Scream Above the Sounds
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2020-06-21 19:32:25 (UTC)

Father's Day

I HAVE to start writing more. My mental health has been slowly declining since lockdown, and I feel this is the only way I'm going to get that respite or release again. I must promise myself that I will start writing again.

It's funny how a day like this can have me feeling some kind of way, because it's never happened before. I spend a lot of time on social media, and seeing everybody speaking paragraphs of their father with pictures attached has made me feel somewhat emotional. I mean, i could talk about my Dad, sure. I could tell people tons of great things about him and what he has done for me, my sister and my mother. I just never really had that father/son relationship with him growing up, and it's far too late to really salvage it now. The only time me and my father really speak is if jobs need doing around the house, or if I have to help him with technology related issues. That being said, I am so grateful for everything he does for me. Maybe we are both emotionally unavailable on this level, but I can't ever criticise him for taking care of me and making sure I was looked after. Me or my sister never ever went wanting, and we owe him a lot for that.

I guess I'm just sad that we never did the things that father/son should do. I don't want to get too cheesy and say shit like, coming to watch me play football, or playing catch in the garden or any of that stuff. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I guess it's just disappointing, and I can only really say that I am jealous of people who have great relationships with their father. Mine always feels like I'm just walking on eggshells, or that there is no real desire to connect and have a conversation. It is what it is though, and I've learned to live with it. I guess I'm just feeling a bit low today.

Happy Father's Day all the same, Dad.


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