Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2020-05-20 23:31:12 (UTC)

Day 3 (Or 5?) Of Absolute Acceptance/Near Complete Numbness (My Version Of Kolinahr)

I laugh a little at stuff here and there. I get amused. There is a touch of anger and severity to my numbness. There is much depression and pain beneath the numbness. Today was better than yesterday. Yesterday was better than Monday. Tomorrow I am free of the one asshole at work I really can't stand. I am so indifferent to everything. I'm over all my crushes... Even the ones I don't know in real life. I simply don't care about anything. Why should I? I'll do the things I need to do. Minimal effort and minimal results. But, I don't care about results. I'm free, in a way, but I feel as close to a Vulcan as humanly possible. I feel that (FEEL that... yeah, so Vulcan-like... well, I'm still an imperfect human... But, I'm closer to being like a Vulcan than most humans because I am choosing to be, feeling it's all I can do to survive. πŸ˜•) part of the reason I laugh a little at stuff is simply to make others around me comfortable because... It would be illogical to make them uncomfortable by never laughing at anything.

On a side note, I just laughed pretty hard at Colton Dunn on "25 Words Or Less" because of a face he made. I'm not perfectly numb, nor am I trying to be. I'm as numb as I can possibly be, simply from the reality I've chosen to accept in the last few days that I had struggled accepting my whole life, which is 34 years. I never had to fully accept this reality when my husband was alive... The reality that I am fully and completely alone and that no one truly cares about me... Even possibly, God, as blasphemous as that may sound. I'm not even religious, but I still wish to not be blasphemous. There's no need to set out purposefully to piss other people off. If I have an opinion/s that happen to piss someone off/some people off, then too fucking bad. That's different than actually attempting to piss people off. Also, I may have underlying fear from being raised somewhat religiously. We were not that strict, though. We were Episcopalian, AKA Catholic-lite. Lol.

On a completely different note from all of this, is it just my imagination or does my crush get nervous around me? Or is he just a slightly awkward person, anyway? Lol. I won't say former crush, as little as I now feel from circumstances. This emptiness is not easy. The numbness is my only chance to survive my life, I think. The thing is, this dude was super nice to me and tried to help me and I'll always appreciate that, but he's really just a dumb kid and so I can like him platonically and/or as a coworker, but that's it! I'll admit, I still get a little clumsy around him and I often ignore him and I don't care if it's mean because I don't want to feel anything!

It's difficult to describe the level of numbness I'm actually at, when I probably sound emotional still, from how I write. Maybe my emotions are like a TV on mute. I can see them, but without the sound... they are not so impactful. There's no close-captioning, either. My emotions are on mute.

Finally, the reason I question whether this is day 3 or 5 is because I started thinking and "feeling" this way Saturday, but I don't work on weekends, so the reality of how alone I am couldn't begin to set in until I was actually around people on Monday at work.

I feel like I could fit in with Vulcans. I'd say they'd get annoyed at my occasional laughter at stuff, but getting annoyed is an illogical, emotional response, is it not?Though, how else could you describe many of Spock's reactions to "annoying" things Dr. McCoy says to him? Well... Spock is half-human. I'd be like, "Vulcans please forgive my little bit of remaining human emotion. I was not raised among you, but I'd like to live among you. Do you have the equivalent of Earth's sunscreen and plenty of water? I will adjust to a vegetarian diet. Anything to live on your desert world among a peaceful, logical people who don't judge and/or shun me. Thank you."

Scotty, beam me up! And take me to Vulcan! I've had enough of this stupid world!