Honeybee

Metamorphosis
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2020-05-26 21:29:59 (UTC)

Time Inevitably Passes

Guess of whom I thought today? Yes, I used the word "whom".

It's not that big of a surprise really, but today I genuinely indulged in imagining a conversation. There wasn't much to imagine in terms of appearances but the feel of a talk was needed. I accepted it wasn't realistic but there are certain topics that I only imagine I'd want to talk about with him. And it felt nice. It genuinely calmed me down.

I don't really have the energy to update this diary, to catch up, to write down missing details about the going-ons and the mental breakdowns I had along the way. I'll tell you what though, my rebound time is getting a lot better. Look at me being all resilient. No, too soon. Jinxed it. It's getting very crowded in my head. I stopped talking to Dr. N. I still need to schedule one last appointment for closure. What she did with me really helped but there are going to be those inevitable declines where I'll get briefly emotional and I'll need someone to talk to. You have friends for that though, and you have a partner, and right now not only do I feel I have neither but I don't want to need them. I'm very much determined to get through it on my own. It's working, I'd say. The latest breakdown was very brief actually, and I bounced back immediately thinking of ways to fix the problem rather than needing people to talk to.

Granted, writing in my diary helped. My private Word document on my laptop that no one can read. It's not for the sake of keeping secrets, really, just the feeling of security, you know? Like having your own room. In fact, I was thinking of making this diary private, in the spirit of not needing other people to talk to. Not to sound rude to you good people, it's just that no one messages me anyway and whatever comfort I took from seeing that I was being read simply lost its value. In fact, I don't know why I'm writing in second person but I just feel carefree.

Well, anyway, it's already summer with a chance of mild resentment. Here's to a change in attitude.

Bottoms up!


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