marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2020-05-29 09:11:39 (UTC)

Deprivation and our Quarantine together

So this is not my first chance to write- that was Wednesday. M took my access until then. i'm actually writing from work. Since the weekend it's been major deprivation and service. We made more than the usual use of the restraining bench. My hips and sacrum are pretty bruised up from the lack of padding. Both mine and the bench's. The day to day take it for granted stuff was almost all taken away. Basically, i could wash my face and brush my teeth with a single bucket of water at a time. When nature called, it was to nature i went. He'd walk me in the daylight, but i was on my own at night. He always said he prefers me "earthy" as he calls it. i'm sure i stunk, but you can't always smell yourself. He and the dog didn't seem to mind, i guess. We agreed we are three now and he wants me to think of it that way. It felt great to shower Wednesday and dress- first time since Friday, last. Had to be as it was my first day going in to work instead of being home.

We both knew i'd have to go back at some point. Neither of us want a kept woman, if that's how to refer to it. From the level of discipline and the aggressive intimacy we had, i thought for sure this would be our finish. Push me to my limit and let me free, since i figured he wouldn't want me around once i went outside of the quarantine. But no. Just more rules and check-ins. i don't mind. It offers structure to me.

The unsaid remains unsaid. It's so fucking uncomfortable. Like walking on glass. We both understand but i set my line in the sand. He has to ask. And i still believe he fears rejection. And right now, i just don't know what i'll do. My mind had decided i was his to have, but now after this long period of being alone with the two of them, my mindset is changing. i am so fucked up.

NOt to mention the anxiety of actually coming back to work. We are 25% staffed in office. The lawyers are all home- did i expect different? They are rotating us. My department is just my boss and me. He tells me at 4 where we will be the next day i know he wants to be fair, but he'd rather me be in than him. He's older anyways and he's been my mentor and father figure, so it's ok. i just don't want to bring anything home to M.

Well, nuff said for now. Just reveling in wearing clothes and using a bathroom for the first time in a long time on Wednesday. Still haven't shaved. Anywhere. It's all part of his plan for me. i follow him with almost no conditions. He excites me so.




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