'll fail, makes me feel anxious at times. I have a high rate of not completing things or following things through, this is why it feels the way it feels - frightening. and i've felt that fear for a while and stayed just below the point where I don't need to take it any further. where the thought of it can give me a small does of a sense of direction just enough to satiate me. but they said growth feels uncomfortbale and scary. It's supposed to feel uncomfortable that's why its growth - youre going into - growing into somewhere, and someone you havne't been or seen before. You're doing something you haven't done before that's why it's uncomfortable. So the next time something feels uncomfortable i should ask myself whether it feels this way because i'm about to cross or am crossing a valid boundary that matters or whether this discomfort i'm feeling is because it's something I'm not used to doing often. This could lead to growth. Strive toward doing the things you fear the most be it's in those places you'll often find what you need. Public speaking/ public self expression. I've just figured something out. it's not so much public speaking i fear, if that were the case i wouldn't be able to read out loud. It's more public self-expression that's the root fear. Especially in words. Maybe that's why i like visual art so much, i don't have to talk. i'm like an expressionist painting, happy being what it is and happy for everyone to draw their own interpretation and be on their way. it'll obviously be nice if everyone generally think positively. Having to self express with words (words alone? ) Is like forcing a Monet piece to have a singular interpretation. But every now and then you read a sentence or a paragraph by an author who at that moment has done it so well. tony morrison, chimamnda, lionel shriver, jonathan rosen. their words colour the picture so well in your mind that you have to pause for appreciation. that's why they say 'painting with words'. not that that does it any justice. probs why writing is one of the more 'difficult' expression forms.
It's a difficult thing to do that's why i admire those who can do so with words, so much. And I want to be able to do that too. I think it's what i desire the most out of anything. and what i'm afraid of the most. come to thing of it the saying may have been 'that which you fear the most is that which you most desire' somewhere along those lines.
so It's that confidence in self-expression that I lack. before i had been looking at verbal fluency when what i truly needed to do was develop a feeling of certainty in whatever it is i'm saying or talking about, or any opinion i'm sharing. that fear is a fear that my opinion is not valid or 'correct'. Not because it's not - i often know it is valid - but more that I will not be able to access and express the knowledge that would back it up. Basically, i'm not sure of what i know. i'm not sure . it's more like high-level opinions on things. i'm not that "involved". it's probs a bit of apathy formed over time. If i don't care about anything enough I won't ever have to fight too hard or feel the need to resist opposition in any form. It's not a bad survival mechanism in many ways. but the thing is when you don't care 'that much' about most things your opinions become blurred. When your opinions are blurred your boundaries become blurry too. If you're not clear with others on what your opinions are on matters then chances are you're not clear with them about your boundaries either. Which kind of leads to challenges with enforcing your boundaries and is a bad recipe for developing a happy life.
I also think I have a strong personality I've shied away from it in the past. When i think about it, i do think i'm a god amongst men. Everywhere i go people look. People always have a visceral reaction. I've been cheating myself but i'm glad this happened because most people in their lifetimes will never realise what i've started realising. I literally think I'm a god amongst men. Im so blessed its unreal. Who else is like me? Who else looks like me? Sounds like me? So trust myself and my voice. If it's coming from me, chances are that it's a winner. Walk into the room like im a god amongst men.
But having a strong personality but having public self expression issues is a killer. You have so much to say but so little ways to let it out. It can get quite uncomfortable like trapped wind. lol
"expressionist paintings" "expressionist painter"
build my confidence in self-expression. people like william i love. eve.
Well how do i become certain of what my opinions are? I can do this by literally learning about myself.
create a book about yourself - literally like a manual. not about facts but your about opinions. An anatomy of 'xxxxx's opinions' it'l be called. You'll give your opinion of everything. Begin by writing a list of questions for yourself. - It can be as simple as do you like the colour pink? Yes/no why... to what do you think of Twitter? or more developed like why do you think writing is the most difficult art form? Or rather begin with stating the opinion. "I think writing is the most difficult art form' then ask 'why'? and answer it and then ask 'why again and again. Until you get to asking 'why should i ask why'? How do you feel about In it, have a list of questions. Begin with statements on your opinions on your area of expertise - art, visual, expression, film, colour, composition, photography, light, visual language - write down the opinions of each thing.- if there's no opinion say 'i would like to form an opinion on X because i would love to discover what I tihnk about X. start slow always. Opinions aren't formed in a day but over time. start with a high level opinion if you must. write it down seek out those who beg to differ. write it down. does your original opinion change? If so why? write it down. write down every new and updated iteration of that opinion. this could eventually be a visual exercise. make sure to note down your age, at the time, your destination, your job, marital status, or any other life circumstances that are worth noting. the visual could be a pic of the brain like it's a map of the world or of the london underground. on a screen as you move the cursor form place to place, these different countries are your opinions, all categorised into a wide range of topics . your opinions can also be categorised by 'objects' or colours or weathers, or names, or people, or animals - you get to see what you think of each and everything. not only that, but you get to see how those opinions have evolved.
Anxiety is a fear of what you think will happen. But you don't know what is going to happen so why have you allowed yourself to believe that to the point where you're now responding to it? Ask yourself why you think that's what's going to happen? Catch yourself and literally ask the question 'why do you think that will happen?' By doing that you're asking the feeling that's taunting you to explain itself. It normally fails to do so because the truth is there is nothing to be afraid of. It's the equivalent of being in a verbal match with a bully that tries it with you by saying something inflammatory or insulting and then responding with 'what do you mean? 9 times out ot ten that question will catch them by surprise and make them pause. So every time you feel that swell of anxiety or fear of what you think may happen, call out that subconscious voice with the question 'but what makes you think that will happen?' and watch the voice struggle to answer.
I'm 31, let me start falling in love.