marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2020-06-03 12:25:36 (UTC)

Bringing out my inner beast.

M continues to drive our quarantine bus towards some end goal which i have not figured out. i've said no a few times now and he hasn't been upset by it. i did let him video us or mainly me, during some 'exposed" moments, but only with my phone and in airplane mode, locked. Trust goes far, but i had to consider my own reality here. He didn't fight it. i think his main purpose is not to upload it or even share it, but to have me watch. He doesn't even watch. He just watches me watch. i have a hard time seeing my own image and these are beyond just an image. i do shit all the time, but i never realized how vulnerable i was until i see it. i guess that's the point. i confess i don't like looking at my own body much of the time. i'm too skinny, i know that. And i never saw myself actually being fucked, aside from maybe a hotel mirror. Never up close and personal. It did bring me down a little, thinking more of myself as a hole for his needs than my whole self as a being. As if using the great outdoors as natures bathroom wasn't enough to set my inner self.
Yet, this is what my dark side demands. i don't complain. i lose myself in it. Pain becomes pleasure, humiliation becomes satisfaction of service. Where do we go from here. i guess it's all ad lib in all areas of my life. Seems so crazy. i'm here, alive, yet compared to only 4 months ago, where am i really? I suppose we all have that issue to an extent. We are so off our own individual courses. Aren't we.?

Tonight, he has already set his plan. He left me a text to puree last night's left overs when i got home. While i've done it so many times at lunch and breakfast, this is the first time he's wanted this for me at dinner, when we usually talk out our day's shit and sort an evening plan. The signal is this will be more intense. More ritualistic. He wants two dogs. Obedient and loving.
i'm already that. What's more to be gained? Does he really want me to become the primitive being?





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