Bitter Bottom Batter
It has been days since I checked back in. Everything had been so seedy and directly chaotic that I was trying to wait for a better time. There will not be one.
I will always be in love with the guy next door he makes me feel like Clarissa Explains it All and Alex Mac All rolled into one. But I will not let that control my thoughts. I may never have good sex again, but I am humble and open to share in the success of others. Vicariously and Spiritually.
Though a recent foray of reading took my solipsism down a nihilistic path, I have reconnected with God. My current avatar (guiding spirit) is a girl named Doissette. People can escape humble beginnings. It just so happens that I didn't. So with my fingernails cracked to pieces and my stomach split. I lay at full attention of who I am and what I am made to go through in this life. Yes I'm splintering.
4am wakeup since Thursday. It is hanging on to me in a way that should not last. Since I saw the two estranged family members that began this psycological aggression it has been weeks piling on weeks ( March 4 March 28). Thankful is not display enough, nor cleaning, nor watching tv. People are sick in this world and they are forcing themselves on me. I feel so targeted. Without a job Im listlessness. Wal-Mart and Rite Aid the last two outings (Sat May 16) have resulted in all out confusion. Crowding me. Fjording me around the aisles. Flirting, shouting and ultimately making decisions over me to keep influencing my day. Every day I'm insulted with ghost calls, broken promises, binging
drinking, pain management, sleep safety. That is my lonely cycle when I am not "entertaining"
No resolutions. Ideas like honor and respectful behavior are just out the window. I thank God for his presence and his tools. For giving me the Time to languish in deceit and injustice. Honestly---for my injuries I am glad to be aware. My attackers hurt me so much for so long. Now I live my days in uncertainty.
Just being germain.
(Ps-I cant believe how stupid this keyboard is
Or how my raw emotions are wasted arguing with this THING about what is appropriate or what it means to be safe)
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