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2020-05-14 19:31:39 (UTC)

pulled by a string

"Ignorant Piece of Shit" by Carissa's Weird

Looking right around you
And how will I know
When you'll decide to jump
Jump out of a window
Falling faster
I can imagine
The ways that you'd roll your eyes
Before you hit the ground

May 14, 2020 Thursday 7:33 PM

Things we don't need to know, things we don't need to know—I feel a little bit better after feeling pretty shitty for awhile. I've had a weird and very stressful week, involving a lot of phone calls and group messages and websites that are difficult to navigate and email exchanges, all in an effort to organize my life around the whole fire thing; cancelling wifi and utilities, exchanging info and logistical stuff with my landlord, and then passing that on to my roommates, and discussing it with my parents, and renting a van and a storage unit, etc. etc.

Yesterday afternoon I lay on the roof baking in the sun; in my dream this morning a woman rode past me on her bike, she was almost Amazonian in proportion, everything wonky—she said, "Disgusting" referring to me lounging on the roof facing the street and I said, "Hey, it's not—and I'm twenty one!" Idk why in my dream I felt the need to add that. Maybe she called it childish. Idk.

Last night I went for a walk and my legs felt stale. Very slow, it took me a long time to get anywhere. I started at the place where the street turns, borders on the edge of the woods which drop pretty violently into the manmade lake. There are houses around there, but otherwise everything was midnight dark, except for an orange streetlamp way down. Except the farther I walked, the more the dark receded, and when I looked over my shoulder I could see where I came from. I got to the block, where the hill starts to rise and at the end are the big cemetery gates. Big polished stone doorway, the iron gates were open and all you could see was this deep, deep black inside. I almost didn't want to go in, but I felt the need to keep walking to I went towards it, and the closer I went the farther back the dark went. I could see inside the cemetery and the dark was just there, thirty feet away, behind the caretakers truck. There was no wind, absolutely no wind, and the dark kept going back farther the further I went in, and the stars above me where really, really, really, really bright, and I thought something else was there with me, like a man or something, maybe waiting and holding his breath and not moving at all waiting for me to pass by the tombstone so he could hop out and slap me upside the head with, like, a hammer or something.

I didn't really sleep last night and I think I want to throw up a little bit. I guess I'm done.

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