chae

from my heart
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2020-05-19 12:15:06 (UTC)

respect what they love

1:15 pm

my eyes are soooooo bloated from last night. i swear my eyes look like how when dough gets really big due to the yeast or something.

anyways im not sure how to feel or what im feeling. my mom and i had such a big fight last night. it was miserable. i felt like the only way she would be happy if i faked happy whilst actually being miserable.

when she left my room i had cut myself. i really dont see it as a big deal because i dont cut myself with the intent to die. i just need something else to keep my mind on. my mom walked in again and she was apologizing to me and then she saw my cuts and i felt so embarrassed. i never ever got caught before.

it just all feels so dumb. i feel so vulnerable at this point.

i wish i was a better daughter. i wish i was a better me. i wish i didnt cry so much. i wish i loved myself. i wish i was happy without a reason to be happy just like when im sad.

my mom kept asking me what i wanted her to do. i felt so bad because it all feels like its just my fault. i wanted to tell her that i just wanted for her to just ask how my day was and maybe give me a hug. but i couldnt.

life is hard. i think that people are always striving to be happy and successful that they forget to be happy in the moment. i always hear people saying how people need to suffer and struggle through the pain to achieve happiness and a greater reward and while i do agree in a sense, i also disagree.

“But if you dread tomorrow, it’s because you don’t know how to build the present, and when you don’t know how to build the present, you tell yourself you can deal with it tomorrow, and it’s a lost cause anyway because tomorrow always ends up becoming today, don’t you see?”
- The Elegance of the Hedgehog

yesterday when i was telling my mom why i was upset she started laughing and i felt so bad that i went to a corner and i couldnt face my mom because i felt so bad about myself. i already have trouble talking about my feelings so when she laughed i felt so much worse and like i was a joke.

the reason why i am feeling not as sad about this is because i remember just a few days ago when reed and i were talking. i remember when he was telling me about how parents probably adore their child and find so many things about their child that they find adorable and cute even if they never say it out loud. while i felt bad because my mom was laughing she told me sorry and that she just thought that i was cute. i dont know if she was joking or what and what was cute but i feel like the talk i had with reed helped me to understand a little bit.

on another note, reed is a really good boyfriend and a friend. he seems to know when im not feeling okay even though i act okay. hes always loving and makes me feel loved. sometimes i wonder if i deserve it and i feel bad but most of the times im too happy with him to care. i really hope that reed can feel loved and important because he is.

the last thing i want to say is that, im never ever going to laugh or mock what somebody loves to do. its not like i did that but i just hope that i never become somebody who makes people feel bad about what they love. finding something that you can love and enjoy is such a special and precious thing. and i think that even though what somebody may love might seem “stupid” to you it could be what keeps them going each day. i notice that people are more sensitive these days. its hard to joke around and not hurt others and it can be annoying. but in the end id much rather control my words and help people to do better than hurt or destroy them.


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