xenon

thoughts, issues, & interests
2020-06-01 21:10:30 (UTC)

For the 100th time (or more?)

Today I talked to my mom about my mental health, about how studying this subject isn't making me happy, and maybe even making it worse. That I don't think I'll be able to graduate, since I don't have the drive and passion for this subject. She fully supports me whatever choice I make, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I think I have the best mom in the whole universe. If not for her, I don't know what I'd do. Sadly though, my grandpa couldn't stop himself from giving comments that apply even more pressure than I already feel. But it doesn't matter, I'm the one who chooses how to live MY life.

For the past 3 years that I've been at this school, studying everything related to programming, I've always felt that I'm not really doing what I want to. The longer I stayed, the harder it was to keep up. Now I'm in my last year and I feel I have no chance of graduating, I've thought of changing my major many many times, but I've always been sweet-talked into staying by my teachers.

If I could choose without worrying about income, I'd choose to become a musical actor. Even though I have no experience in the field, I love singing and acting. The musical our class did at the end of elementary school was one of the best experiences of my entire life. I felt so alive. With the help and motivation of my teacher and my best friend at the time, they'd gotten me a fairly important supporting role, with an entire solo song! For someone as introverted as me, that was such an achievement. It's truly a moment I'll never forget.

This is too unrealistic in my eyes though, if I did an audition I'd definitely fail, as I have no experience. I'd like to build it up though, but I also need something with a stable income. I'm considering teaching, psychology and translating. I love helping people, and helping my siblings with their school work has been super fun (due to COVID they're home a lot of the time). Even my friends with school work that I understand but they don't, it's also fun to help out. And it just so happens my 'partner' is switching from a baking course to a teaching-related course as well. It'd make life so much more fun being in the same type of field as her. Being surrounded by children would be fun, it'd take me out of my comfort-zone and also out of my negative head space. It'd force me to focus on THEM rather than on myself, and what the most effective way to help them would be.

This entry is most likely even more rant-y than the last, but I guess that's just how it's gonna be. I'm doing this for myself, documenting my thoughts and feelings as a positive coping method.

I'm not a failure, not yet at least. I can still make something of my life. No one else matters, I have to focus on what's important to ME, not to others.




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