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2020-05-19 19:11:32 (UTC)

get ur head out of the oven

"Sylvia" by The Antlers

Sylvia, get your head out of the oven
Go back to screaming and cursing
Remind me again how everyone betrayed you
Sylvia, get your head out of the covers
Let me take your temperature
You can throw the thermometer right back at me
If that's what you want to do, okay?

May 19, 2020 Tuesday 7:14 PM

Anxiety is confusing because it feels a lot like having to poop. Or maybe I'm not really anxious and I just have to poop. I went to the creek today. I tried to swim but it was very cold and I only managed to get to my waist. When I put my hands in, they started radiating pain from the frigidity so I had to give up. I laid on the rock beach alternately stretching, throwing some flat rocks into the creek, and reading. I'm reading the Bell Jar. It kind of hurts to read, so I'm trying to get through it as fast as possible. This is day 2 or 3 of the dull headache living behind my left eye. I felt really nauseated and weak, earlier but then it was around 5:30 PM and I had forgotten to eat real food (I had a piece of banana bread and a baby chunk of some scrambled egg).

Everything feels bad in my head. Gotta get through this book before it really gets to me, I think. It's so beautiful, but it's just—obviously it's not exactly me, but it feels a lot like re-reading Catcher in the Rye, only where I can see myself understanding Holden a few years ago, I think my Esther Greenwood is more of a recent memory—mostly, in the way she seems to preserve parts of her shame in these embodied memories of the people she has known, reminds me of the little people and voices that represent my shortcomings and mistakes, etc. etc. etc. There's also her sexual and romantic anxiety, and I don't feel like elaborating on that because I feel like I've talked about it a lot at this point. I'm struck most by her developing lack of motivation, which is.... a huge problem for me, especially this year. I keep giving up, and more than ever I don't really know what I want after college and I can't figure out what sort of spiel I'm supposed to spit.

But whatever. I think it's the headache that's doing me in. I did poop, by the way, and the burning in my stomach has gone away so I guess that was it. My heart kind of aches in a weird way but I don't think I've had enough water today. I can't tell if I'm tired or sleepy.

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