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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2020-05-20 12:31:16 (UTC)

Irritated and in Pain

Tuesday May 19, 2020, 9:09pm

Today is GQ birthday. I never got a happy Mother’s Day. I never said Happy Birthday. Wrong? hell if I know. But that’s how it went down.

Well, ended up at the doctors today. Started out as a phone consultation, and ended up being a “how fast can you get here” thing. So slipped outa my pjs and put my hair in a ponytail and headed there.
Got greeted outside, they slapped a mask on me, and walked me in, to find out I have a viral infection and blood in my urine, and have kidney stones to pass. Hence the back pain, chills, fever, puking, exhaustion, etc.
soooooo, yeah yeah, I don’t drink enough water.

I got home around 5:30, and at 7 something, Indio I guess had tried calling a few times, but it never notified me, so I got a text saying he doesn’t play the phone didn’t ring game. Pissed me off. He left early Sunday night, suddenly, because of bad weather, and didn’t hear my phone calls or text messages on Monday, and missed work.......yet, not once did I question a thing. I took it at face value. Not once did I question him, and claim he left early for other reasons, or some type of game. He reminds me he’s not my ex’s, but his comment of the phone game, because of an ex, is just an example of what I said previously about how men can compare situations to their ex, and we have to deal with it. So yeah, I said it as he would, or any man would, “well, I’m not your ex, I don’t do the head game crap”.

So now, I’m questioning a ton. Video calls at night....proof I’m home alone? Or? Do I need to show him my phone so he doesn’t question who I’m talking to, or what our conversations are about, just my head in an angry place.
Mind you, I don’t feel good. I’m in pain. My stomach feels bloated, sick, my back pain is unbearable, I’m tired, and that adds to my irritation.

When I let him know Monday I didn’t question a thing about him “not hearing my phone calls and texts, I not once said he was playing head games, but asked what I DID WRONG. And he laughs and says this is our first argument over something so trivial. Just making my point even less than important in my opinion.

Asks if I’m mad. No. I’m not mad. I’m hurt. I’m upset. He wants me to think of him different than my ex’s, but he goes and pulls this stunt. I told him I was shutting my phone off for the night, and he texts Sheldon for me to cut it back on. I honestly didn’t want to. I was irritated. I’ve been super sick the past two days, so much I made the appointment and went IN to the office despite my wants. It was not easy, driving with the back pain, the exhaustion......but did it. Then stopped off to grab dog food and dog treats for the next time Shelby is here.

He asked to come up tomorrow, why? Tomorrow will be no less pain than today, or yesterday, or Sunday. I have to pass the stones or go into the hospital and they will remove them. Not something I want to deal with.

I’m getting tired. Took all my medications, so going to call it a night, and pick up in the morning where I left off. So the post tomorrow will be half of (yesterday and the morning of today) if that made no sense, sorry. Pain is so bad I can’t walk. I’m tired. I want to cry, many reasons, not just pain. Upset someone is showing signs of mistrust. Red flag. Means I need to slow things down, so I don’t get burned.

Till later......

Ok, it’s Wednesday, May 20, 2020, 4:57am.

Up, fed the cats, coffee made, waiting for Indio to wake up. Then I will go do the litter box, wash dishes, and prep chicken for dinner and lunch. I will be making Italian Pretzeled Chicken. Will vacuum today as well.

I went to bed irritated, woke up slightly irritated.

Indio wanted to know if I wanted him to come up tonight, I kinda said no, but not directly. Why? There’s nothing any different here. I had the kidney stones over the weekend. Sunday I was so sick and in so much pain, I wished I was dead, but no one knew it was that bad.

Indio just cut his alarm off. I’m in my chair in the living room. The living room got changed again, the big bulky entertainment center is gone, but we saved it so I can flip it once the weather is warmer. Either a wardrobe or bench for the mud room. I’m happy with the new one. I still have my photos and such up, which I wanted.

