Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-06-13 03:47:42 (UTC)

I shouldn't be writing on ..

I shouldn't be writing on here, because I write here when I want to dissociate. And tonight I want to dissociate.

I had to drop a class. Taking 4 condensed summer classes at once while working a job part time is too much for me.
And it's embarrassing because it wouldn't be if I had managed my time better.
That comment aside, though, I have to back up and see just how much of an emotional load I am managing on on top of these external responsibilities, and it's too much for me to handle lately. I haven't been showing up to work as my full self for some time now- that happens whenever I fall into an unhealthy coping routine, and that happens a lot since it's a sort of default programming for me.

And my life is taking off again, when I sit and pause for a moment I can see how only a year and a half ago I tried to make time stand still for me. Not that I was successful, but I did learn how to listen to my body for a minute, and hear out the impossible-to-solve frustrations I have with society.
Is that right? Not exactly, because when I tried to make time stand still, it was because I wanted to dissociate, and my relationship with my body was becoming too loud for my heart to cope with.

But now my problem is that I lean on dissociation too much. I can see it, evidenced by this recent failure in something I want to achieve. Academia has and always will be something I strive towards, but I am so scared of embracing the patience and strength of self-nurturing. It can be overwhelming. It is, overwhelming. To bear the weight of mistakes you make with humility, and to move along with grace, and to keep learning,

it doesn't sound so bad, but my mind makes it horrific.
anxiety.
no, there is a deep fear to be had there.
but I have still squandered time, which should be a greater fear.

So I'd like to say I have a renewed motivation to hammer down my other studies I'm still enrolled in, but it's more of a slowly dawning wakeup call. Or rather, I just have a problem with following the script I feel I'm supposed to follow as it is inherently uncaring toward my authentic self.

I feel very lonely on this journey of learning how to take better track of my time. I called my mother when I dropped out and while she fully supported it- I feel like she shouldn't. There's so many layers of unspoken disagreement between us. When she thinks she's being supportive, I feel like she's being unavailable. I feel like most of the time even when it looks like she's showing up for me, I'm showing up for her.

So I feel extra ashamed for dropping out of the course. Because there's no standard of responsibility I'm being held to by my family (aside from how disappointed and ashamed my father probably is, which is also unavailable because it doesn't ever really make an effort toward compassion). I have to figure it out for myself.
But myself is caught up in the responsibility of ages ago. My heart can only process so much.

And I feel like this all makes it harder to open up to people close to me about what I am going through. I actually have little faith I may ever begin to talk authentically about these internal feelings.
Even as I write tonight it comes out a mess.
I rely on dissociation too heavily in my everyday life to weave a proper story out of the day to day.

although I'm doing alright today.

I'm not sure what to do with this line of thought anymore.

//

this said, in the small moments I think I'm starting to be softer with myself. All this work, it's starting to organize my brain, even if I'm not exactly complicit in the organization at all times.
I still have such an attitude toward toward the work of integration (what is the opposite of dissociation?), and the acceptance of the systems I'm integrating myself back into. I just want to negotiate for more comfort at all times, just to soften the blows. I know that shouldn't be the goal but it is.

and I'm out of things to say tonight.




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