Mental Scrub
Ad 2:
2020-05-21 15:11:37 (UTC)

On the edge of darkness

I’m sorry to sound like every other depressed person in the world. I’m working through my feelings right now, but the night isn’t long enough, the music isn’t loud enough, and the air doesn’t feel thin enough to keep breathing.

I know that wallowing isn’t the right thing to do. I know that I’m slipping deeper instead of climbing back up. I know the more this goes on, the harder it gets.

But nothing feels easy right now, except sinking. Bones pressed into the mattress, I can picture never getting up again. I’ve slept all night and I’m exhausted, and I’ll spend the day sleeping in again.

On another day, I might have seen these red flags and done something to stop them. On most other days, I might have pulled myself up by now, stamped down on these feelings and drowned them out with superficial gratification, kept myself occupied, distracted, and distant. I could have kept myself away from this darkness.

But today is an ordinary day, and I’ve had too many ordinary days in a row. I’ve run out of distractions. I can’t keep up with the red flags. The small part of me that houses these repressed feelings is...full. I don’t know where else to put them. I’ve done all my running, and now there’s nowhere else to run to.

Today, I’m falling victim to my personal void. Today, I feel like crying. I feel like hurting. I feel old scars crying out for friends, that familiar siren song for pain. I feel that same old tired aching in my chest. The emptiness where my heart stubbornly keeps beating. I feel that dreaded desire, those dark thoughts again. Desperate acts could bring desperate ends to this day, but I know they’re all lies...and if I don’t listen, I might survive.

If I’m lucky, tomorrow will be a different kind of day. Tomorrow, my tears will be spent and my defenses will be working. I’ll be on my guard to make sure I don’t fall this far again. I’ll dutifully ignore every hint of these pitiful thoughts. I’ll turn my back on every painful pang of my heart. I’ll grit my teeth, and grin through it.

But today, the sun is just rising, and I’m not sure how I’ll survive it.

Dear diary, I’m so tired.
Dear diary, I wish this would end.
Dear diary, I have nothing left to say, so I’ll just say...

Good night.