But, off to shut the video off, hope it doesn’t backfire because he can’t see or hear what I’m doing, yeah, I’m probably taking it way off base, but that comment still sits raw with me. To even think I would do something like a head game just really irritates me to no end. I have not once verbally accused him of being like one of my ex’s. The more that comment rolls through my head the more I get hurt and want to cry. And to think Sunday, to suddenly head out, and still not go to work Monday, when he could have spent it here, just makes me wonder what’s really going on, specially since he mistrusts me.

I’m going to get off the topic tho, it’s going to set me mentally for a rough day, so, will update on what happened Thursday.

Thursday, around 1:30pm, was doing my usual cleaning, had the windows open because it was a decent day, happen to sit down and grab a smoke, looked out the window and seen an unmarked, black, suv, sitting outside, taking the plate number to my wagon. So, ducked, came out to tell Sheldon to make sure the doors were locked and chained, he’s smaller and can move up and down the steps faster, and he said no, and I told him to do so quietly, and he did. After the car left, looked at the video recording on the camera system, and noticed, he was parked at the fire number for almost 2 minutes, then super slowly, pulled up to behind my wagon and sat there for another 2 minutes roughly. It was a private investigator. I showed the vehicle to a few people immediately afterward and they all said the same, law enforcement or PI. So, I’m guessing it’s a PI.
I then, grabbed the box and went straight to the post office. They gave me a hard time about not putting a return address on it, that if he refused to sign for it, then it would be tossed. I said that’s fine. The whole post office ordeal is videotaped. The receipt is photo copied. He also, signed for the box, sooooo, everything is documented. He has not contacted me since May 4. So, I can safely assume, he will get his closure he seems to be needing and be on his stoned little way to find a different victim to head fuck. It won’t be me, thankfully, I had enough marbles to know what was going on, and got the hell outa that situation. That fool, played some head games. Just the word head games, throws up Indios face.

So, the weekend, was a cold, yucky, wet weekend. Watched some movies, did some organizing, have the living room the way I want it for the most part. The bedroom is getting there, working on the bookshelf. The spare bedroom looks awesome despite the mint green walls my daughter wanted at the time we were painting. I have paintings on the wall that accent the mint color and the rest is gold and burgundy. It looks super sharp. Hope to get my relaxation room completed in a week or so.

Think I will message Limp to cover the charge to have someone come out and cut the grass. He never got my mower running. I get he is doing chemotherapy....so I will need to hire someone to cut it. I can not physically cut the 3 acres with a push mower.

Indio is up, assumed I didn’t sleep well, I said I slept ok, and showed I was just journaling, and he said ok, I have to grab a shower, I said ok, and he said bye. Something I do NOT say, and he knows this. To the people I treasure, I always close with “later”, because it’s less formal. “Bye” is like, final. Something you say to someone you don’t mind not talking to again.....like your last words. So the people I want to talk to again, I say “later”. He says later to his bro’s. So not sure what or why he says “bye” to me, but it’s cool. I will do the same, and he can feel uneasy when I say it. You know, since I play these stupid head games. I doubt I will ever get that outa my mind.

But, I’m going to hook the other phone up, and get my mixed music going, and wash the dishes and grab a second cup of coffee. It’s 5:48am. I shall return in a few hours to update one last time before my session starts.

7:27 am

He’s at work. Asked me why I’m being so “cold” to him this morning. Asked how he would feel if I accused him of doing something my ex did, he said he wouldn’t let things bother him, I of course said “wish I could go through life not letting things bug me, must be nice to never be upset over things, guess I have more feelings”......and of course, that didn’t go so well either.
Anyway, not going to think on it. Push it away. Focus on my music that’s blaring this morning. Got the dishes just about completed. Just need to pop into state of survival and do what I need to then get back to doing things around the house despite the pain I’m in.

So, will post this and be on my merry way.
DD3’ not avoiding your call, if you call, you have the details of my appointment here, and have one today at 3pm, so will chat with you tomorrow.

Life, is like a battery.....
Have to have the positive, and negative,
To make it work.