miss mess

midlife implosions
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2020-05-21 17:11:42 (UTC)

some just me "stuff"

sometimes "finding your lost self"...is the same as RECREATING yourself. and in ways, at my age, i find it easier to recreate...then to go back and learn who i was, who i would have been, who i should have been...before i became so lost. deciding to start where your feet are planted...and BECOME who you WANT to be, has an allure for me that is pretty strong.

of course, alot of the desires inside me that are strong, i DO know come from who i REALLY AM. those desires may have been buried deep by life and circumstances, but the fact that they have remained with me, is to me...PROOF of some of the truths i want to go forward with in my life. two of those desires are writing and photography.

these things were never given their proper due in my life, despite my always being pulled to them. i've always felt drawn to express myself in these two arts, because i'm moved by these two arts when i've experienced them by others. but thru the years, i was made to feel that i was dilly-dallying in my thoughts and desires on either subject. my longings were always DISMISSED. my parade was rained on...over and over again. and not only did i NOT have enough self confidence to stand by my desires, but life itself became so busy, and i let the desires fall wayside, which led to being dropped entirely, and ultimately buried by the tramplings of others and every day life. i take blame here too...i don't blame it on everyone else. i just wasn't strong enough...never supported, so i didn't KNOW HOW to grab a dream and make something of it. no one told me i could. ever.

but during this last round of intense depression and therapy, so much of my own desires came to the forefront again. so many things unburied, and still brimming with life and chance. all the longing still there to make something of them. the only thing standing in my way now, has been that self confidence. that forever lingering DOUBT that can stunt any growth and take away any opportunity before it's even gotten it chance to fully present itself. that fear of failure thats been so instilled in you over years, that you've stopped trying anything at all, because sometimes staying "stagnet", is easier than facing failure.

but stagnet...is like death. never moving. always stuck in that same place filled with all the negative emotions and feelings that i spoke of in the above paragraph. and something in me wants to KNOW if i can succeed in these things that have always pulled at my hearts longing. i want to know before i die, if all these years, i was just fooling myself, like everyone convinced me i was. i NEED to know. WHAT IF...they were the wrong ones, and my desires were something i could truly attain? WHAT IF...i'm really good enough at both of these arts (like my heart so wants to believe) to make some sort of meaningful name for nameself? WHAT IF????

i'm in the last chapter of my life. its now or never, right? it would be the biggest regret of my life, i think...if i died without knowing. without really giving it an honest try. without facing the fear. without living my truths. without taking a leap of faith FOR MYSELF. don't i owe myself that?

i have sooo many ideas that seem good and right for both photography and writing. i've already begun writing two books, so...i've dipped my toes in the water. but i won't know the answers to how good i am at it, until i bring those projects to fruition. however, while i'm writing, i COULD start putting my thoughts into action regarding my photography. i could put my money where my mouth is, instead of just talking and THINKING about it. i COULD try, right? even if for no other reason than to fulfill something inside myself that matters to me.

is that enough reason? am i brave enough?

my mind is very, very busy. but somewhere in the chaos is this twinge of excitement. and i'd really like to build on that. i'd like to come out from under the never ending cloud of all the negative, unsupportive thoughts, and dream crashing....and see what it feels like to stand in the sunshine of hope and dreams. and mostly bravery.


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