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2020-06-22 00:15:53 (UTC)

That time of year again

I look back on things because in another couple of days it will ten years that you’ve been gone. I can still hear your voice and it haunts me. I know that you still look out for me as well. There have been enough times that I have known you were there. I still even talk to you when I’m missing you even if you can’t talk back. This time of the year is always hard for me. What’s worse this year I mourn two others at the same time. I know both Boo and Squidge are with you. I just wish that you were here. I miss your advice and when I just need to work things out in my head. In some ways I know that I’ve grown colder in the last ten years but at the same time I try to keep my heart as it was from your lessons. There are times it’s still really hard for me to do. Too many times I still am cursed with a gentle heart and can’t seem to raise enough to be the bitch that I should be many times.

I can hear you telling me to kick him out. He’s not doing me any favors. I counter with he never used to be like this, but this is how he is now. Too many times screwing me over and expecting me to pay for everything. I know that he has said it must be nice to have someone to pay all the bills and I guess he thinks I owe him that. The truth is, I don’t owe him a goddess damn thing. I didn’t for those that I paid for in the past and especially in this case. I know you would tell me it’s time to take my home back. You would tell me he would understand if he really is a friend. You’re right though. It’s time to take my home back. It’s time to have my own space again. I’ve done all I can and I’m sinking in the process. I’m going under and he’s not even bothering to lift a finger to help me. It’s time to change that.

Then there’s the other thing. Tampa. You would tell me if I’m still confused and he won’t clarify things, then it’s time to move on. I hate the thought of it, but I know it’s getting there. I hate that I’m treated like the only thing I’m there for is to pay for everything. If I didn’t have the money to help him like I do, then I’d likely not hear from him. That if I was really what I thought I was, then it would be very clear. Instead I wonder why I’m not enough, what’s wrong with me, and he doesn’t even see it. I go quiet and he doesn’t even bother to think there might be something there. I make all the moves. You would remind me that everything I’ve done since California; I’ve done on my own. There’s been a little help here and there but in the long run it’s been all me. You would remind me that I am stronger for everything I’ve been through. That while I want someone to step up, there’s no shame in continuing to wait until the real thing does come along. You would remind there’s no shame in shining like I do. I’ve stood on my own for a long time. You would remind me of my great kids, my good family, and amazing friends that I have in my life. You would remind me that I have it all and even if that never happens for me, I am strong enough to endure. You would remind me that I can still love from afar. Keep my word and then move on. He doesn’t appreciate me; his words don’t match his actions. Look at what I have survived to this point. I can endure. You would say that if he truly wanted me at his side, it would be easy to see. I wouldn’t be confused about it. I got comfortable with it because it’s what I wanted. Be careful what I wish for.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This week seems to be the wheel turning once more for me. All I have to do is simply move the pieces and take me and my power back. I’m not afraid of being alone like you were. I have grown beyond that. I know that I’m not alone. There was a time that I feared being like my birth giver, but I’m nothing like her. If anything, I have become a carbon copy of you. I have no shame in that at all. I’m far from perfect, but I get better every day. I haven’t healed the wounds, but I live with the scars and wear them. They are the badges that I have lived. I have survived. I have endured. I’m not finished yet. While I have no fear in dying and I never will, I want to live longer and see what the road brings. It’s time to make more changes. Everyday is a work in progress and I am trying more and more. I want you proud of me.

Ten long years. It really has been getting from there to here. And then not long after is your birthday. I will get through. I’ll light a candle for you on Wednesday like I do every year. I’ll talk to you like I always do. I’ll cry. I’ll do my best not to drink even if the desire gets stronger on that day. I’ll get through like I do every year. It’s just a shame that some that know can’t be bothered to ask how I’m doing. Those that do have in their own way checked up on me. Some more changes to make. Maybe I’ll eventually get it right. Maybe there will come a day when I’ll be enough. I am for me, but it always seems like I’m not for others. Their loss. Time will tell if my heart will stop hurting at this time every year. Unlikely but I give it hell every year. Here’s to one more day, one more year. I love you dad. I miss you.