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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
Ad 2:
2020-05-27 14:17:28 (UTC)


No clue what today is.
Think it’s Wednesday.
Feels like I haven’t slept and been up for days. I’m drained completely. Physically and mentally.

Indio called
Sent a text saying he feels like he lost me
I said a part of me was killed off
Plain and simple
It’s what I do
To not love someone unconditionally sucks.
To ask them to change what they feel because you don’t feel it, is selfish and sucks.
The text message said that.
Plain and simple.
Worded wrong or not, it was read as written, and damage was done.
Now, am I truly loved unconditionally and deeply enough to bear with the time and work to mend or repair, if it’s even possible?
That’s the million dollar question I cannot answer at this moment.
As I said, sometimes, something gets broken so much, it can never be mended.

My head, is in that dark place, where death laughs as it stares into your eyes, taunting, teasing, charming, manipulating you, your thoughts, just consumes the whole you in general.

Am I worried. No.
Am I scared. No.
Where I go, I go.
Oddly, I get a peaceful feeling thinking of the many ways to go.
Yes, I’m being selfish. I deserve to be selfish.
I give, and give, and give, and give to others all my life.
Starting with my adopted father, conforming to his needs, wants, desires. That continued throughout life, in every relationship. Friend or more.

Well fuck me, that’s a breakthrough.
Cha Ching.
I started this behavior/survival ability for 45 years, how the hell do I change that now? I was, I was working on it. Was being successful. I was proud. But then, something just hits, and when hurt hits, a person, everyone, has a defense part of them, we all do/react/think/believe differently. Wouldn’t life be boring if all of us were exactly the same? I’m certainly not going to care and love because they don’t believe or think or react as I do. I accept them as they are.
Reality, everyone in life, will tell you “I will never hurt you”, reality, they will. It’s normal.

I just blew up on Sheldon. I didn’t mean to.

I’m on edge. I’m internally angry. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry I allowed myself to be broken. I shouldn’t have let my guard down. I shouldn’t have had faith and trust on someone’s word. I should have been more realistic.

I’m going to post this, and get my ass up, dressed, and go into town. I need new blades. I need larger bandages.
I’m deciding to not go to the liquor store.