Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-06-08 04:47:33 (UTC)

I don' really want to go ..

I don' really want to go about the same complaining like I usually do.

Just finding an interest in my insecurities rather than feeding to them is a dangerous line to walk. At least, that's the thing my ego tells me.

Looking back on today, it seems impossible that I had such wonderful time looking at the statues at that park not so long ago. It feels like a distant memory now. Tonight, as I lay in bed, thinking of the mountain of work I still need to do, I feel that familiar grief creeping on the corners of my already feeble sanity.

It's okay, though, since for now, I still have a lingering sense of inspiration keeping the anxiety at bay. And the long car ride home has given me some purpose to mull over. I'm chewing on the idea of nettling with the wives' relationship. I know it's not mine really to be so worried about- I just care about both of them a bunch and I don't think their relationship is ready for the next stage like they think it is. Finding a way to tell them that honestly without being condescending is harder than I know though. So I haven't said anything yet. I've prodded, and I've been a distraction on the edges, and I've served as a buffer in their relationship, but I haven't been taking time for me. I found that to be the surprising bigger thing for me to examine on the way home.

I was contemplating this dream I have of 'fixing' emily by having her meeting up for writing sessions with me, where we both use writing as a tool for therapy as it has worked for me in the past. While this dream has some redeeming intentions, I feel mainly that it's focus is something worth re-evaluating- since I feel I need space altogether from their relationship just so that I can feel more at ease with me.

I'm reconsidering whether I want to go visit Ashley with Emily again, just because spending time between the both of them is distressing for my own full expression of authenticity. I feel trapped in a certain version of me. And I don't know that that's due to their relationship being stressful or if it's the energy I bring (although I'm not sure really of that idea) (it's just my self-esteem speaking)

I'm worried. But the best way to express that worry? Distance. Because right now, I have 4 online classes that need my tending. And wow was that quite a decision to make.
I'm sort of excited though to put myself to work. I feel capable strangely.




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