Mimi

All that is
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2020-05-17 23:04:21 (UTC)

I could have smoked weed today ..

I could have smoked weed today but I turned it down. The last time I smoked was just over one month ago, but if feels like forever. A guest came to chny's house today and the guest rolled a joint and asked me if i wanted some and i said nah i was ok. i really was about to accept though after half-reasoning that one puff would be ok, since i wasn't exactly smoking regularly. and that what difference would it make. but i still said no. then about half an hour later, i though of how nice it would feel since i was already having a drink, and how well lit would compliment my baileys. and i even went to the balcony where the two of them were smoking. the first thing my eyes checked for was that the joint was still left over in her hands. when i spotted it between her fingers, i thought 'yess'. and then i just lingered there for a couple of minutes still thinking about it. then i thought to myself that the self discipline ive shown over the past month and that im trying to build is not proven in the moments when im in a house where ic an't access it, but its in the moments when its handed to you on a plate and you choose to say no. that's how you test discipline and restraint and mind over matter. i will not be a slave to my phsycial desires.

so there. there's a good habit i've cultivated that i have to be thankful for over the past few weeks. also when i look at the landslide of people here in this city who smoke and whose ambitions have clearly gone down the drain and who use it to numb themselves from feeling the sense of lack or failure... i think i don't want to be like them. i don't like them. i have a different path than them.

a lot of people whn you ask them about their habit will tell you that they can quit whenever that they just use it to 'relax' and to calm down. but then you'll see how they smoke literally morning noon and night. theyll smoke first thing in the AM. then they'll have another during the day. then another couple in the evening. the ones who have their speel down probably as a reasult of having to answer to inquisitive minds, will even give you an editorialised run-through of how they apportion their weed intake during the day, as if by telling you and themselves arguably, that they have a "system" that runs like clockwork, their habit is really just a small part of their well-oiled and productive daily operation. when asked 'whats the longest you've gone withouth smoking?' or 'can you go withouth smoking' theyll tell you 'oh for sure ive gone on detoxes before' and i'll ask how long a 'detox' is and they'll answer 'maybe a week, two weeks'. This may be a deliberate detox but usually what i gather from that is that for two weeks they found themselves in a situation where they did not have access to weed. usually visiting the village at xmas, or when parents come to visit or the like. i remember speaking with ej when he went to edo state for the week for his grandmothers bday. he talked once or twice about how he hadn't smoked or couldn't smoke cos family were about. then i think on his last night he and i spke and i remember him saying he couldn't wait to get back to lagos the next day. the next day we had a video call, it must have been late morning. he was lying in his bed and smoking a joint. i remember noticing it and feeling it take away from my attraction towards him. the fact that he couldn't wait to smoke. it was like a crutch. it made him look weak. it just made me feel...i can't say but it def took points away from him. it's ok if someone smokes and tehy have their shit together but when all someone does is smoke and they have nothing to show for their acheivements then i can't help but attribute it to a quality that is not so appealing.

i think of all the people i've been involed with in my time here and id say 95% of them all smoked. in fact it's in lagos tht i ended up smoking more. it's so strange that its when i started having black friends i started smoking. literally. when my friends were exclusively onyibos i didn't even know what that world was about. and cocaine and all that other stuff has never appealed to me so that wasn't up my street. but weed... .

i think of chndu, ore, m ek, ej, sob, tby, namx, crnelus, anayo, bobby... they were all on it. every single one. with tby and m ek, and sob being the biggest users and all suffer from some kind of behavioural issue that they'd probs rather die before admitting to. anywho. i don't rate them, and i don't want to be like them. i won't be like them. i wlill exceed them by miles. they'll all look me up one day.


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