miss mess

midlife implosions
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2020-05-16 16:29:42 (UTC)

i may never be SEEN again

its been a week since he made his decision. this morning, i finally feel like i can breathe easier? you don't realize that you are holding your breath, until you can feel yourself breathe again...weird. i'm clearly in a fog tho, and trying to find my way out. i think it may take longer than i think, when i try to think about it. he's just such a part of me, and that's not going to go away...ever. it will take time to figure out how to compartmentalize this...that's the best way i can think of to say what i feel i need to do. i have to figure out how to put things away inside myself, so that they don't always feel like they are going to bubble over and out of me.

we are attempting to maintain the friendship that we had BEFORE we got involved, and thru-out our involvement. we don't want to lose the presence of each other in each others lives...so we are trying. but...i honestly don't know if this makes it easier or harder. we still talk in our journal every day. last nite, we both got drunk, each in our own homes...and we noted that we were both trying to drink away our sorrows of losing each other...together. i just don't know. he's so important to me, that i hate to think of NOT having in my life, but i'm not sure if i can continue trying to watch him have his own life either. this is NOT easy. and when he tells me things like he misses me and this is the hardest decision he's ever made, so it's not a happy one yet...it just makes me ACHE. he WANTS to get to a happy place, with somone who can BE THERE FOR HIM, and i want that for him too. but he's angry that he had to give "me" up to do it, because he only wants/wanted me.

i think he thought that i would leave my marriage. sigh. i never gave him that impression. it was made clear from the very start that i would stay in my marriage (for alot of various reasons), just like it was made clear from the start that he wanted a wife and family someday. so...we were completely honest with each other. we knew that neither could fulfill the others needs in these important ways. and still...we agreed to enjoy each other in the moment, because we could fill OTHER needs and escape from hard places in our real lives temporarily...with sweet stolen moments. and those moments turned into years. and so many more feelings became a part of what we are. things we never expected. but all those beautiful things that became the "us" we created...don't change the first things we'd layed out for each other; i can't leave my marriage, and he wants things i couldn't provide him, EVEN if i did leave my marriage. it's all conflicting and oh so painful.

it's like we are two broken people right now....limping along with each other. trying to help each other, get over each other. it sounds crazy, i suppose. but we've gone to each other with every single ache or pain in our lives, that we knew others wouldn't understand...for years now. so why not help each other thru this too? accept i'm not sure we'll be able to, because it hurts so much right now...that just entering our journal to communicate, causes pain. if we can't get thru this...and find the feet of our friendship without the pain of our loss underneath us to sink into...then we lose each other completely. that would be one of the saddest things...because we truly are an entity.

it's so...hard.

but i'm standing up and functioning again. i spent four days, unable to get out of bed, and i cried alot. this of course, confused my husband some, but then, he just assumed that the tears were over some other hard issues in my life that i never share here...and maybe will eventually. i just find it surreal, that he's watched me cry for cam. sometimes i feel like i'm not even inside myself and just watching someone else from above.

so...i'm up, i'm functioning, and i'm breathing without that awful, thick, heavy weight in my chest making me feel like i'm being smothered. does that make sense? i don't know how else to explain this emptiness that feels so FULL. its so hard to grieve, when no one around you can know your grieving. it's like being on fire inside. being burned alive...feeling the searing pain constantly. but no one that stands before you, can even see the smoke. i don't think i'm ever going to understand how people can look at me, and not see my pain. but this is how cam happened to begin with....a long, deep, dark depression (with other factors too), and feeling constantly alone, because those around me couldn't NOT ONLY see my pain, but they didn't understand it when it tried to explain it. they shied away from it completely...turned in denial from it because it made THEM uncomfortable. no one knew "what to do with me".

but then there was cam...who would look in my eyes and see pain. HE "SAW" ME. he's always been able to read what i'm feeling, by simply looking right at me...because he's been the only one, who knows how to look INTO me. do you know what it's like to feel SEEN? i don't mean on the surface...we all see other on the surface. but when "eyes being a window to the soul" becomes a real thing...it's utterly amazing. being SEEN is such a beautiful thing.

and harder than hell to lose.