Sonja

Beauty in Darkness
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2020-06-07 22:06:28 (UTC)

When I can't sleep

I'm editing this anthology. A bunch of poems written by a Recce with PTSD.
It's disturbingly dark,yet I can't stop reading.
It's beautiful.
This man is so full of hate it's sad, really.

My roommate/housemate or whatever the hell you call it is working nightshift so I'm home alone. Everytime I'm alone, my thoughts torture me,which is why I love my job so much. I always have a manuscript to edit or proofread. I'd rather drown in my work than over think shit I did 10 years ago.

Tonight is one of THOSE nights. Dear God I can't shut it off. It almost feels like loneliness, but I'm not lonely. Or maybe I am.

I recently started talking to my ex husband again. It started on my birthday 3 months ago and we just stayed in touch for some reason. He came to my house today because his daughter painted a picture for me. It was nice to see them and all but seeing him with his fiancée, being the epitome of a perfect family with his daughter....I don't know. It brings back memories. Memories I wish I never had. That was me 10 months ago. Living with him and his daughter. His wife and little Clarissa's stepmom. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to fast forward until I don't have to see them anymore. Chris (ex) believes we could be friends, but I disagree. He moved on with his life. I would like to do the same. It was great to see little one, though. I do miss her and I'll probably always love her,but she's not mine. She accepted her new stepmom and she's looks happy. When Chris and I got divorced, I lost custody. She's not my blood so I never had a say in her life but i raised her as my own. I fought for her in court and I gave her the love she needed. After I moved out, I spent time with her every second weekend. I remember when she told me about her new stepmom. I also know what it feels like to compete with someone else for a place in Clarissa's life. Lizelle (new stepmom) had to compete with me just like I had to compete with the biological mother. I told Chris to drop her off at my place ONLY when she asked to see me but I called her almost every night before bed. That was 8 months ago. Now I only see her once every 3 months. I call her regularly because she asks for me. Someday, she won't ask for me anymore. That day will come. And that will be the day I walk away for good. Like I said, they're moving on. I expect them to let me do the same.

Their little visit today made me think about all my failed relationships.
I met CM a few months before my divorce. It was one of those instant connection type of things. He was beautiful, kind, smart and funny. The sex was amazing. I was obsessed. We had our ups and downs and he knew my situation from the start. Our relationship was intense. I fell for him and I fell hard. My love for him was true and it was pure. But it also made me fucking stupid. The first time we broke up, I got so angry, I got myself into trouble and I had to get a protection order against someone.
We made up and I thought our relationship was stronger than ever. Now that I think about it, there was always that little voice in the back of my head warning me, telling me that some thing's off. I never listened to that voice because I was in love. Or so I thought.
The second time we broke up, I was more angry. He's extremely smart and he knew how to manipulate me. With every argument he made feel like I was the one at fault and he did nothing wrong. A day after we broke up I got drunk and high with my neighbors friend. CM made me feel like trash, and I wanted to be trash just for one night. I slept with this guy.
Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant. My doctor told me not to get my hopes up because I'm infertile. CM ignored me when I tried to tell him so I had to be blunt and tell him straight up 'I'm pregnant'. We still talked, but everything changed after that.
I was in hospital a few weeks later. Ectopic pregnancy. CM forgave me or he made me believe that it was going to be okay. I felt guilty for betraying him, even though it happened when we weren't together and I struggled with my mental health. That's when I realized that he never gave a shit. When I asked him to 'not give up on me' he promised that he wouldn't. He broke that fucking promise over and over again. It was all lies.
Claire, my roommate, likes to compare him to her ex, a narcissistic asshole. The more I think about it, the more I agree. He never loved me. He kept me under his spell because I worshipped him. He lied to me, used me, and I let him. Like I said, my love for him made me stupid. I said goodbye for the last time a few days ago, and I've never felt more free. He never loved me and I'm more than okay with that because I walked away knowing I truly loved him with every fibre of my being. And I don't hate him either. I just hope the poor woman who falls for him knows what she's getting herself into.
I fell in love with the devil and that's all there is to it.

I was with Chris for almost 9 years, and I met CM before I got divorced. I never had the time to actually be alone to find myself. Fear of loneliness maybe? Maybe it's because my mother called me a 'disgrace' for getting divorced at my age,or the fact that I can't give her grandchildren.

I'm 31 years old, divorced and I can't have kids. So what? I'm happy right now. I have a great job and I have my small circle of friends and family. That's really all I need. Apart from the occasional depressive episode I'm not doing too bad.

I do appreciate my sexy time with my boss on my horny days though. But that's not something to write about in this entry. And it's mostly texting. Sexting?
God dammit what is wrong with me?

Jesus. No wonder I need therapy.


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