Nadia

wet blanket
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2020-05-18 13:23:55 (UTC)

Still.

I watched a move called Closer last night. I cried during most of it.

I am really stuck. Still. I know I love him. I know this won't get better if I don't try harder. I want to try harder, I do.
I just feel reluctant to give it my all now. I know that I did that in the past and then I didn't feel like it was reciprocated. I got hurt by that and now I'm in limbo. I hate my skepticism and pessimism.
I want to believe that he is the person I want to spend my life with, hell I just really want him to be that person. But as the days go by the less faith I have that there is that person for anyone... for me.
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle knowing that if i don't try it will get worse and trying again and getting nothing back but disappointment.
I think the less I see him the more confused I get with where I stand with us.
But after I see him I usually feel pretty certain. At least recently I have.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I don't want to rely on someone romantically but myself. I feel like that's basically where I'm at at this point.
He asked me if I wanted to move in with him.
I'm not sure if that would be good?
Would it bring us closer together?
When i was seventeen the thought of moving out of my house with him made me ecstatic.
and somehow... now all i can feel is a huge guilt for even thinking of leaving my family.
I love them. I don't want to be away from them.
But how will i ever become independent?
But what if i regret not spending more time with them?
I'm almost 23 and somehow I still don't want to leave the nest. Sometimes there is conflict but.. I have my area. My room. It's not like I have no privacy. My sister is here now. My father... how could I ever leave my dad. I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I love my dad so much it hurts. I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive myself for leaving and reducing my time with him.
My mum would be lonely. Without us... I hate to imagine her sitting there on her ipad in front of the TV every night drinking her life away. I'm not suggesting I'm perfect, I also drink too much. I just want her to be happy. I feel like she doesn't have plans for her future, which is rich coming from me but I have more time. I don't want her to end up alone. I don't want to be the daughter living her life to make sure other people are happy either. But i'm stuck.
I love and appreciate my family more than they know.
Fucking hell I'm writing out this whole entry over the idea of moving out for only six months.
I wish i was more adventurous and spontaneous. More willing to step out of my comfort zone.
Maybe I should just do it.
Fuck I don't know.


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