anna

anna
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2020-06-10 10:25:54 (UTC)

Woke up this morning feeling a ..

Woke up this morning feeling a bit better. Had gone to see Fely and Noel. They missed the dogs; they said, so I brought them with me. They like to feed the dogs, who always appear thin to them. This annoys me. I suppose that they displace their apprehensions to those poor dogs when it was I who appear thinner. I’ve been ill for two months. It troubles them. I feel guilty, old as they are. But they are healthy. Fely’s unwavering maternal strength and devotion to her family is admirable. Her entire life was all about sacrifices; she said. Indeed, at seventy-six, she’s still working to support Mary’s family. She’s never gotten far from poverty despite her working all these years, poor woman. Though there was her gambling history. Yet still, Mary should feel ashamed. Was it in the blood or in the upbringing that the children exhibit deficiency in socializing? Whatever they are, they certainly are never gregarious. Noel himself is an extreme hermit. Although he’s the nicest man I’ve ever met, so pleasant, so caring. He immigrated nearing sixty. The language barrier, never overcome, stigmatized him. Overtime, people just thought him socially deficient, when it’s actually about communication problem. Nevertheless, he appears contented and happy. Contrarily, Fely socializes well. She is highly valued and esteemed by her family. She is known as the matriarch who primarily held the anchor. Anyway, I imagine them negatively turning their fancies when I’m not at their table at breakfast or when I don’t call them. Am I morally obligated to show up for my parents during my illness? I feel that I shouldn’t because I can’t. But I feel like I have to. Fely scoffs at my illness. She either thinks I’m pretending or I’m concealing something. I never told her the truth. It strains me to fake feeling normal when I’m not, as if my illness and recovery are not straining enough. And how come I was never honest to them? It’s Fely’s fault. She’s too judgmental. She likes to compare. Her religious faith principally dictates her decisions. That’s why I keep things from her. Lately I noticed a sense of helplessness in her aspect. A few times I caught her staring out of the window. She looked confused and lost. Aging is degrading, undignifying. I witness her slow decline. Anyway, I went to see them again this evening. I bought the dogs who gets fed chicken. I ate chicken too. We didn’t have much to talk about. The elephant in the room, which was my illness, was evaded. The air was thick. I felt placed under a microscope in their presence. I didn’t stay long. I better leave so you can rest; I said. They said they’d wake up at four-thirty for Fely’s work.

I find Lear sexy. I told him that I wanted him this morning and he gave it to me. I entrusted him about my illness, which bother him sometimes with compunction. I will soon get better and return to normal life, hopefully. I was bed bound for the entire afternoon. There’s an aching pressure in my right leg as I write this. Lear baked chicken for dinner.


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