Ninja Girl

Diary of a Breakup
2020-06-04 17:46:53 (UTC)

June 4 Thursday wallowing

Damn I thought of another thing that I probably would hate if we were together but I forgot it before I could add it to the list.
You are so missed.
So missed.
And this is all for the greater good. And yet i still go on Instagram, despite that we're not friends and your stuff is locked, i can see the green button when you're online and that's all i have to cling to like some psycho stalker. Sigh I know you're hurting too.
I have what anyone could possibly want: a husband that loves me (despite that i don't trust him), healthy children, a good house, a job (which is rare right now). I shouldn't WANT the excitement and fun I had with you because that's the shit you see in movies.

And the crazy thing is, I crave security. Getting divorced is the epitome of insecurity (non-security? whatever). But the thought of continuing this existence as-is makes me want to drink a bottle of bleach.

But that's what parenting is right...sacrificing your needs and wants for 18 years. Although if you have multiple kids that's MORE than 18 years. In my case that's 21 years. I have 11 more years to go. Elevennnnn...and then after those years I'll regret not being with you. I know I will. You'll always be in the bucket of regrets even though it's the right thing to do.

2:15pm
Yup
still wallowing
still in agony
damn this hurts

I keep telling myself that this is by far NOT the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But there's a difference between things you're forced to do (the recovery from surgery) compared to things that are voluntary. And in the category of voluntary pain...fuck...i don't think I've ever had to voluntarily do something this hard emotionally since I vowed as a teenager to just plow through with good grades and a plan to escape my parents' house.

I'm finding myself clawing at my skin, like i can somehow rip the pain off of me.

The thing you may or may not have known that while I try my very best to be a robot on the outside, the intensity in which i feel things is quite profound. And it can overwhelm me. When i was in bliss with you, i was in such complete bliss everything fell away in the world. But now my insides are completely crumbling and the only reprieve i get is when i sleep.

And so despite that every time my phone buzzes I jump hoping that you've broken the rule not to contact me, I have to just tell myself repeatedly that maybe you're sad now but by the end of the week you'll be fine and your life will move on just fine.

Fuck this hurts so bad and i'm so tired of crying but this is such a narcissistic and selfish feeling i'm having. This isn't about ME. This is also about YOU. Your family. Your kids. My Husband. My Kids.

It's literally about everyone else BUT me.

I need to grow the fuck up and accept that.

You know what sounds good right now? Crawling into bed while everyone else is distracted.




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