༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
Ad 2:
2020-05-27 02:11:40 (UTC)

Internally Dead


12:40pm

He claims he wrote his feelings down wrong, that it wasn’t a break up message. I read it, reread it, reread it, reread it, I get the same feeling every time I read it. I don’t think I’m wrong here. He says he loves me. Last night he said he can’t. Someone please erase my mind, erase my memories for right now. I want to wake up, and not remember anyone but my children. I want everything else erased from my mind, good and bad. Only remember my children.

I’ve been fighting the blade urge a ton today. Nice thing, I’ve not shed a tear. I have been pulling photos down of everyone but my children. My so called adopted family, yes, ex’s, old friends, people I came across in my life that were a part of my life, everyone but my children are being pulled down. It’s for the best.

I’m going to be doing the same with snap, insta, and book as well. Remove everyone but my children. I don’t want anyone else in my life. I just don’t right now.

I’m struggling with emotions, feelings, of a complete ending. A final finale.

Sometimes, hurt runs so deep, you never completely heal. It’s no different than a shattered bone. You can put pins in it, to hold it together, but one fall, it shatters even more, and eventually, it can not be repaired, it has to be replaced. Except, you can not replace a heart. I think the chances are extremely slim, and most cases, it doesn’t last long, it’s a temporary replacement, eventually, in a short time, that heart fails, because it’s not one you were born with.

3:57pm

Took a nap, about an hour.
Serious storms rolling here all day.
Got the new bikini from Victoria Secret. That’s exciting. Covers where I marked this paths struggle.

Now, to focus on toning up, and getting my next burn. Still peeling from the last burn. Had to have been third degree, I had water blisters on my back. With all this rain tho,I won’t be out. Gives me time to heal.

832pm

Took a shower.
Had to stop the itching from the peeling skin that’s healing from the sun burn.

Indio asks what’s on my mind. I said nothing, tired. He said I been quiet and distant. I said sorry, what do you want me to feel? Seeing as he is so righteous and can tell me how I’m to feel or not feel. Must be nice feeling superior. Puts that ego right up there. Yep, you are officially above me, I’m back to being the little piss ant who has to be told how and what to feel now. If not, it’s a problem. The relaxation is basically doomed from here on out. I screwed up. I gave in. I did not stand up for myself, as usual. If he agreed or disagreed, I still had the right to feel as I felt, I let him, sadly, take that from me. Why? Who knows, subconsciously, if he’s going to take my own feelings away from me because he doesn’t like them nor agree with them, what’s next? So, as usual, he owns me. Owns my feelings. Owns my emotions. Owns my thoughts. To a degree. We are no longer equals. What ever you want, you got. I, as usual, am the person to change everything about me to make the other person happy.

Well, 9:07pm
Wanna play another game of pool he asks....
I said, no, but thank you
NO?!?!? Why not, was trying to do something fun with you, he states, upset.
So I said fine, whatever you want to do.

As I said, I will never have a voice, an opinion, a feeling, from here on out, if I do, it will be a problem.

Going to post this.
Took my medications.
Yes, back on my habit of SH. It helps me right now.
My therapy session is going to suck balls tomorrow, I may just cancel.

Till later...
Buying new blades tomorrow, more stuff I need, might even break my sobriety tomorrow, fuck it. One drink, won’t kill me. My hearts already dead.


Ad:2