chae

from my heart
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2020-05-30 06:15:15 (UTC)

take what you can and give what you can

7:15 am
im wide awake and i cant fall asleep so i think im going to be pulling an allnighter. i have been up watching youtube and just getting lost in my thoughts. theres so much on my mind and so much i want to say but i dont even know where to start.

i feel like 2020 is an absolute wreck. i didnt have any expectations on it to be good just because the year is 2020 but i certainly didnt expect all that would happen either. i am feeling a little bit upset at how everything seems to be getting worse and worse. first there were the fires in australia then a global pandemic. even with this virus theres so many people that are going out and infecting others with the virus whether they realize it or not. tsome of the people that dont care about how theyre causing deaths to other people are my friends and i feel disappointed but not surprised.

theres the death of George Floyd which if im completely honest i feel so numb to death and i feel terrible about. i find it harder to empathize lately. i cant say i know how the people that surround George Floyd would feel but i can say that all death is tragic and that it is painful. i hope that he can be in peace.

it just seems like everywhere i go online theres just hatred and bitterness. everybodies angry and mad. at this point i feel like id be scared to go out not because of the virus but because of the people themselves. im realizing that its not just me but so much others that are lacking empathy in themselves. it feels like everybody is so selfish and all they really care about are themselves. i cant even wish that people will start loving and being kinder because i think that i cannot wish or depend on anybody but myself.

i feel like what im saying is such nonsense right now and i could end up getting hated on lol. i saw this youtube video about this family youtuber and the parents had adopted a son from china 2 years ago. i remember watching them and feeling so much love for the adopted son and happy for him that he gets to have a loving family although i did feel like the mom wasnt being genuine. sometimes you can feel people true intentions through the screen. nevertheless i was happy for the adopted kid because he deserves to feel loved and have a loving family. then today i watch a video to find out that family is "returning" the kid to a "rehome" for adoption. and that breaks my heart so fucking badly. because the adopted kid has already had attachment issues and has been with the family for 2/3 years only to be taken back to foster care. i feel so frustrated and upset because sometimes all somebody ever wants is somebody to love them only for them to end up wondering why they werent good enough. ugh it just hurts my heart how theres so many people out there with broken hearts.

then i saw this old youtuber i used to watch "bubzbeauty" and i already known they got divorced but watching her videos today hurt me because i can see how broken and in pain she is. yet she tries so hard to stay positive and keep going. its sad to see somebody you grew up watching get married, have kids, and then divorce.

the funny thing is that all these people that ive been talking about dont have a clue about who i am and im literally invisible. and so why should i care and why do i care and why does it matter? i think its because i can relate somehow. i wish that this world could stop hurting so badly. i wish that people stopped being so insensitive and being so reckless. i wish that people put effort to love. i just wish i could do something to help somebody. i wish that people stopped hating on each other for a second and that we could try helping one another instead. i guess im just upset because i know that in the end, whatever i think and wish for doesnt really matter. i can beg and complain for something better and it wont happen because i dont have any power to change somebody except myself. it feels like small changes wont do anything when there are bigger things in life that people like to focus on. idk, if ur reading this i hope you can take something from what i wrote. like maybe, just love a little and let go.


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