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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-05-26 02:39:49 (UTC)

As it skates across my skin


Monday 5/25/20 8:09pm

Well, Indio is upset with a comment I made during the movie The Notebook. How she loved 2 men, but chose the one she was IN love with. I said, I could see it happening, where a person can love more than one person. Indio then said, it’s not right to love an ex that hurt you.

I’m not him.

I still love 2 of my ex’s, unconditionally. I am not IN love with them, would never take them back, but still love who they were prior to them hurting me. No different than my children.

So, I guess my next question would be, ok, say Indio hurts me, intentionally or not, is it right to stop loving him? Or is there a rule on what is acceptable as hurt to change love to hate or dislike? I will ask that when he comes back from walking the dog. Because, technically, Indio has upset me twice. Twice in 2 months. Does that constitute to stop loving someone? I seriously need to ask. I’m sure he’s going to say, if the person physically or mentally hurts you, you shouldn’t love them, but, he hurt me, twice, with things done and said. But I’m guessing that is to be the exception?
To me, love, true love, is unconditional. No matter what.

The next thing to ask.....
Why do I still love two of my ex’s?
I love the people they are inside, despite their disease. Yes, one was an awesome person prior to his drinking. It’s the actions because of his disease that split us up. The other one, I love because underneath his insecurities, and drug problem, he is a beautiful soul as well, and I know, he loves me as well.....but each time I mentioned what we needed to work on that bothered me, he would increase the bad behavior and I ended up going down a bad path as well.

I’m not Indio. I am me. I am not able to pick and chose who to flip the switch on, it’s all or none. I either love or don’t. Just because I don’t hate my ex’s does not mean I am going back to them. I won’t. The hurt is there, just because they hurt me, does not change my love for them. Same with my children. Just because they have hurt me, does not mean I don’t love them.

So, because I made that statement, it bugged him. It bugs him when I have said, I will always love so and so, even tho they have hurt me.

I personally, am that type of person who loves many people. Even when I’m hurt. Why have my huge heart and abilities to not be hateful or callus bug you? Why not enjoy the fact, that no matter what you do to hurt me, and he can’t say he never will, because it has happened, unintentionally or not, that I still love him, no matter what. Do I love all of my ex’s? No.

(Deep sigh)
(I actually feel like self harming)
I feel as if I am being told that who I am as a person bugs and bothers him. Because he does not agree with me, my thoughts, my feelings, that bothers him. In my opinion, that’s a bit of a red flag, is it not? I am me, he might not agree with me, feel as I feel, etc, and he has that right to be who he is. I’m not going to say his feelings bother me, or his beliefs bother me. Maybe I should. His hate for his ex’s should bother me, it’s not healthy to say, if I seen them burning, I would stand and watch, and not try to help. I forgave my ex’s. Maybe he should forgive his. It’s expected for me to forgive my father, so I should forgive everyone who has hurt me. Why should I forgive, but he shouldn’t? I do not talk to my ex’s, other than one, and it’s nothing personal on my end we talk about, and that is my ex that still has his junk here.

Yesterday, we went fishing. 3 hours, didn’t catch anything, but was nice to get out. Wish I could do it more often. I’m just so tired all the time.

I’m going to attempt to cut grass tomorrow morning. All I have is my push mower.

(My head is spiraling.......if I’ve hurt him, bugged him, why not just top it off and self harm, that would bug him too......)
I’m sorry, I’m not going to watch everything I say, everything I do so I don’t upset him ever.......that’s not possible. We are going to hurt each other. That’s reality. I asked him, what does he want me to do to fix the fact it bugs him. He can’t answer. I asked, if I said you did/said something that bugs me, would you not try to fix it? He said yes. I stated, I feel this is a sign of insecurities. I am not, nor will I ever, go back to an ex. Once I shut the door, after the third time, it’s over. I will not go back. I am not friends with any of my ex’s. But that does not change the unconditional love.

He’s calling, one second.
He’s on some rant about how he can’t stand the fact a bro lied to him, but once he gets there he’s all smile a chummy. So, something else is irritating him. I’m not sure what.....but am assuming it’s me.

Like it or not, I’m going to self harm. I’m trying hard not to, but I’m upset, and not sure where to let it out at. Certainly can’t be Indio at this moment. Ok, so it’s going to bug him, I seem to have done that already. Enough he had to tell me and have a serious conversation about how he feels, like I’m wrong for feeling what I’m feeling. So is this an early stage of control?

(Deep sigh, fighting back tears, feelings of hurt)
He’s busy with his bro, not blood related brother, guy bro, guy best friend bro, so I’m going to do my thing. Will pick a spot I can cover so it’s not seen. Say it happened someway other than self inflicted.

Brb.

921pm
One nice slice, burns, nothing too deep. Opposite upper thigh. Super upper, so even with short shorts, can’t be seen. Almost hip area.

He’s home. Didn’t get into it. He asked when I was going to bed, said I don’t know, why, he’s doing laundry so isn’t going to bed yet. Asked what I was watching, I said nothing, he asked why, I normally am watching something, said I was going to journal, he said ok, I’ll let you go journal, and call me when you get tired and go to bed.

It’s too hot in here to sleep. 90 degrees in here. I’m going to attempt to put an air conditioner in tomorrow. Even if it’s just the small one in my bedroom, and we shut the rest of the house off til I can get another air conditioner for the living room.

Need to find my medical tape. I have it wrapped, but where it’s at, it’s not staying.

I’m going to post.
Take my medications, and vegetate. I need to shut down mentally and emotionally. I need to detach. I can do it with my children and ex’s, I can do it now.

Oh, DD2 didn’t send the PI, it was a turkey watcher (so the guy claimed) but I sent the sweater back anyway, sealed, he signed and was delivered. Nothing more from him since the 8th. So door is shut, can move on, forget, and flip that switch someone thinks I should flip so easily.

Till next time.....

I feel numb as the blade skates across my skin,
I thank God my pain is gone again,
and when I'm done I hide away,
in my room is where I wish  to stay,
I'm trapped in this room of darkness once more,
and all I have to do is walk through that door........


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