Nadia

wet blanket
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2020-05-21 15:30:54 (UTC)

I'm going to try give a ..

I'm going to try give a shot at doing a positive entry.
So I've noticed some improvements. For the last... maybe year? I have hated the idea of going shopping because I felt like there was no point at all since I looked disgusting no matter what I wore or what make up I put on.
I've started buying clothes, which sucks for my bank account but... I've started to feel a bit better about myself. I actually give clothes a chance instead of covering myself up completely and going bare face.
It hasn't been too bad.
I stopped taking the pill, It's been pretty good actually. I'm not on any medication right now. If you don't count self medicating with alcohol aha.
I'm much more in control of what and when I eat. Which I've struggled with for awhile.
There's this other thing.
This sounds ridiculous but... three times i've convinced myself I have HIV. The last person I slept with before my boyfriend got tested for everything and was clear, that was good enough for me. Then it creeped up again and I ordered a home testing kit because I was so terrified of a doctor telling me I was positive, it came back clear. Then AGAIN I convinced myself that that wasn't good enough and i definitely had it. I couldn't handle the stress anymore. It's not that I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me or anything, I was just convinced that someone had missed something or something was wrong somewhere. I finally got a complete check of everything in regards to my sexual health.
I already knew the statistics of where I live were extremely low to contract HIV. When my doctor called me I was completely ready for my life to be ruined, honestly I had accepted that I had this "life ruining" STD.
It was fine. It came back completely clear.
I almost cried with relief. My health anxiety is the worst anxiety I've had. In hindsight the whole thing sounds ridiculous.
My sister has been there for me through this whole thing, trying to reverse my negative thoughts or just tried to reason with my paranoias.
I've decided if I'm not in a long term relationship I'm never having unprotected sex again. My mind can't handle it.
That all sounded pretty negative but I'm feeling like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders... I honestly feel like i've been given a second chance.
I do think I need to get help for my health anxiety, I've struggled with general anxiety since I was a teenager but in regards to my health it has spiked over the past few years. It sucks. Constantly thinking something is wrong with you and you're going to die soon.


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