sugar_and_ice

Getting my shit together
2020-05-17 16:58:34 (UTC)

sunny day


I slept longer than on other days because I was pretty exhausted from my binge yesterday. But I decided not to dwell on it too much. I don’t want binge eating to my only substance in my life. I want to live my life like any other person. I don’t want to be a slave of my thoughts. I should meditate more, be more aware. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m on autopilot. Every day feels the same. Wake up, do homework, take a walk, go to bed. And I’m lonely. I rarely talk to other people. Sometimes I feel depressed. But today was a good day. The sun was out and the air was warm. I could wear my t-shirt and high-waisted shorts. I felt pretty, even though my hair wasn’t styled. I even did some homework, I finished that one German book and learned something in Spanish. It isn’t much, but at least I did something, unlike yesterday. I really need to let go of the past. I miss my old life; I miss school and I miss having a daily schedule. Unfortunately, it looks like I have to wait for longer until we can return to normality. I spoke with dad about it on our walk together and he said we had to wait at least a year until modern science comes up with a vaccine.
Yesterday was my grandpa’s birthday and my dad insisted on me congratulating him, but I’m still not over what had happened the last few years. It is still awkward to talk to him. I can’t help it, I’m not ready yet. The moment I have to face him again horrifies me. I know that I can not run away from him forever. I just don’t want to see him, my neighbors and all our relatives never again. I know it sounds insane, but that’s just how I feel. My brother told me to just bite the bullet and I know he’s right. It may be uncomfortable for the moment, but it wouldn’t hurt me in the long run. I would get over the awkwardness eventually. Soon is my birthday. Maybe I’ll have the courage to speak to him by then.

I can’t believe that I’m soon 17. I feel so old. Looking back, time passes so fast. And there’s so much more ahead of me. I get very excited thinking about the future. The fun things I might experience, like getting a job, a boyfriend, living alone etc. I hope that I will be happy.




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