2020-06-16 10:12:44 (UTC)


that's how it feels.
like, i'm up to my neck. tired of numbing it out all the time. tired of confusing dreams with the present.
ready to take action. but each time i fall, i fall hard. and i make the same mistakes each and every time.
jawad started messaging me again. but i am terrible at maintaining communication.
luckily this made me remember that this ulysses dude from st. louis has been trying to get at me for like months.
but i come back and revisit the memories with jawad quite a bit. he got himself together and he still wants to come after me.
this is unlike hassan, who i still think about daily, but at least it feels that i can watch from a distance.
there is no use in fighting it. i am feeling what i'm feeling.
up to my neck.
all my feelings swirl around me.
i need to be emotionally forced open, like my chakras to melt in, so i can experience something new.
there has to be some way i can alter the course i'm at. sheer willpower can do it, but it's so difficult. it is so difficult.
i know what i have to do, but it's not easy to do it. maybe the key is becoming present. not thinking about the future. just moving in a direction.
talking. communicating. learning. it gets a little bit harder and harder. but i have to trust myself. i have to maintain myself.
i can never give up. i can never give up.
so it seems that it's clear which direction i need to take. it's going to be hard, but maybe it's time already...
maybe it's time. :)