Experienced Life
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2020-06-18 10:09:41 (UTC)

My breakup and break out 😔

Well, It's about that time of year. About two years ago, I broke up with my gf. I usually don't think back about the negatives in life and I don't think this may be a negative in life. I dunno. But I now can reflect on a few things. I do know that the first 6-9 month after breakup, I wasn't feeling all that good. She said she wanted to work on her family and although it is a legit reason, I didn't buy it. Only later did I realize that even if the heavens opened up and the real answer came down and was told to me by an angel, it wouldn't have mattered because I'd still be broken up.

Fast forward a couple years now and I see that she did have a lot on her plate. Her Mom was not in the best health, her 22 yr old daughter at the time was seeing a shrink, lived at home and from what my ex gf tried to explain to me, she was always under anxiety. Daughter had a condition similar to PTSD or something like that. I did get along with her daughter though. Both kids liked me. She had a boy that was just 8 yrs old I think? So yeah, she had a lot on her plate. The boy's bio Dad lives in Oregon so he hardly seen him. Daughter was from a different dude. Deadbeat Dad from what the ex gf explained to me.

Anyway, for 6-9 months after breakup, I was hurting and not doing much about it. The normal wallowing and stuff. That's when I decided to work on myself. That's when even if I didn't feel like it, I did things to self improve. I remember telling myself I can only change me. So I did. I sought counseling and I learned.

I remember cutting out things that would hurt me. Not going to look at my ex in FB or any social media since I knew nothing I see will make me feel good about it. I didn't go by her house. I didn't even go to places that we used to go to ensure I didn't get any flashbacks of the past. Although FB is a be-atch and sends you memory pics so those sucked at the time. A lot of it was with she and I together. I think this is why I'm posting this post now. I got a memory pic from FB and it was of us at a martini making place selling olives, vermouth, dirty martini mix, etc, etc. This was near the end of the line for us. A few more events and we broke up after that. Anyway, after time, I decided to work on myself.

Biggest thing for sure to do is to hit the gym. An instructor led type gym class. I was already going to my gym at that time and now that I had more free time, I'd go 6 times a week and I pushed it to the limit. The chemical releases from working out is so fascinating!! People should read up on it. Your emotions are coming from chemicals released in your body and your brain is controlling what to release. Unreal!!! Anyway, I'm drifting again but so what. Fast forward to today, this is going to sound like bragging but I guess I am. I am looked up at the gym as one of the badasses. No, I can't bench 300 lbs but as far as crossfit for regular folks? I'm a badass and I earned it. Oh wait, crossfit is a bad word now huh? Not supporting some cause. sigh...

Constant muscle aches. Coaches correcting me so many times in the past on my incorrect technique. So many mornings feeling the aches and pains of sore muscles. Now, I got it. And the unexpected thing about the gym? I have a bunch of friends from multiple gyms now. Some too friendly but hey, is that really a problem? haha. Nope, I'm just not going to mess up my gym to be doing anything like that. I want that place to be my haven.

I also reestablished a relationship with my immediate family. So I hooked up with my Sister in LA. Found out she travels a lot and so I traveled with her too using her timeshare so I didn't have to pay for the hotel. Just plane fare and spending money. I just told her on trips that she not cock block me. haha. Traveling was another thing to do and hooking up with Sis, that was taken care of. I lucked out on that one. Two baskets in one stone? Can I say that? We got to go to Canada and New York. There were so many things to see and so many experiences with the cultures there. I really loved Canada. We were in the West side. Maybe next time we try the East side. Pre Covid plans with Sis was S Korea, Maui, Seattle, and I forget what else. Well, Covid mucked that up but it will turn around soon.

I supposed to start journaling too but I've already been doing that for 10 years already so hey, one less thing to do. Journaling supposed to help you collect your thoughts. Write down your fears and your experiences and I did. Even on this site, I've developed friendships that I value so much. A bonus that wasn't expected. Thank you my virtual friends.

I learned to venture out. Do stuff. Go out on events even if you feel like you'll have only a 1% chance of enjoying it. Even if you can forget for 5 minutes the breakup you went through. Do it. So that's why I sometime say 1%. It's in reference to this. Some of my 1%s ended up not being so bad so yeah... make sure you do this.

I learned that technique of my baskets of life. Gym friends, work friends, work (different basket), dart league friends, meetup friends, Church friends, kayak fishing friends, etc so that if one basket failed, I'd have other baskets to keep me going. When I was with my gf, I spent most of my time with her. Never knew about the baskets of life theory. So when that failed, my life was for crap. Nothing to fall back on.

Not now. Now, anytime one of my baskets spill, I have others to keep me afloat and I'm not so devastated. It's been working out great. So many positive things has been happening to me. I sometimes feel like I'm stuffing money in my pockets and my pockets are full and overflowing so much that I can't stuff any more in. Haha. Might be the wrong metaphor but you get it right? lol. Even my friend Jenny is sold on the baskets of life thing. We met up a couple days ago and she herself told me she needs to get out and her problem was she isolated herself from the world when she was with her dude. When it went to crap, yup, her life was in shambles. So she's sold on my basket theory and she brought it up herself when we met for dinner.

How do I gauge myself now? When I wake up. It's like a computer booting up. From not knowing anything to your operating system booting up. When you wake up, the first few seconds brings you back to the real world. Everything gets slammed into your waking conscience. There was a time I woke up, life filled your mind with current events and I was in misery. Yup. It sucked. Now, I wake up and after a second or two, I wake up and smile like a lunatic. I don't know why, I just do. It just feels like rainbows and unicorns sometimes. haha.
Then muscles where I didn't even know muscles exists chime in and say hello from working out the day before. The craving for coffee, needing to go #1, and wondering if I even can or do I have a...situation again ðŸĪŠ.

I'm not rich but I have all the essentials a person needs and maybe a few extra silly thing that I may not need but buy anyway because... effe it, I can.

So looking back now at my breakup, I recall it sucked. But from what I was before compared to what I am now? I love the way I am now. I don't need to have a girlfriend but I'd like one eventually. Big difference. I'm not needy, not co-dependant. I'm confident and life for the moment is pretty good. I'm happy and I can say I do love myself now. I defeated the worse critique anyone can have...themselves. I wish I could go back in time. Not to fix my breakup but to whisper to me two years ago and say "Don't worry, I see your future. You'll come out of this even better".

So while my breakup with Tara was not fun, I can smile now and say it was needed for me to grow. It needed to happen. If we didn't break up, I probably wouldn't have improved because let's face it, when things are fine and dandy, you don't think about self improvement. You're just enjoying the ride. So now while I'm in this happy state of mind, I'm still aware that I still have a long way to go and continuing to self improve is never ending.

The coolest thing about being in my retarded state of melancholy I'm in right now is I think it attracts people to you because friends seem to be so much easier to come by. Just yesterday, one of the gyms are testing out their new procedures and was open for testing. You know, scanning your temperature, putting your stuff in a hospital bag (right at the entrance), only one person can go into the bathroom at a time, yada yada yada. Well, even though we were isolated in our 8'x8' taped off area, I still got to meet two new friends yesterday. One's name is Lupe and the other I think was Tori. Haha. Tori is older. Lupe (the flirty one) is a millennial. Oh boy, here we go again. 😜 Kidding. I'll be a good boy.

Sorry, this may have been long and boring but it was mostly for me. It was time for me to reflect on things. To be able to look back and smile. To understand that my self improvement is never ending. I got the 'working on the body' part, I just need to work on 'working on the soul' part.

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