from my heart
2020-05-22 18:21:07 (UTC)

how i wish to become a robot

7:21 pm
fireflies - owl city
sometimes i feel like im never good enough. for example with my mom.. we had another slight fight. i feel like i try hard to please her but when we fight she says to me "how come you never do anything? you say that you'll try but all you do is lie" and sometimes i feel so sad. i wonder and think that the only way for her to be pleased with me is if i become her robot and its hard. i want to be selfish and happy but then my mom gets upset and then i feel bad and terrible.

its a continuous cycle of sacrifice and giving up pride, ego, happiness and in return i get the feeling of at least if im not happy, shes happy.

sometimes i want to run away.

i think about jin everytime i feel down because i can only think how much worse he had it than me. i dont know much about everything hes gone through but i dont need to know the details to know the things hes been through. he was so good at hiding and just being a robot. i remember once i told him that its okay to feel and that he deserves to feel happy too. but he told me that sometimes its just easier not to feel and be a robot. i cant remember our conversation exactly but now i understand what he means. thats why i feel so sad for him. i hope he is happier now.

i cant tell if its better to be a robot or human. both has its pros and cons. sometimes i hate myself for feeling so needy. for example i ate food and i cant believe myself that i depend on something. today was supposed to be a good day but im feeling weird a bit. i feel lost and apologetic for not being good enough. i hope that one day i can be good enough.

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