Songbird System

Raven
2020-06-05 02:48:20 (UTC)

Pretty Little Songbird Trapped Inside a Golden Cage

Oh look at that I'm being poetic with my diary entries. But you know what, that's really how I feel. Because I don't exactly do well when I'm not allowed to leave the apartment for extended periods of time. It brings back painful memories. And, because everybody wants me to not get involved, I'm just trapped here. Bored out of my mind and wanting to do something. I feel so trapped. I feel like my friends are trapping me with their good intentions. But I don't feel like I'm being heard. I'm never being heard. You can't just tell somebody like me to not do something and think that would actually solve problems. I'm becoming disillusioned with my friend group and that's probably my own damn fault for refusing to be honest with them and not telling any of them how I truly feel.

I just...I just always dreamed of being an activist. Its been a dream of mine for decades. I always wanted to change the world, to go to the streets and have people listen to my words. Hell, for a short amount of time I was thinking of planning my own goddamn revolution for my Roma people but that's a little too grand even for me. I'm not the type of person who can just sit by and watch this happen. If it wasn't a pandemic, I would be out there, fuck what anybody else says. I'll fight for the freedom of my fellow people. Roma has to experience police brutality in Europe so I'm not going to just sit here while another racial minority gets targeted in the United States. Black lives matter. But my friends think I'm crazy for wanting to go to the protests and don't want to see me hurt. It's like they don't fucking realize that I'm stuck here because of my asthma and I'm not stupid enough to go out right now. I know I'm probably just being unreasonable but it turns out I get rather pissed when a certain SOMEBODY says I don't have any fucking hope. I'm probably being unreasonable for being so upset about it considering it's been a couple of days and I'm still triggered by it, which is worsening my traumatic experiences of being trapped inside for so long.

But I keep remembering the years of being forced in the small cramped room for days on end with no breaks, with people screaming at me and abusing me and doing a lot of fucked up shit. I just don't want to be stuck in my past anymore. Especially since I'm being accidentally triggered by a certain SOMEBODY about that time my sperm donor locked me up in my room after I almost died. I would like to go outside but everywhere is chaos right now and it's not safe. So I'm just trapped in here, doing nothing and being fucking worthless. God fucking dammit. I hate not being able to do anything. I want to do something. But I'm fucking useless. So fucking useless.

...I'm just very fucking depressed and nothing is making me feel better. I just want to finally be free of a goddamn cage.




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