(AmIHere)

My Thoughts
2020-06-27 18:29:16 (UTC)

Dear Dad (possible triggers 18plus)

Dear Dad,
I write this here because I know that I will never have the guts to give you this in person, or the guts to say what I want to say to your face. I have so much anger, sadness, and hurt towards you! When I was a kid you were supposed to protect me. You were supposed to keep me safe! But you didn't, no one did. It was a sunday after church, you weren't at the house because you didn't go to church. That sunday is the only one that stands out in my mind, but I am pretty sure it happened more than once in my life. I was fucking 6 years old!! Why didn't you protect me from him? Why didn't you stop him, when he did it to my sisters before me. Why did you let your own father abuse/molest me in such a way that scared me for the rest of my fucking life? He took me out back, bit my breasts (or at least where they should have been) and had his hand in my panties, he didn't care that I was a child, He didn't care that I was family... and WHERE WERE YOU DAD????????
Why did you sit there and let everyone else in the family say "oh lets just forget about it as if it never happened?" and not report it when everyone saw the marks on my body? Why Dad WHY??
Even after the truth was out, you still made me go around him, you still moved us in with him when you lost the house. You forced me to be around the one man that had hurt me, the one man that scared me! I don't remember much about my childhood, aside from that and the beatings we would get when we messed up as kids. Yes dad, they were beatings to me, being whipped harder and harder with a belt just because I cried. Oh, but you put on a good show didn't you?!? always going around like nothing was wrong.
You see what you don't know, what no one else knows, is that your nephew did the same thing, every time you took us over to their house so you could play D&D, when the kids were ushered into the other room in the dark to watch movies.. Yeah dad it was happening then too. I was too afraid to say anything, I was a child, YOU were the adult. You were supposed to protect me!
Do you know dad that I tried to kill myself when I was sixteen because I couldn't stand being alive anymore? Do you know that I slept with so many people trying to find what I was missing in my life? Do you know that I have hated myself ever since I took a stand and set your father to prison? I shouldn't hate myself dad, I shouldn't be mad or angry at myself for doing what YOU should have done all those years ago!! I shouldn't be angry with myself for protecting myself. But no, You all made me feel like I broke up the family, like I did something wrong. well FUCK YOU! If you would have been the father I needed all those years ago I wouldn't have had to stand up for myself, If you would have been more present emotionally then I wouldn't still be in fucking therapy for years now.
Do you know dad that I am still afraid of you to this day, at 31 years of age I am still afraid of you! How is that right? Why is it, that you instilled so much fear into me as a child, I don't even want to ask for your help, I don't even want to see you!
You blame all my mental issues on my mother, but Dad the truth is, you are to blame for them! You are to blame!! But in your eyes, you never did anything wrong. the one time you admitted to being a shitty father, I comforted you saying that my siblings and I didn't turn out that bad.. I bold faced lied to your damn face to make YOU feel better. All the while I sat there screaming on the inside!! When your father died all those years ago, I wasn't crying out of sadness like you thought, I was crying out of relief. Relief that I didn't have to worry about him anymore, that I didn't have to fear for mine and my daughters safety everytime he was around. I was glad he was gone!!!
Dad, you see in spite of EVERYTHING that went on in my childhood, I am becoming my own! I am getting rid of all this emotion and fear that comes up everytime I think of you and your family! You see, I have created my own family, With my husband, my kids, his kids, and his family. I have made a safe place for myself. Finally, after years of being at rock bottom, I am finally getting rid of the emotional baggage that has weighed me down my whole life. I am a better parent and I strive to be so much better for my children than you ever were for me. I hug my children, I talk to them when they are sad, I PROTECT them! I WILL BREAK THE CYCLE!!

Your daughter




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