miss mess

midlife implosions
2020-06-01 17:07:35 (UTC)

here and now...for better or for worse

it's hard not to KNOW. but with cam...we have never been SURE about anything, other than how we feel about each other...and WITH each other. we've never had guarentees. never had promises between us. never dared to have any brave looks toward a future that mite include us together somehow, because "reality" has made it very clear that everything we are...no matter how rare or profound...is ONLY here and now. we never expected our "here and now" to go on all these years that it has...but it's still always remained something we fully understand, is only HERE AND NOW. tomarrow is never a guarentee. (and i believe this is the reason we have gone so deep. we know that in every single "here and now" we can steal, we have to take everything we can from each other, and soak it in, because it mite be the last time).

he says he has no interest in moving on, even tho he thought it was what he wanted and what was best for him. trying to step out of what we've shared together has shown him an unhappiness and an emptiness that he wasn't expecting. i tried telling him that any sort of separation where love is involved, needs "time". sometimes alot of it. but he doesn't want that time. he doesn't want to feel okay without me in his life. he says it doesn't even make sense to walk away from the best thing that's ever happened to him. (he mirrors EVERYTHING I FEEL, and try not to say, so that he can feel free to move on).

i've pointed out all the obvious negatives...

so what then? you are constantly waiting for any given moment of time that i can get away? even if it's rare, like it's always been? what about your dreams of having a wife and children...a family? i've said everything i could to make him see that he deserves more than more. and damn it...he DOES deserve more than me! he deserves someone who will love him like i do, for all that he is...but who can give him all the things he wants and needs too. i have been honest about not wanting to be a regret in his life somewhere up the road, when he mite realize that he missed out on having babies...to be with me...who is 20 years older than he is and therefore will die way before him, leaving him alone...with nothing he wanted. i've shared that the responsibility of him "waiting" for me...is too much for me to carry. it's stressful, and painful...even tho, my heart loves knowing he's there. i told him that i honestly can't see how this could work the way either of us really wants it to, because the factors between us CANNOT be ignored, while we just move on to some happy, beautiful...TEMPORARY place together. there would be a price...that would eventually, in one way or another...or MANY ways...crush us.

it's not easy to try to talk someone out of loving you, when you love them right back with everything in you. but reality is always there. i'm too old to be able to act like it can't be ignored. and our realities (on both our ends) are two other worlds that would suffer if we just decided to claim OUR world.

i still have it in the back of my mind, that while we dance this dangerous and beautiful dance, the right person could still come along and pull him in the direction he is meant to go, where his dreams can be fulfilled. and if that happens...i will let him go...

but for now...we can't let go of each other. even if we can't be together the way that we want, we both have a need to know that the other is there, and that OUR world DOES exist, even if we can only escape to it in rare stolen moments. its like we are feathers in the wind...and once in a while, we get caught up in the same beautiful whirlwind...to dance together, spin together, love together...before the winds calm and we are brought down to earth again. and we just have to wait for the next perfect wind.

and in the meantime, we communicate daily, several times back and forth, in our "place"...where we write together and share our days and lives the only way that we can.

we've agreed to remain in our "here and now"...for better...or for worse.

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