ish

ish
2020-05-22 12:11:40 (UTC)

noxious fumes.....

yeah totaly needing to back off....i seem to be brining out the beast.....having to not show up in places for worry of being hounded......backing off the swinger thing....is for jacky not me........i get way to wrapped up in the energies.....

if i go forth wont be anytime soon.....stepping back a bit.......will need to stay far from Andra....i seem to be week to him.....and i cant go where he wants me.....would never settle right with me...am just not poly...and for sure alpha bitch....so best to avoid the places he hangs out at......and if i do go wont be alone.....just to keep that at bay...but i do crave him....his energies are intense as he says of mine..that i am healing.....perhaps....but only would make my mind chaotic......when he gave told me to choose....i knew i had to unfriend and leave.....i have been back but only cuse he has run into me at places .....so i am week.........

heavy sighs...this new one ...scott....has been a wake up....seems im drawing this type for some reason......not sure what is attracting this energy but is major and potent.........expecting nothing but vanilla play with scott....just some sweet stress releif.....but damn hell if it didnt become intense again.....and my thoughts reeled for the next day....seeing him again only cemented it ......but he does not push ....takes what i give him without pushing without demanding........in turn i will not run........he will not rush me into anything...but he is definately Dom damnit.....and i sink at his words.....but not becuse he demands it......because he doesnt..........just comes natural...and i think that is how it is with some.....some just mesh well.....why others seem to consistantly stuggle against what is there ....when if just relax...let it ease its way without demand or chaos......is soothing....unwittingly sincere.....no stressful anx that comes with submission with some....though i am not ready to let go of my independence........as i still swear i will not wear a collar......i find no since anymore to it.....if i am to go...let it be willingly.....i just may suprise you and submit control....but do not try to tame me as a lion tamer might his cats.......they are never truely tamed....only made weary and despartate for oppertunity to pounce on its prey.......have seen a few things....on how i give and how some attempt to take.....and i cant give unless there is some feel of total trust......that depth of imtemate compliancy.....that craving fed without demands.....without questions of questions.......is a good feel to know that i am not wrong for how i feel in my ways of submission.....just takes the right keys.....will see where any of this takes me.....will see how he reacts to jacky....i wont give him up as my best friend i cant....we are too tight.....i know he would want more of me too..but as much as i love him..he is so not dom...and i need to be fed that...and in the past couple weeks i have had oppertunity to get a true taste of how it might be with someone that knows what they are doing in that world.....i need and love having a teacher....as long as i am thought of not only to fill the needs of some ego....but my needs as a submissive.....which i am finding more of myself ........though i know i wont ever truely be a total submissive.....finding one that excepts that is important for me to have that possitive experience.....my heart feels light and free.....and this one....he hits me deep and hard......just not the right time for me........he says he will be patient........im in no rush....is my world to do with as i wish..and serving any isnt on it ....but this one ..i dont think it would be that way........shrugs ...who knows.......i have found out alot these last couple weeks on what i can tolerate and what is not for me......and feel enriched by the knowing .......lighter for sure...the heavy wieght lifts from me in my learning.......i am exhausted....my head buzzes with his energy still.....but i seem to extinguish his need enough to put him tosleep damn lol...jacky does the same....frick....warned him i would set dynomite round him and take pics.........i dunno....not sure on alot still....just have them all and fuck it....just enjoy .....dont need just one...too many men to choose with all there beauties and intricate desires....damn snowflakes ;p;p......

well time to stop smoking the good stuff ....till i can find another connection .....damn needs just be legal..i can go smoke across the river but not here is stupid.......ok hope to sleep now.....very tired......




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