All that is
I’m angry That I didn’t get enough sleep last night
I’m angry That I haven’t been getting nearly enough because of this fucking house I’m forced to stay in
I’m angry at the people who are responsible making it so that I stay in this house
I’m angry at her for asking me every morning if I slept well when it’s clear the answer is NO. Is that a trick question? You saw me come to bed at 2am. I’ve been up since 7am. Does that look “well” to you?
I’m angry at myself that I’m annoyed at her for caring to ask
I’m angry that she’s happy I’m here. I’m angry at her for being the beneficiary of how they’ve dicked me around
I’m angry at her for never feeling the same sense of injustice as I feel at it all. I’m angry at her for remaining so fucking calm, and then making my own annoyance seem out of place or childish.
I’m angry at myself for allowing an emotional boundary to the crossed. And at her for insisting on playing house. For forcing this “love-nest” that isn’t real. And that she knows deep down isn’t real. In a way I feel used. I feel like if she had other options not in naij she wouldn’t come this way. She’s making the best with what is available here.
I’m angry at the fuckers who have led me to be in a situation where I’ve had to accept help from someone I’d rather not be indebted to. I’m angry that I’m now indebted to her emotionally. I’m angry because I know that she
I’m angry because when cast against her mother Teresa ways I seem like a piece of shit. I’m angry at her because I feel like she knows this. That I’m indebted, and I feel deep down that they martyr act is a form of emotional manipulation. A “kill her with kindness” sort of. Or trap her with kindness. She knew that I wasn’t in this from the start. Every sign I gave. But she pursued it so intently. And when the opportunity to house me arose she jumped at it. This wasn’t the first time she’d offered for me to come stay with her “if I needed to” she did it like the second time we ever met. Now to tell her I want out would make me
I’m angry at her, that I never sleep well in her house, even though she has no way of controlling that. I’m angry that she won’t ask me the tough questions, even though the coward in me is also grateful for it.
I’m angry that there was a time when not answering her calls or texts would have been ok and well within my rights. But now that We’re playing house and quarantine has accelerated our dynamics in an artificial way, I would have to owe her an explanation now. I’m angry at this fact. And even more so that she‘s successfully gotten me into a position where I would owe that to her, despite knowing where I stood from the start.
I’m angry at Pam. I felt betrayed when she said those things to rsna about me. The messages i saw on fb. That was the first. And although no apology followed I think We started speaking again after that but I’d already started feeling a certain way and maybe it showed itself as passive aggressiveness and just being difficult in general. And so when I saw those messages rsna sent to her and the conversation about me and the messages had an undercurrent of shared understanding or knowingness to them. It was more rsna venting to Pam about me (after I had changed my mind on allowing a guy she was fucking to come to the house for a shag date. They would Have used my bedroom, so after assessing how I really felt About it I changed my mind) The things that were said. A few things but what stood out to me most was where she said That (whatever it was I had done to piss her off) was the reason I had no friends. It wasn’t that rsna said those things. But that she’d Said them Pam. And how would rsna who had only known me for a few months have clue about who my friends were or not, unless Pam had said Something to her. I stopped speaking to them After that. Again although there was no apology I think Pam and I started talking again, Loosely. but the damage was already done and I stopped trusting her. I think I told her about lmore and how I’d retaliated after what he did. Then she texted me a few months later when I was in naij saying ymi had heard a story from one of her work friends about told by lmore about me. The story was completely fabricated and left out the facts behind what happened. Pam Said that she’d heard that I was with the guy at his house and when he told me to leave I got angry and started breaking his stuff. Total lie. Pam wouldn’t call me to talk about it she merely texted. When I tried calling her a few times as she was texting me she wouldn’t answer nor did she call me back. I txted her that she knew it was a like obvs cos I told her the story when it happened and to tell ymi what really happened. She’s never mentioned it since. And ive always found that odd. We were talking at the time. And it Then the last time I spoke with Rsna when we had a call with Frnk she alluded to my “craziness” and how she heard that I was at a guys house and broke some stuff or something. I didn’t wanna prod further cos I didn’t wanna have a reason to start feeling some type of way so soon after we just started speaking again. Perhaps it’s better I didn’t just yet to gain her trust first, it might have scared her away. I need to know what Pam told her about this though. If it sounds like rsna‘s story is the same as the lie that ymi heard from Ola and Lmore then it’ll be clear to me which version Pam gave rnsa